April 16, 1982

I should be in school now but I'm not. I had to go home before I got so nervious that they would have sent me home. Well, today was awful. I went to school and it was okay. Come to think of it, I didn't even want to come, but I just couldn't take the day off. Besides, IU a had a math test (Which I'm missting)

Soemthing awful happened in Chemistry todya. A terrible accident, a tragic accident that was all my fault. I cam respionsible - fully and totally reapoinsible. I sipilled HCl (hydorchloric acid) all over my sicne teacher, Miss Kocher. OH GOD! I t was so frightening! She choked and gasped and cried and was on the floor. I though she was throwing up. I should have ran and got someone, but that was take care of by Camile and Ellen (I think).

Come to think of it - I was an immediate basket case - I would have screamed and cried, and everyond would have heared me. This is not time for phoilosophicze but I don't hate myself - yesI feel a tremendous amount of guilt, but it is not hate that I feel for myself - it's something else and I don'
t know what. I feel guilt. It was no one
s fault. Poor Miss Kocher was a victim of my stupidity. On top of that, I am her worst student. Boy I laugh a bit to think that her and Mrs. Ayres are best friends. Mrs. Ayres taught me math my freshmaen and sophomore years at Vail-Dean. She quit her job after that. She was going to have me expelled forom her class. I never hated her - she just couldnt' tolerate my inability to tolerate her subject. I was a bad student. I hope one day the two of them laugh about ,e. Math and Science at Vail-Deane in high schoo;. Bot of my teachers were best friends, both had me and I did poorly in both theri classes.

Oh - if I could only do what Chris did Bring my Chemistry greade up from a D- to and A. That would almost make everything better.

We got report cards today. Since I was leaving early, I wanted to get mine. I looked for Mrs. Chasan during luich and finally found her in the office going through some files/

I said calmly but across the office room, "Mrs. Chasan, may I please have my report card?"

She looked up and said, "ARe you going home now?"

I ansered "yes" Then I walked into the main foyer area and waited for her to come out./ The she grabbed my hadn and started runnin ups the stairs. I took my hand back but also quickly went up the stiars. No words ere passed. On the seodond floor she stopped to tak to Mr. Kriebel and I continued up the stairs. I didn't want anyone to see me. In the English room, I looked out thewindow and waited. Simone came in and asked me how I was. I replied that I was fine. Then Mrs. C. came into the roiom and said, "Simone where do you belong?" in a hurried tone.

She left and I went to Mrs. Cahasan's desk. She asked me "Why are you leaving? Is it because of what happened?" I answered yes, She askjed me if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. She wasa disappointed. She asked why. I gave no answer. As she was hading me my report card, she said "I love you." And I said, "I love you too."

Anyway, it was nice to kow. She said she cared and closed the door tothe room. Shen she kissed m,e and hugged me hard. It felt really good of course because I really like Mrs. C. and want her to be my friend. But she worries aboutme and I don't like that. I don'e think. I don't know.

*****

Later, in the other book...

I don't know how much time I'm going to have. You really got stuck with a sickie - that's me. I have got problems but I read today that God doesn't give us more than we can endure and I truly want to believe that. Therefore, my problems are simply just no big deal. I spoke to Mrs. Chasan this afternoon (a person you'll be learning about) and she tahnked me for saying that to her. She told me it was a very nice thing. So I have the article I read it from and I'm giving it to her. I happen to agree with it.

Listen, I'm really tired. I LOVE YOU! I'll be back tomorrow.

YOUR'RE SO SPECIAL- I CNA JUST FEEL IT!

April 15, 1982

It is Thursday night and every Thursday night I am compelled to write - usually to Amy - I don't know why, but I am left aloine on Thursday nights so I suppose I get lonely. So I am writing you my friend. Last Thursday night, I wrote to Amy. I wish I would get a phone call from someone. I did get one from a very nice man buit it was a wrong number. I do have a lot of things to do also. It is 7:30 P.M. already and I have done absolutley nothing. On that note of wriotten realization, I think I'll go now and return later.

*****

12:20 P.M.

I'm going to bed now but I think I'm going to take you to Washington with me.

Dear reader:

Read at your own risk. I am well aware of the typos. This is a work in progress. I am typing as fast as I can. I then go back and edit. Once you've read a diary entry, it may not be complete as I am finding pages out of order. Every entry will also eventually have an author's annotation.

March and April 1981 are relatively complete. May 1981 through April 1982 are still being typed, edited and annotated. Like Phoebe Gloeckner's Diary of a Teenage Girl : an account in words and pictures, and Jolene Siana's Go Ask Ogre, both of which inspired this book, this book will also be illustrated.

For those who enjoy illustrations with their words and don't enjoy typos, you will know when it is safe to read when you go to the very beginning, March 1981, and see the comics. That is when this project will be in its final stages.

Order of Progress:

1. Transcription of March 1981 - March 1984 diaries (ages 16-19)
   
2. Correction of typos and editing
3. Annotations added to entries
4. Comics added to entries
5. Look for publisher
   

For those keeping track, I am still at step one.

Thank you for reading.

April 10, 1982

I must write in here one day soon. I keep looking at this beautiful thing which Ellen gave me and which I love and cherish very much and I haven't put a pencil to it since December 18th, 1981, the day I received it. If I die, this book shall got to Ellen, the person to whom thie book is also dedicated to. I think I shall write many books so that I can dedicate them to all the people I love. That's a nice thought though but I hope I really di write books!

This day is nothing special but it's about time I wrote something in here. The book was near me, so it caught my attention. I picked it up and looked at it. Then opened i9t to the incription which I often read. It's just today that I decided it was sort of strange to be so fortunate as to have a book as beautiful as this, biven by a dear friend, so that I could write in it, and the only words in here were Ellen's. Not anymore. I was saving this book for something special, like my autobiography, but I must be realistic. It will be many, many years into my future before I'll have time to write my story. And what a short biography I would have so far, even though I could make it long! I'm so wordy.

I suppose I shall just write in here - anything. I couldn't do any of my experiments in here because I'm too sloppy, like other artists of course. I shall use this as my notebook, only it shall be treated with the utmost respect and care. It will continue to sit in my window amongst and between my tiny collection of English books. Or it shal sit once again on my yellow shelves with my relics, little liquor bottle collection, and Columbia encyclopedias. It looks so lovely in either spot, but I love the way it looks on my lap as I write in it.

When I first got this thing, I took it places with me, but I was afraid to write in it. Maybe my writing didn't seem to be important enough to put into something like this. But alas, I know it is. Ellen gave me this book just to do so, and my writing looks great in here! Maybe - just maybe - this book is something magical that can turn my simple thoughts into the most imaginative, intelligent and spectacular words. I shall concentrate on the idea and it shall happen. Thank you Ellen, you and your precious gift are my inspiration and teacher. I will become a writer! A good writer. I will mystically, through the immortal light reflected from this books, always remember whenever my pencil touches the page, to write neatly, spell correctly, and always execute discipline, and exhibit originality in commiting parts of myself to this paper. May this be true! Yes!

Well, I'm glad I finally wrote in here. I promiseit will get better, more personal also. I think I really know how I'll use this book.I'll leave it in it's own special spot at all times. Then every night, before I go to bed, I'll take it from it's place for just a brief while. I'll gently open it like I would wake a sleeping child, and I'll write something in it. Even if it should be very short, I would like very much to do that - it's a good habit. It will be neat. It will be my friend. But if there are yet untouched pages when I have my first child, the book shall then go to my child. But Ellen may see the book before I die, so that if that hppen, Ellen will not be left with never having anything to do with this book. No _ I'll give it to Ellen, who will keep it until my first child is a sophomire in high school, the year I started wirting.

I was going to buy myself one of these books but I'm glad I received one as a present. That makes it all the more meaningful. Who know when my last word will hit the last page of this book. Maybe soon or maybe when I'm in college. But I'm going to try to keep a diary of every day of my last high school days, which are ending in 15 months. I would really like to do that. Maybe I'll even write a speech in here for graduateion from Vail-Deane. That is the school I go to and I love it dearly. I honestly do love my Vail-Deane. Ellen is in my class, but she's going off to college next year. I met Ellen at Vail-Deane. We became best friends. I've know her since 1975, fifth grade. We've been friends since January 1977. If we live until past the year 2077, we'll have been friend sof 100 years!

There seems to be something very unique in writing one's thoughts, or life, or whatever one wants on paper. I know that I surely enjoy it. Sometimes I don't feel like writing, but at other times I'm compelled to do so, and I'm glad I have those felling within me. Artiost of any sort, and wirters especailly, interest me to the maximum. I am a creative type of person, and all art forms interest me. I play the piano(not so well though), I like to draw (only I don't so well), I like to dance (but that's lacking in abi9lity too) and I write (maybe my best art, but still needs help). What interests me mostly, is what comes directly from my own individual little mind. I am compelled when I see a piece of clay, to pick it up and create something from it, with my hands and mind's instincts. I must say that nothing worthy of anyone's attetnion comes from my play (and that's all it is), but just the fact that I was compelled to create means something to me. I will even do some calligraphy on the first page for the deciation. I will call it "my lovely book." I don't even know how to do calligraphy the correct way but I have the right pen and ink, so it comes out at least looking like the real thing. As a matter of fact, come to think of it, that reminds me of the way I play Fur Elise. It's a very beautiful piece by Beethoven, which I always want to play. I memorized the entire piece, but only play it half correctly. Maybe my art-work is halfass. In either case, I'll call it Patrician. I should try to do well. My calligraphy is done nearly and I do try to plkay correctly. I just don't always follow the rules. That's the problem.

I love writing in here! It really looks wild! I can't wait until the entire book is filled up with my handwriting! And it will all be meaningyul! That will take a long time! Should I get statrted with the personal stuff? You'll soon be learning a log about me.. Like the fact that I want to go t0 Sarah Lawrence College. Oh, there are a lot of little, as well as big things to learn about a person. I'm chock full of things. Just look at my tiny words - all these workd! - h8undreds of words all smashed together here. It's nothing at all like a published book. In order to keep you (this book) ver special. I shall never bring you anywhere with me, except when I go on a long trip. You are for wrirting in only at home.

Puerto Rico, March, 1982

I've come back to the spanish school for a second day. The boys still stare at me, the girls also, but the ones I was friendly with aren't as friendly today as they wer ethe first day. There is one girl in my class, well two, who I am very fond of. Diana an d Roxana. They both were consistently nice to me. The other were also, but I know one can't expect people to always give their time to help others. I don';t myself buyt these two like me and I do like them very much. I really do. I think they life me also, It should really be difficult to be one's self in another land. I really didn't thnink it would be. I've been places, seen things, experience things, but it is different her. The school is so big! And I am such an attraction. Everyone know English,m but everyone speaks Spanish naturally, IU think I have come to a harsh realizatio that everydy does not like me.. If I were in a large puclic school in New Jersey I could be myself, although more difficult than in Vaile=Deane but I would be (maybe) acdepted better than here,, although I am accepted here for different reasons because I look adnact different. I am a foreigner in more ways than if I were an American in a differnt American school. But I still don't know what an American is. I will write the essay though before Monday. I can't wait to be home, but I like it here. I have gotten used to my surroudnings and maybe my father can accept what I say about not being a talkative perons, whi I am not and I won't have to worry about hurting his feelings. I am here for two reasons (in this chool), to be away form my father and to taste m,ore of the tlives of these young people like myself. They are also so dark! And I am white! It is really a shame I am so old. I will never get to visit high schools in other countries (Although this isn'e even a coutnry) byt the time I graduate. I am enjoying being here, altough I hear that it is not such a good school. But Mother Rosa is very nice and I don't want to think bad things,. We really really should have fone to a school in Greece. Why didn't we? (That was really dumb!) So what that no one knew Greek!! I have, I honestly really reuly feel beomce so so enlightened! by my visit to a Puerto Rican school. And it was my own idea too! I do wish I could take Sheila here also., I want to show the nice people here, something that I am proud of. All of my wonderful friends are great people who get along really well with others. So am I, but I would love to see a friend of mine become a big hit with the people here. I would stand by and watch all the kids, my frind with all of those other people having a good time togehter, But I do wonder if that would happen. I know my firends are great! and I wonder if thse peoplwouild like them too, as my friend are really great. Will IO ever know? I guess never, at least, through nothing that I will ever be responsible for arranging. I would really love to see Mrs. Chasan teach the English here. The students would absolutely adore her! REeally! They all hate the Enlgish teacher here. And Mrs. Chasan speaks Spanish excellently so every oowould understand her , although I don't honestly know how welkl the students respond to very nice people. I don't know if theya reused to it. As it kind of always seems to me, the people in large public schools never seem to be an entirely large group oif extremely nice people like Vail-Deane, although very very tiney, is in acutaality one very large group of very very nice peopolle, students and teachers alike.

The students have siad that the French teacher is very nice and that is trie, most certainly. I like her myself, very much. But she and I don't mean to desgrade her in any way at all, lets all her students do as they please. Everyone loves, loves Mrs. Ambrose ye he hols a very astute attentive class.

My first class at the Spanish Catholic School is Geometry. The room is green. There are 35 people in my class including me. The teacher is young and pretty. The class is in Spanish and the books are in English. The first few minutes everyuody stands while the Mother Rosa talks over the loudspeaker to each of the classes througyht the school. Everyone makes crosses over their chests and they they soing something. The teacher has not yet started class, she is reading a program for tomorrow. There is a cross with Jesus over the board and to the left is a Popleposter and to the right is a picture painting of Mary and Jesyus. I was just introduced to the class in Spanish. I wish I knw what she said the girl who is taking me around - her name is Judy. I stodd up in fron of the class and siad "IT's nice to meet everybody," in English.

I hear Spanish numbers which I understand and I hear "cuanto" also.

The students all wear uniforms. Boys also. The teachers clothes are American, shoes too.

Two boys walked in and asked the teacher if they could make and announcement. One boy spoke to the class while the other spoke to the teacher. There is a proble,. The class bea,e uproarious. Mostly boys. The teacher is now hearing the students problems. I really want to learn spanish now! Mariner say I look American to these people. Judy just told me that the boy who spoke to the classis the president and that the professor saw someone from this class take 3 cases of coke last Thursday on field day. The class says they didn't do it, but the Mother Rosa want the $48.00 for it.

A letter to Mrs. Chasan March 1982

Dear Mrs. Chasan,

Welcome home from Florida. I hope you had a wonderful vacation. I'm in Puerto Rico now, but I'll probably be home when you receive this. I hope the weather in Florida was just as you hoped. The weather here is fantastic. I couldn't wish for anything better. The temperatures are so high that the water in the ocean is 70 degrees. I love it. I hate very cold water, plus it's blue although there is alot of seaweed and a little bit of litter, but so little that it is very easy to avoiud. The weaweed at first bothered me but I've learned to deal with it; The sun is very strong here. One must be extremely careful with one's skin as I quickly learned.

I'm staying in the Isla Verde section of San Juan. I've heard that it's beach is always vrey crowded because it is the best beach in San Juan. I know I have no complaints. Where I'm staying is also very beautiful. My father lives in a condominium apartment one block from the beach and directly across from the El San Juan hotel. It is all very convenient for me and it is not a bad neighborhood. I'm actually pretty lazy too. I basically sun everyay and read and write. It is not exactly what I had in mind but it's okay. The next time I come, rather if there is a next time,. I will most certainly bring a traveling companion. I would like to take Sheila here so I can show her around and take her to the rum factory and she can use her spanish, but I will take anyone. I just have Sheila in mind for some reason. It's really no fun at all being by myself in Puerto Rico. Surely I meet and talk with people but still I would be much happier to have a friend with me. I really don't see a rason why I shold be without a friend while visiting my father, espcially now that I have gone thought the worse of this excursion.

Puerto Rico, I have forgeotten, is very American. Almost everyuboyd speak English OI have used my spanish and enhoy conversing in another tongue immensesely, but I have aonly used a little, but more than "Buenos dias. Como estas?" etc. I have picked up new words also, its really neat. Besides spekaing English, everytin I mean, half of everyin is written in English like in Miami - it's all basically bilingual, but there are very few things sold in the stores which are Puerto Rican. I went to a Grand Union - very disappointing to find one of those here, but of course, everything was American, except the prices, whare are astronomical. I have not bought a thing yet, nor do I plan to now, as I did before. But this is San Juan and San Juan is the capital so and so, a tourist attraction., So I';ve become disillusioned byut I don't care any more becuase it is true that people come here just for the sun, which hasn't failed me yet and not not buy, and also to ssee the fortisnin Old San Juan - from all I've gathered. So I will continue to sun and to drift in the warm water so that the reflection and salt will bleach my hair ever so naturally and so my skin will turn a healthy brown.

Puerto Rico is really a very nice place to visit byut you know I'm going to say I wouyulnd't want to live here with all the coiockroaches and dirty men. I went to see Neighbors last night, dubbed with spanish subtitles. I'm between reading them as I found it very interesting, I had to try to make a most terrible young man stop staring at me, becuase that is all he did. I really couldn't handlt ehe situation and was too embarrassed to ask my father to make him leave me alone. But thank God he left and I could pay closer attention to the movie. That has never happened to me in America, but then again weight dieson'
t matter to the people here.

I was hoping that this visit would be educational, but its not really, but that's okay. I'm going to wait until the summer, when I can bring a friend, and then we'll tour. I've seen everything here anyway, with my mother, but that was nine and ten years ago (and I can't believe I've lived that long!)

I did do something absolutely fascinating whcih I have to share with you, especially becauyse you are my teacher, I went to a school here! The name of it was Colegio Nuestra Senora de Belen. I loved it! It was really really great and I'm going back to visit in on thrusday.

I told my father on the phoine in New Jersey that I wanted to experience school life in Puerto Rico. My motives were to meet people my age, from the island, adn to try to talk with them in spanish, and get to know them and everything else I could learn about the,m I wanted to ovserve classes I have, in spanish, and make my own personal comparison, So my father has a gfriend whose daughter is in her second year of high school. He asked that friend what the telephone numver of her school was and called the princiapl who was reluctant to have visitors at first.

March 12, 1982

I discovered yesterday that I like improvisational acting and I think that is because I can use my own words to express myself, which acting is an outlet of anyway. If I write autobiographically like Twain, but deal more with feeling than external stimuli such as setting, then hopefully I will be understood and I wonder if I am great or speical like I think I am, because I am misunderstood. But my characters refleccting my self, will be complez aindividual who are distinly different and unique as people do say I am. But I think everyone is unique. I don't see at all what set sme apart from others. But is si so. I love acting too. I truly do. Oh I do hope Sarah Lawrence wantes me because that is what I see their school is for. I think Sartah Lawrence will help me. It would be good for them becaue I am something. I'm not better but I'm something. I know it.

March 4, 1982

Yes we did nothing yesterday in history class. And yes I made an appointment with my psychiatrist. Mrs. DeWitt mentioned her doabts about my sincerity yesterday in our meeting, Oh my God! Did I get upset! If people question my sincerity there is no point in me living. I never questions others. People just have to believe in me! They just have to. It means everything to me. What do I mean by everything? Lots. I'll explain to you one day- self. Oh I'm so tired nosw! I slept for 12 hours almost, but I was ossing and turning. I went to bed early last night also and I was tossing and turning. I have a second appointment with Dr. Buxton today. Tonight I have got to wash my hair, study for Spanish and Chemistry test, read an 18-page story for English. Tonight I will leave early and read a forty-page histpory chapter and wirte an essay on what an American is. Mrs. Chasan is absetn today and so is Ellen adn I miust call Ellen to tell her I can't picky her up tomorrow morning,. I have to take a test at 7:30 A.M. and I must remember to ge that thing signed. I got to Ellen's at 3:00 P.M., give her hfre sweater and askBarbara to sign it for me. Mr. Ambrose got ride of his bear and mustache and he looks like a Roman god. I swear.

March 3, 1982

Since yesterday I found out that I am going back to teh psychiatrist so I don;t know what to make of this. I'm in so much trouble! I don't want to be you know. Thje point of this all, is that my school work is being affected. I really don't want that to happen to me I want all my worries to go fly away from me and never leave ehir shit on my head ever again. I really don't think my trouble will last for too much longer. After Monday night March 29th, the oscards (and I can't wair!) everuy will be okay. Bit U'll only have two weeks to get my grades up. Maybe I'll do it, but last year, after sprong vacation, I got better. I have high hopes for this spring. IO can smell it in the air. I will lose wieight in Puerto Rico and I'll be dark and blonde.

March 2, 1982

Oh, boy, forget this history class. I'll have to study some other time about eh above. I've never done this before. I wonder if Mr. Amberose know what I'm doing. I'm sorry about this, but I'm so tired! Last monday I blacked out 3 times! God, what was wrong with me? This book, I shall keep but is is so boring! Now it's got something good in it. My own writing. Not that this is any good, but when I look through wanting to read something dealing with me, this book will have but one page. That's all I'll allow myself. I have taken such good notes this year, on the whole. I'm in so much trouble. I wish I could cry! But I can't. I'm beyond something. I don't know. Miss Geier hates my guts. She says I have a lousy typewriter. The program is not done yet. I have got to learn to uncomplicate my life. I think I have problems. I'm in so much trouible! My mother thinks there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is. I'm failing math and science. I dread going home. I don't want to get upset. She might make me cry again. I can't take that. I wish I were dead. Oh I do, I do! Please help me get throught this hard time. I don't want to mess up. I have good feelings towards the Spring.

February 20, 1982

Dear dear diary,

I'm home alone for five days! I don't know if I like it now. I must, I really must. I just don't feel well and I'm scared but I love the freedom and this is realluy weird! I'm getting and A on my term paper. That's symbolic of The sScarlet LEtter "A" which my term paper is on. I'm just so tired and I want the paper typed up by tomorrw afternoon. Yesterday Camile and I went to Mrs. Chasan's house. We spent about an hour there. We look at her wedding album. It was fun. Monday morning I am going to pick up Sheila.

Feburary 15, 1982

I have just today to write a paper and I think I can do it! I thought over in my head the first papge. I layed in bed and mentally wrote it. Yesterday I read Go Ask Alice. I haven't read it since the 7th grade I think. It is so sad. It's about a girl who was into drugs but I don;t think she ever would habe gotten into them if she hadn't been given them unknowingly.

February 14, 1982

I always like Mrs. Chasan, otherwise I never would have felt so guilty about turning her off and I never would have wanted to apologize, hoping that she would understand and like me., Why am I doing this? /I swear if anyone ever saw all the stuff I write about Mrs. C, they would find it very strange. I don't know why I write about her except that the reason is because I think about her a lot, and I don;t why why, byut I am very fond of her. I hope we'll a;lways be friends moreso than now, because wer'n not really frinds now just stident teacher buddies/ I shall write to her in Puerto Rico and Amy and Hoda and lots of people I must remember to ask her if I can help her move to the new school this summer, I have decided that I am definiately going to get my hair cut like Jane Fonda
s I must promist myself to do a few things. Write about every bit of cllture that come to me or that I engage in. Write about every movei,,ev ery book every English class passage every symphony on T.V., T.V. show, record, piece I play on the paiano, conversation I have, class, news I hear, walk I take, care ride.

I'm simply disgusted with myself. I have not started anything on my term peaper., Oh I can't wait to get those drugs from my friend. I really am going to get myself into trouble.

SHIT!

February 13, 1982

Well Patricia you have two days to write a term paper. Great! Today dear diary I babysat Natasha and made $10.00. I bought rum for Heidi and I am going to give the Ouzo to Miss Geier. I also bought drugs from Heidi's workmate. I hope I have them by Tuesday. They cost 50 cents a piece. I bought ten so that's $5.00. I'll never tell anyone for years and I'll use them and their effect. I'm wathcing Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice now. It's 12:00 A.M. I write during commercials and I'm not writing anything real important. Even thought I have so much to say. Tomorrw I shall work, work, work, My period only last 2 days. Not unusual, but strange. And I got crapms hourse after I got it. That's not so strange I guess. I remember back in September at Margaret's house, the day before Chris's weeken, my cramps were so bad, I never though I would make it. Oh, I hope I don't get my period in Puerto Rico! Well, at least I can hadle that. Years ago I couldn''t I really wasn't old enouigh at ten to have a menstrual cycle - emotionally. I was still a child, afraid to stick plugs into my body (tampons). But now I can deal with my period and anything that arises from it. I still kind of get embarassed about it but I can talk to people about it, like my frinds and I can saks Miss Lee or Miss Dundon for a tampon although I hate to that. I would tarather aske Mrs. Chasan I don't know why. I am reminded now of the time at Cherry Hill last October 26th or around then I got my peropd on Friday in school, wearing white pants! and when I was packing I gogt tampons. I got my period oin art and I remember I had the worst crapms! Nex[eriod, 5th period. Later I went to the bathroom to discover Nature's little surprise for me on the bloody toilet paper. I stioll had bad cramps. I saw that Mrs. Chasan's room was unoccupied with only her sitting at ther edesk. My intentions were to ask for tampon and aspirin for crapms byt UI was too scared so I walkedin asked for the aspirin. She akded me if I had a heachahe. I asnwered yes and said thank you for the aspire. That was it. Then I dont remember if I, yes I did have a tampon because it took me several hours to ask Ellen laster in the hotel when we were alone togehter is he had sany tampons. She had only two and said, "You'll ask your mother for more?" I said yeah, but I woulcn't. The next day Ellen adn I talked about waht would happin if tampoons were banned because toxic shock syndrom was a big issue last year. Ifigured that I could surviuve anyway, buyt tampons would help alot. I was slowly running out of tampons that Saturday and I was wearing my white pants which I didn't dirty the day before byyut now I did. I t was before we were gpoing to the movies to see I'ts My Turn. Ellen went with me to my room and I had a terrible accident! I was so embarassed. I washed the pants and thought up the most wonderful excuse to tell my mother about why I changed my pansts and why there were wet pants haing in the shower. Oh my stomach is killing ,e. I'm going to get a heache too. I wonder if I have toxic shoick syndrome. I have my period and have diarrhea since it started. Oh I hope this goes away. After the movie, we all went to dinner and then Ellen and I left and I think Barbara. I said good night and went to my room to discover I had no tampons left so I knocked on Barbara door, she anser and I said, "Barbara, do you have any tampons?" She went in her purse and fave me two. I thanked her and was so embararassed! I though that that was weird of me byuut since I asked Mrs. Chasan for a tampon last Thursday and I dont think she thoughit was weird, then I gues ther's nothing wrong with it.

I'm sick again! I don;t know what is wrong with me, but I'm not going toe ar much more today.

February 12, 1982

Today, I did nothing. I practices Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and Für Elise. I'm getting better with the piano. Even though there is so much going on with me, I can't find anything to tell you. Will you be my friend though? I love you paper and pen. I imagine I shall write more after the term paper. I'm going to Puerto Rico you know. I'll have to start my own new "Puerto Rican Notebooks" like Hawthorne's English and Italian notebooks. And I'll write to Mrs. C. and I'll send everyone postcards, and I'll write to Amy. I can't wait until it's all over: publicity, term paper and Puerto Rico. Where is my mother? I want my cookies.

Sometime in February, 1982

I have been so, so worried about my English paper! I shouldn't be, but since for the last two weeks I have been evading it and saying I couldn't do it that I am now really up shit creek.

Sometime in February, 1982

FUCK MY MOTHER AND KEVIN. FUCK THEM! I'm pissed. I'm so frustrated now because I can't express my anger. I'm so angry! Why did this have to happen? Oh God why me! If I can't concentrate on my term paper I'm going to kill! I'm going to kill! I'm going to kill myself! Oh do I want to die! Oh do I wnat to be thin! Oh am I fat! Oh do I have a lot of work to do on my term paper. My mother is mad at me because I don't want to be taken out of school but so many things are coming up then and she thinks I'm stupid! Kevin yelled at me because I got angry at her for thinking I was stupid so are are both sons of bitches. She just came into my room to ask me what I wanted from the store. I want Dutch Cocoa cookies and milk. Does anyone care about Tricia? No, of course not Patricia! You should really know better than that! Really. All I want is to graduate from Vail-Deane, got to Sarah Lawrence, become a great and famous writer, have 20 kids, get a doctorate, be happily married, rich, own a lot of perperty, and have my friends always! My mother can go to hell. Kevin can got to HELL too.

*****

The next day,

THEY ARE STILL ANGRY. THEY ARE DRIGIN ME CRAZY AND i CAN'T TAKE IT I CAN'T! I SWEAR I CAN'T! I SWEAR I CAN'T! I'M SO DEPRESSED! MY MOTHER IS A HATEFUL, VENGEFUL PERSON! I'M SO SICK! I REALLY WANTED TO DIE. SHE DOESN'T MAKE IT EASY FOR ME. THAT BITCH SAYS I HAVE A PERSECUTION COMPLEX. YOU SEE I'M UPSET.

HOW COME NOBODY CARES ABOUT WHAT IT FEEL?

February 5, 1982

This week has been so hard and wow has it gone fast! Last night I called Amy. I can't believe it! I just spokoe to Buffy who was absent today becuase she went to a writer's conference., I asked hor an extension on our rough drafts. I really needed on e and we got one and I'm so happy about it! I was worried sick over it at the outsiet of the week. Buffy said that what she learned at the confernece was that one way of teaching writing is to have student kjeep a journal Si I'm wriing now.

January 30, 1982

Well guess what I did on Saturday, 4:45 P.M., January 30, 1982 that I'll never tell a soul and am very ashamed of. After the stage creew meeting yesterday, I had to wait because we were finished early and Miss Geier wanted to go. She asked Melissa and Mary to wait for me. Well, they reluctantly did. Miss Geier left all the gates open and the school. Melissa, Mary and I went in the building. I had to return stuff to the thrid floor and sedon while they were making phone calls. I took about 5 miinutes and that is a ong time. When I came back down the stiars, I saw elissa and MAry run into Miss MacWhinney's office, but then remembered to ask me if Mr Viall was still upsatiars. He wasn't. At first I thought they were going to use her phone becuase the other wasn't working or something, nut no! they were going through files! "Oh my God>" The trouble we could have all goteen into! You know, I'm, going to hid4e this notebook from now on, The ugly thought of leaving Vail=--Deace would make me really sicl I want to stay in this school and my current thoughtm us to be the Engloish teacher for the upp0er school at Vail-Deane.

January 26, 1982

I just finished watching Part I of Eleanor and Franklin and I must write how Eleanor inspires me to be so great. I wish I were but I hope to be. There would be nothing I want more. I have really got to chanbe. I mean it. Eleanor Roosevelt was a beautiful woman I would love to have similar qualities as her. Body, od I dream a lot. No one I know would even think of me ever being something one day. That is an example of how far off field I am. I've got to lose weight too, and I must call Amy on Thrusday. You know, I don;t think I've ever read a thing about Eleanor Roosevelt. I've just seen it on T.V. How horrid! I want to talk and walk like Eleanor Roosevelt. I know I can be her. I ponly want to be me of course. I reall really do! But only if I can be thr ebest me I can and I will try, I wonder if Eleanor Roosevelt ever read Little Women of The Scarlet Letter. I like Hester Prynne, PEarl and Josephine and Beth March very much. I feel so base. How stupid of me really! Emerson sayd we should not put down our thought.s I agree. I will probably still write of Mrs. Chasan, She is a person who has been on my mind and I know that that's okay because everything has a meaning.

January 24, 1982

Half of junior year is over now. I just finished reading all I've written in here so far and I've written a lot about Mrs. Chasan. I don't think she's done anything to uypset me since the last day we worked on my story (November 20th 1981). I still haven't heard anything about that yet. Mrs. Chasan, on firday, incited me tio her house one day after school why my mom's going to pick me up late. But she asked me in front of Maria and I don't know if that hurt Maria or not becauyse it would hurt me very much if Mr.s Chasan invited someone to her house in from of me being that I like Mrs. Chasan as much as I do. Mrs. Chasan did that another time also. She invited me to New York with her mother to see Candida in fron of Ellen, Michelle and Mitra. Ellen immediately said, "Oh can I come too?" (I don't blame her). Again, I'd be really hurt becuase I really like Mrs. Chasan. She asked me once if I would be her friend when she was old. IOf course I will be. And she kissed me on my birthday and on the last day of school before Christmas when I gave her a Christmas present and then later after she reathte Chiristmas card from me. I really do like Mrs. Chasan very much. I love her actually. I don't know why but I guess it doesn't matter at all. It's sort of like this story I just read in the about a boy who ran into a man on a street corner, got hurt badly, but was happy he ran into this man because he suddenly wsa fond of the man for reason maybe on he could understand. And even though he did get hurt, he rememberd the time because the man meant so much to him I understand totally. Times like that have happened to me before and I've wished them to happen again, although everyone I know, would think I was carzy. For example, the time I got my period nigjht beofre luch on day. It happened to be a Wednesday. Mr.s Chsans's day to watch ober the little field with the keeper of the key (a good name for a book) to the room with all the mdicinal supplies (Mis Dundon). Well, it was embarassing that I had to go ask for a tamppn, but it was sort of a fun challenge. I could never have done that a few years ago. Never! Mrs. Chasan asked me afterwards how I felt which I thought about many times. I was worth it and I hope that other similar times will occur. It makes life worth living For example,. I saw Literary CavalcadeLittle Women today (the 1949 version with Elizabeth Taylor (Amy), Janet Leigh (Meg), Margaret O'Brien (Beth) and June Allyson (Jo), Mary AStor (Marmee). Anyway, that sotry is so happy and so sad! And I love it because it makes me crya and it makes me laugh. I must read the book! I must! Another good time I wall always remember was the time Barbara comforted me in the car a year ago today when I got upset and started cry9ing over my mother's marriage. She grabbed my hands when she wsaw me bow my head when tears came from my eyes. Another time I'll cherish is the time Mrs. Blasier comfronted me and cared why I was doing so pooely in ninght grade. She actually said to me (in the library) that she wated to talk to me. All I can remember is her or I saying that something else had taken up my attenition from my school work. I might have been from home, my problem with Ellen, or my occupation with Ali. But UI think Mrs. Blasier really cared, and I never really confiede anyththin with her. Another time was with Barbara on the councin the poirrch of her house one friday afternoon on May 29, 1981 when I was really depressed and she talked to me. Another rime was when I apologized to Mrs. Chasan last year in May. It initally was good. As soon as I said I was really sorry, she took my hand and was stunned she was so happy to have me apologize. Her face lit up. That morning I came to her during homeroom and said, "can I talk to you this afternoon?" She was really surprosed and we decided on eigth period. That day was really bad for me and I got depressed again because Ellen was goint to the boys basketball game withoug asking ,me. Well. eighth period thurdsday came, I went to her room to find Robe and Greg talking there. I stood by the window and looked out of it. Mrs. Chasan wasn't there. She laster came up and akjed the boys to kleave; Shye told me to sit down, she sat down in the cahiar in front of me, kooking really concerned and akeded me waht I wasnted to talk to her about After I got stared, I said, "Well,,, I just wanted to apologiexe to you for being so mean to you this yuear. She said, "Oh Tricia, you know know how much that mean to me" Then I went on talking and we switched rooms so we couln't be disturbed. Welkl, these time I'll always remember and I really do wish and hope and pray that I'll be friendw with Mrs. Chasan.

Friday night, I wrote Mrs. Blasisier an 8 page lette. I hope she doesn't mind.

January 21, 1982

Boy I've got so much to say! I really feel like writing and I even think I could finish this book tonight even though I really have to study for my chemistry exam. But I really don't think I could study for it anyway. I haven't put any importance on any of these exams. If the six so far, I've gotten 3 A's. That's okay, but I don't at all think I'll do as well.

Gosh, I haven't written in a liong time. There is always so much to write about and I haven't even found the time for this pleaurable lesire of mine. Yesterday. I can't begin to tell you how upset I was. The science and math labs were flooded with water from the three overflowing sinks. The faucets were froxen from the cold weather and I didn't know this adn tried to use tow or three of the faucents. I don't remember which oones and I don't remember if I even had the common sense to turn the faucets off since there was no water running. Talkiung to Miss Prudo, she told me she though it wa vandalism. I said it couldnt be, afterall, I thin that no on in Vail-Deane would ever do anything to harm the school. I told her aboutme using the faucets and she told me to go righ to Miss MacWhinney and tell her. I was so scared! I didn't even know exactly why she wanted me to go, but I went. Mis MacWhinney was upset. I felt so bad that I was really crying inside! I sulked around school, and Mrs. Chasan asked me what was wrong. I finally told her. She was very sympathetic. She went to Miss MacWhinney and she said, "Os Patricia came to you too?" Well they decided it wasn't my fault but I was pretty upset and still am. I probably will always have that hanging over my conscience. They both agreed that there was no telling if I was responsible and there was no way of I have know anything about forzen pipes.

December 15, 1981

I'm so depressed and I can't take this any more. My father sent me $75.00 and my mother and Kevin are taking it away from me. She's going to send me to the psychiatrist again. I don't know what to do! No one cares about me! I can't stand this. My mother and Kevin hate my guts, they think I'm terrible. I just want to cry and I can't! What's wrong with me? I'm sleeping over Ellen's house tomorrow night. I had to ask Barbara myself. And I'm eating at Mary's maybe. Mr.s Chasan said she liked my sweater today, it has strawberries on it. Then, when I was late to homeroom she got mad, but that's okay except I had to get the attendance from Miss Kocher, and walked straight into her room right by Mrs. Chasan without saying anything. She yelled and would not give me a chance to explain. I don't care. I think I'm cracking up. My mother complains that I'm usually an affectionate person, and she can't stand me not giving her any hellos, or goodbyes, or kisses goodnight or anything. I'm mad at her and Kevin and I refuse to do anything. I'm not fucked up. I don't know what to do. My mother thinks I'm flying off the handle all the time. She and Kevin are the ones who keep complaining about me. If I don't get my hair done on Saturday, I'll be so upset that I won't take care of my own hair! Camile's solo was so awful. I swear to God. She sang flat, with absolutely no expression, and she was full of air! She was so bad. I think Miss Prudon knew it, but I don't know why she still let Camile sing it. I know I could have sung so much better! But that's okay. I'm under so much pressure now. I hate Kevin and my mother. They are mean and cruel people. I'm upset! I don't even feel like giving out cards! I want my hair done.

Before I was in math, now I'm in English class. Mrs. Chasan siad, "Tricisa are you alright?" while we were waiting for everyone to come in. She is being really nice to me. Beofre, she met me in the hall and asked me if I was mad at her. I'm not of course! She was real nice to me, and lookedinto my eye with much sincerity, pinched my cheek and said, "That's okay Tricia, we understand eacho ther, I know." I said, "Yeah, I just had to get the attendance from Miss Kocher." Mrs. Chasan said, "You gave me such a look before, I thought you were mad." I said, "No, I swear." Anyway, she said "I know just how you feel, I feel the same way, tired, heachache."I said, Well there's nothing physically wrong with me, it's emotional." Sh said, "Oh, if you want to talk, I'll be in the library." I didn't talk. I really couldn't. I can't expres the way I feel. I don't even know how I feel. I know I feel emotionaless and full of crap and no affection. I can't take the way I feel. I called Lelia and I must remember to mail her the stuff. I'm so depressed. A year ago today I was kicked out of school for being sick. My mother came to Barbara's to pick me up and I stayed home the next day.

December 11, 1981

Dear Notebook,

It's the 11th of December. Two weeks until Christmas. This week has been Hell. Again! My mother is such a bitch, and I'm so upset. I want to go to Sarah Lawrence so badly! I'm so sad. John Lennon died a year ago Tuesday.

Ellen

Ellen is my friend
We go to school together
and have been for seven
years
It seems like a long time now
as I write it down
Who would ever think
that I would have such a
good friend, as Ellen

Ellen is different than
she used to be
Now she walks around
school very quietly
I wonder if people
think she is conceited or
unhappy
but I think I may under-
stand why she walks
around school like that

Ellen is smart in every way
She has learned early in life
not to allow people to deceive
her, or walk all over her
She walks with confidence
no matter what her mood
and she will never brood
even though she looks like it
or feels like it

Ellen (I hear) was a child of immense
pleasure
I wish I had know her then
She was a small child, smaller than
the others, and so very adorable
with a matching personality to win
She was loved by all who were
lucky enough to experience her pre-
sence for this child (I imagine) was
gifted with lessons

Ellen has taught me much, and for
that I am grateful
But only to know that those
who are hateful
Will never, have
the love that I have
for the friend God has given me
to be with me in need

Ellen, I hope that one day
you get married and
are never harried
if you have children, I
know they will be beautiful
as you will show them how to be

Ellen, I know you will lead
and I hope that you are able
to give to the world as much as
I want children
They are as important in my
life as what you can do for
others
And if you need help, I will
You may say "What can I do?"
And I will say, "Ellen, you
can do whatever you want"
But will that help you
I don't really know

December 9, 1981

Oh my God! I don't believe my mother. I must write about this. Tonight the school closed early and I had to leave the campus. I had no say in what the school did. But I was lucky that I had somewhere to go. Michelle invited me to her house. That was very nice of her and we had a lot of fun. I haven't been there since 7th grade. I had to call Kevin to inform him of this turn of evens and give him directions in order to adapt to the situation accordingly. He came and it turned out to be no problem at all. In fact, we talked all the way home. I swear! We did that last night also, and a couple of other times. Mostly, we talk about school. Anyway he had to go to school so he had to just drop me off in front of the house. Fine, no proble. So I was home alone because my mother went out with friends. That was fine too. I enjoy being alone so I practiced my singing. I didn't eat dinner until; later, fell asleep before 8:00P.M. and studied for an hour. At 9:00 P.M. I put ofn Facts of Life and sat down in the living room and ate the dinner which I made for myuself during the 5 minute commercial break between shows. Right as I was about to eat, my dear friend Ellen called. I was going to excuse myself because of dinner which would have been the first time since I normally take things as they come and therefore in this situation I talked on the phone. I just couldn't excuse myself. It's not like me. It was not problem anyway. My mom wouldn't mind. As I was talking I watched my cold eggs to make sure my animals wouldn't touch them. No problem there either. Ellen and I had a nice half-hour talk. I missed my show. Oh well. My moom came home as our conversation was coming to an end. I got off and sat down to my dinner. From the living room I said "I had to go to Michelle's house after school." Very matter-of-fact, no big deal as I was eating my dinner, that's what I said to my mother in the bedroom. She said, "Oh Gopd! Why?" I was like really confused and could not understand why that would sound so tragic to her considering she had no idea what the reason why was. I said, "Why are you mad?" I was really upset, and my voice got loud. I couldn't understand why she seemed angry. That's why my voice raised. Later on she told me I was paranoid. Who the hell is she to judge the working of my mind? Yes, I am her daughter but I'm very separate from her. I am a person who she is one in her own right not a total one unfotunately due to the fgact that I don't have all my marbles but she simply can't see that I am a thinking and feeling person who thinks she knows what she needs and wants out of life. And if I don't the fact that I think I do know is enought to be qualified as a thinking and feeling human being. Okay?! God whoever wants to judge Patricia S. Everyone is a somebody who can't be judge by others. It's against the rules. No one likes it and only they know what they want from life. No one can tell you what you think and feel because they only know what theythink and feel because they only have one heart and one mind and that is their very own. Now when a person has problems and they are sick they need help. It is not that obvious. Same like me, or like I used to be for siome reaion I just can't turn to others to helkp them with their peronsl problems. I know it was the harest thing for me to do. But where are you going to get your brain repaiured? Somethings go to do it. There are ways, but i you turn to another person, be sure they love you. Love will help. Sympathy and strong consideration and honest understanding. Anyo9ne without these beautiful virtues will hurt you more. I know. (Do I know because I'm paranoid)?

After I inadvertently raised my voice she got really angry and closed the door and said, "I don't want to talk to you." Now I was more upset, gotup and opneed the door abruptly and said, "Why?" She said, "Get out, I can't stand your mouth!"

"But why are you angry now?" I said rather pleadingly. I get so confused. Why should a misunderstandin like this happen? What went wrong? I really thought she was angry at me from the beginning. I get angry when I'm confused about something because I get frustrated, very frustrated, just like a child, or a problemed person, but I am a sick person. I'm different. I know by now. Sometimes I can accept it and sometimes I can't.

We went on fighting but for some reason, I didn't cry and get as emotional as I ususally do. I know, oh do I know! when we go away skiing it will be absolute torture for all of us! But it's not fair. I always get blamed. Sadly, I don't have control over myself. Oh that has got to be improved. Vermont will be Christmas week, a very apprehensive one, and I'll have my period which sucks like shit! I'll be grateful if things turn out okay but I really don't want anything to go wrong.

I told my mother I hated her, called her stupid, told her she was a fucking bitch, and to shut up. I was really angry! Otherwise I wouldn't have said those terrible things! We were fighting over this wothless thing! She said she was worried about Kevin because he had school. She doesn't even know why I went to Michelle's or how he felt about it. I swear he didn't mind at all! And be better not change the story! Even if he was late, it wouldn't be my fault and sure I care! She was so goddamned presumptuous! God! I was pissed to hell! She said, "Forget about Christmas."

"I don't care," I said. "I don't want to spend Christmas with you and Kevin, I just want to spend it with my grandparents and myself. My grandparents are dead.

Now she is not taking me to my Nikki Giovanni meeting tomorrow night which is so important! Especially if I want to get into Sarah Lawrence. It will look so good! I just have to go! I do want to meet this poet. I love English so much! Well, I'm going to have to ask her one more time because she knew about it and then I'm not sure if I should call Miss Crowders and ask her for a ride. Because my mother might say yes. I'm afraid to bother her. Well, if I don't go, I'm going to cry my eyes out.

Then my mother yelled at me for being on the phone and not doing the dishes. The phone was something that she would not be mad at if she was acting herself as for the dishes, again she didn't give me a chance, as usual. But I'm mad so I won't do them now anyway. I don't care if she gave me extra money already. It's simply not right to treat me so. It's bad enough that I have to take math, that I should get yelled at and punished for misunderstanding. I can't help myself, but when I get frustrated , my anger, which my strength goes into, goes into my voice. My so called "big mouth" becomes strong with anger and volume. Then she says "You learn to talk to me with respect and then I'll talk to you. I can't stand your mouth." Well, this is not disrespect, it is an uncontrollabel physical idiosyncrasy I have and I hate her because she can't see that. She started everything. She wasn't angry at all because my food was on the living room table, looking disgusting , or that I was on the phone, or that the dishes weren't done. God damn her! What is her problem? I don't understand what happened. I never should have mentioned that little tidbit of information about my god damn afternoon. Shit! A lot she care about how I feel! Fine! She may think the same thing about me, but I don't understand, so maybe we both start arguments at different times but she's luckier than I. Her life is established. She no longer has to pay for her illegitimate daughter. She's married and is working on her doctorate. As for her job, I can't say anything except that it is a shame what she has to go through at work. But she is happy. Me? I'm worried about grades all the time and how to cope with Pat and Kevin and the trying situations they both put me through. It's not their fault. It's not one's but is is hard for me and becuase of them I must go through them. I'm so upset. How can I go and do difficult things one after the other?

*****

Mrs. DeWitt? Can I please talk to you for 5 minutes? I'm having problems at home with my mother and I don't know how to handle them, Things get really difficult at times and all I can think about is how upset I get by my fights with my mother and then I have trouble studying. And I' very very worried because what happened last year just can't happen again, I know! And I want to prevent anyuthing before I get too caught up in myself becuase it just can't happen all over again. I can't go through life like this - not being able to cope and I probably won't but now is important. My life practically depends on now and I like millions, want to succeed OF COURSE! But I can't handle my problems I'm ashames to say. I don't know what to do Mr.s De Witt?! I wish I had 2 minds, one that I did nothing by schoolwork with, and one I leveled with people with. Then I 'd have nop problem, because one wouldn't interfere with the other and when I worry about school, it affects my view of things not even dealing with school.

Would you like me to come back when I have more control over myself?

As I sit here and cry
I wonder why
For I know that in the end
everything will turn out
and crying only makes me
feel better
But now I'd like to die
I'm worried about college
about if I'll get into one
I'd like for it is so important!
It's the basis for my adult
life!
High school is the end of
my child life

It's late. I'm still doing
homework
The reason I've been
wasting my time crying
Thinking of dying and
how easy things would be
I want to be me
I want to prove that I was born
to give and to live
happy and helpful

But who care if I live or die?
give or cry?
Only me!
So let me be then!
Don't ridicule!
I'm not a fool!
I can do what I please
because I'm not on the Earth to hurt anyone
No I'm not!

But what a hypocrite am I
It's true I don't love my life
I've lived my whole life so far
but it hasn't been that good
but I'd like to say it has
I need someone to share my life with
But I know I'm not ready yet
I'm so young, but U'm so bold
and do I have the right?
even though I'm no that old
I feel I know much
but also know I need to grow more
God, please help me like you
helped Moses and Jesus and Noah
but I don't want to suffer
I don'w want to be selfish
but I've suffered enough
Do I even have the right to
complain even though I'm th
one whose had to put up with what I
have put up with
I don't want to be anyone else
They say life is unfair
I don't believe that because everyone
has to go through some terrible
thjing at some time or else how
would they learn?
Is there sucyh a thing as
learning through tenderness
with a life of ease and enjoyment?
We can teach handicapped and
mentally dificient children through
means of love and it works!
Why can't your life be like that
forever
You know I've accepted almost
everything that has happened to me
simply because that is what I
know. I know no other life than
my own. How could I not accept
my life? I certainly can't trade it in.
I've thought about undoing it
But what a terrible sin
I'm here to give to others - if I kill
myself - I'm taking away from them!
It's true I've know happy times
and I gratefully know enough
that I realize they will come
again and again
Just when, is a surprise
I could command them
but what energy it takes!
and what a fake I'd be!
They do come by themselve I velieve
to help us for being a human being
is hard, and I know we have a
purpose as persons to go through
what we got through to live and
die for the universe
I hope the universe is learning
what people learn living in it
just existing and observing

December 7, 1981

It's 1:45 A.M. December 7th, 1981. The news had little specials on John Lennon. I baked brownies and I've got my peace sign out to wear to school tomorrw. I'm so worried about my grades! Christmas is coming soon and I'm so apprehensive about that. Again I've got a lot bothering me. I've got to get Christmas cards out also! Oh, I hope I can manage without going off the deep end.

You know, I just love to write! I gave my notebook to Kyle. I hope it's the right thing because I want someone to read my stuff! She's giving me her diary. She's a writer also. Maybe we'll both be expatriates in Paris! Who knows?! Have I mentioned that lately I've been nurturing the idea of becoming a writer! Yes I have, but Patricia thinks too much!

Oh, I've written some poems. I'm going to start my own book. I'm not good at all, but I've always wanted to write poetry. I'll keep trying! Natalie Wood died! It's so sad! She accidently drowned after midnight last Sunday early morning hours. What a wasted human life. They say that many adored her and she had 3 daughters. I cried when I read about it in the papers for the thought of my own mother!

Sometime in December, 1981

I'm so goddamn angry at my mother that I can't handle myself anymore.

What the hell is the matter with this pen!

December 1, 1981

Dear Notebook,

I'm in math again and writing again just like I shouldn't. I'm failing and don't know what to do! I'll have to spend a whole Saturday studying the chapter by myself.

*****

I'm watching the Marva Collins Story. She's truly a wonderful person. This movie is make me cry! What a great humanitarian and teacher! I love her! I wish she was my teacher! Oh, I love to write and I want to improve myself so much!

November 30, 1981

Dear Notebook,

I'm finally back in school and I'm happy! It's last period math. I'm bored of course, and it's a frightful sin that I should be writing at this time but I need to0 tell myself something so I'll do it later. Tonight I'm going to have to really study my math, do my chemistry and study my history, english, and do my rhythm speller. Shouldn't be too bad, and then fix my hair and other things. We must get to work now so I'll leave you to assemble my thoughts for me after I close this book.

November 25, 1981

Oh, I hope I can get 20 pages written fast! I have so much bothering me about this Florida vacation. Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong for me. Pat and Kevin were on my back in the care on the way here. And Susan has this thing now with me being her young sister, and her, my older one, and she is trying to get close to me and I can't stand it! I dopn't know where she got the idea from, except that we're only paying for two adults, instead of three, in the hotel room. I felt really miserable in the car and I didn't think I was going to maike it for too long and I didn't. Monday when we got to the first hotel, we had a problem with checking in, then when we finally got into our room, I discovered that I had my period, and early too dammit! Then the toilet wouldn't flush of all things! Shit! Well, I know that I'd have to figure out my own little system of privacy and I did, but it's hard because there is not sink. It's outside the bathroom so that wouldn't help me if I were to say, bring my whole toiletry bag in the bathroom and say I was brushing me teeth. But anyway, I've been lucky. I don't bleed that much which I don't understand because I'm so fat, but one thing is that I get my period about every 3 weeks, instead of 5, like I used to. Well, I'm thankful for small favors, God, Mother Nautre. God forbid the three of them should find out that I happen to have my period! God forbid! Because they'll attribute that to my moodiness, which is not the case anyway. But I've noticed in the past 2 years or so that I'm more emotional before my period then I am at any other time. Some say it's menstrual tension, and who knows? I'm just stating a coincidence. Anyway, I didn't mean to spend so much time on the topic.

That night we had dinner, which was not enjoyable for me, and then we went for ice cream at Lake Buena Vista (The Good Life) Village. That was nice. There are stores there and I see a cat Christmas ornament that I would like to get for Miss Prudon, the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I also saw a little stained glass box with a unicorn on the top that I'd love to buy for Chris and put pot in it. Then I saw this rug that said Chris Cowboy on it. That would be funny too.

Yesterday we went to Disney World and it was okay. I only got to Space Mountain once. It was Kevin's first time there so that was a pain, and then I had another fight with my mother. We left the park at the very last minute and took the monorail to Polynesian Village for some delicious Polynesian drinks. I wanted to do that so I enjoyed it. (God my handwriting is atrocious!) We took the bus to the Dutch Inn, to get our car to get to our second hotel, the Royal Plaza, whichy I like much better. We ate a very late dinner in the coffee shop until 11:00 P.M. They had good chocoalte cake. When we got back to the room, Susan started crying and yelling at me "I'm sick and tired of being insulted and ignored and all I want to do is go to bed dammit!" Oh, borhter. My mother made me apologize but I think that she was overreacting. Her husband got her down before on the phone. They're getting a divorce you know. Sometimes I say things and they just don't come out right. I hate that! Then people misunderstand me and everything!

Today I'm separated from them. It's absolutely gorgeious out here in Flordia by the pool surrounded with palm trees and sun in a resort hotel! Can't really beat it can you? It really is nice! It really is! I got started late with my homework and needless to say, I couldn't concentrate! I had lunch all by myself, and a banana daiquiri! I took a book with me to the coffee shop. I didn't get much reading in. I played $2.00 worth of Pacman, my first time! I can't believe myself and I've met no one! That's okay though. I'm fat and I'm with my mother so forget it. I've been longing to write for days and finally I am. Tomorrow is our last day, thank God! But I'll only see Ramesh and Sheila for a few hours. That's very upsetting! Oh I wish I had someone here with me. I hate to go on vacations with nobody my age! I'm miserable and everybody is on my back! I hate adults. And I can't stand Susan closing in on me with wanting me to do things with her. I can't take it! It's so warm here! It's beautiful. Mrs. Chasan is in Tampa now. I wish she was staying here. Sometimes I wouldn't say that, but I would now. I'll take anybody, God. How come I'm alone again? I wouldn't say that all the time but I would now. I can't wait to get home. I'm gonna have to get a lot of homework done in the car though. I can't wait to see Ramesh and Sheila and I hope we can do what we want or else I'll get very upset if I'm in the state of mind I'm in now. I was going to write Ellen a letter to tell her how miserable I was just to let everything out, but I never did. I was feeling better. I'm not going to write postcards because I was too upset to do so. I'm reading a book by Gertrude Stein which I'm going to have to put away because it's a fright too difficult at points. I'll aske Mrs. Colford or Miss Kocher, Mr. Ambrose or Mr. Viall if I could possibly understand her. It's amazing how many problems I have but so does everyone else. What's the matter with me? If only ther was someone I knew to talk to now. It would be so nice and a lonvely thing to have someon walk over to me now. I'd be so happy. Oh things with me aren't the pits now though I am alone and lonely. There is nothing much I can do to talk, rather meet someone. I sit here, I write, I read, I'm alone. There are middle-aged persons and no one over 13. The set up here, really, is very lovely. Everything is new and in brown plastic with astroturf, but I think everything would look prettier in green and yellow. I didn't get any sun today. Oh well! I washed my hair but still have dandruff. I can't wait to be in school again. Mrs. Chasan met a woman who says if you want to be a good writer, write, write, write anything, as much as possible. I'll have to ask Mrs. Chasan what we should write though. By now, I'm forcing myself he4re, and if I want to get any use out of this and gain better ability at writing, I suppose I'll have to write properly, with punctuation, and I'll have to try and THYINK before IU write, so as to convey better and more meaning in my words. Should I write a little essay on something? I played more Pacman. I just keep speindg my money! I'm going to have to starve myself before Christmas. If I ever realized exactly how fat I am, I think I'd die. I can't believe I'm sitting her and wirting. On the way here I though about being a write. I think I might like to be one, but not a lazy one. I would do it on the side and work with chidlren as my career. I think that's best. But I really want to know about 20 languages. I think I can do it. I'll travel a lot to use them. I love languages and children and reading and writing. One day I must assimilate those loves of mine. I'd also like to learn to write poetry. I can't you know, although I remember a poem I wrote in first grade. I wonder if it is original. My mother liked it. I don't have the paper though. It was:

Flowers and showers
Puppies and guppies
Everything is special
But not like me

Amazing as I put my name underneath how that was me when I was so much less of what I am now. I changed atmospheres. Now I'm sitting on the first floor of the hotel. I have such a headache! Oh, I wish someone was here with me. I'm so lonely. Yesterday in the park, a little blonde girl came to me and asked me if I wanted to come to her house and play because she has lots of toys. She was so beautiful. I wish Natasha was here. I think I've forgotten what she looks like.

November 22, 1981

I finished my story last night at 2:00 A.M. I typed during commercials of Sybil. I didn't like the way it turned out. It just left me feeling that it had a lot left to be desired. I mailed it to New York, with a self-addressed stamped enveloped. I was too tired to copy it. The way I mailed it at 5:30 this morning was quite dramatic. It was dark and cold out, and no cars were in sight.

November 21, 1981

I was really upset yesterday. I couldn't write al all and Mrs. Chasan was tearing my story apart. I think I have a different perspective now.

November 20, 1981

I'm so depressed! My mother was supposed to get married today. Ironically I'm entering a story in a writing contest for a Christian maqgazine. It's called, I WILL." It's about my final acceptance of the fact that my mother can love others besides me. It was hard for me to accept that because she and I were all we had , and I am so possessive and so used to it.

Anyway, I'm leaving for Florida on Sunday, the deadline for the story is the following Sunday so I have to have it done by tomorr.w. I just 3 days ago, returned to workinf on it, after a 2 week rest. I couldn't write then. I don't know why. Mrs. Chasan got me...

Sometime in November, 1981

The last 3 years of my life have been shit.

1. Death in family/lose friends in 8th grade
2. Father comes to visit after many years
3. Finding out truth about illegitimacy
4. Mother's boyfriend comes to live with us
5. Lots of fighting in house
6. First display of adolescent rebellion on my part
7. Grades go down due to new problems
8. Fighting constantly with best friend
9. Best friend having problems at home
10. Cheat at school for very first time
11. Begin to realize I need a psychiatrist
12. Best friend's brother becomes very ill
13. I get mono
14. I turn away from a good teacher friend
15. Best friend's grandmother dies
16. Mother shocks me with marital plans
17. Best friend's brother goes to hospital
18. Fighting at home
19. Mother's boyfriend moves out
20. I start with psychiatrist
21. I miss mid-terms - can't handle a thing - am miserable and a mess
22. planning on not returning to Vail-Deane
23. begin school again, am in a lot of trouble - on probation
24. mother's fiance moves in
25. we go skiing with mother's fiance - i hated that
26. i move in with Ellen and family
27. no one cares about me
28. not communicating with school, teachers, friends
29. not communicating with mother
30. mother goes to psychiatrist
31. i become physically ill again
32. my friends meet Kevin
33. still no one knows about my mother's marital plans
34. friends hate me
35. getting in deeper trouble at school
36. bringing myself back up
37. told friends mother getting married
38. getting depressed again
39. talking to Mrs. Chasan - feeling happy but not completely satisfied with talk
40. next day almost committed suicide
41. become friends with Ray - tell him everything
42. finally admit to mother that her boyfriend sexually abused me
43. I must tell psychiatrist
44. become depressed for exactly one week
45. bridal shower
46. get A on term paper - happy
47. school ends
48. Mrs. Chasan, Miss Geier, Mrs. DeWitt all care about me and want to keep in touch over summer
    
49. makes me feel very much worth something
50. summer begins - I get sick again
51. start protein diet
52. become depressed for one month
53. lose lots of weight - gain it all back
54. fighting again
55. summer is awful
56. stop writing - had been writing for several moonths
57. never keep in touch with teachers
58. try pot for first time - don't like it and sorry I did
59. re-befriend an old friend
60. I totally skipped over my mother's wedding. How did I do that? My mother got married. I don't feel any pain after marriage or during. I was numb.
61. getting much flack at work - can't handle - realize it is good self-discipline to put up with it
62. don't see much of friends anymore
63. Ray and I no longer friends
64. summer ends - see some classmates a few days before school - things are the same - I don't like it
65. school begins - it's wonderful - everybody cared about me. I was so happy. Mrs. Chasan seemed like everything was over with and would let me be a friend again. Miss Geier and Mrs. DeWitt and Miss Goldman cared also.
66. Off ot a good start
67. Mrs. Chasan gets mean to me again and Miss Goldman too.
68. Having troulbe undertadning that
69. Maria tells me she is very fond of me, we become friends again, at least I want to be a friend again and am ready for it
70. Can realize everything that has been happening in the last couple of years and can analyze it
71. Am ready to continue with a new life
72. Can't wait to get our of house - it is hard living home - no one to share things with. It's two against one.
73. I fucked up everything for myself. Not knowing how to fix it. Not sure if it was my fault. Did a lot a lot of crying and writing. Those two menial things got me through it all.
74. Can't wait until mother gets pregnant
75. Call up old relatives

*****

I'll be seventeen in January 1982. I can't believe a year has gone by so fast. About a month before my sixteenth birthday, I began to undergo a personality change, and little did I or anybody around me ever know that it was going to last as long as it did. And now, looking back, it has only been a few moonths that I've recovered from this personality alteration, and it seems so short compared to what I know I'll come up against in my future. This change that took place inside my mind, I think was a culmination of the previous two year worth of previous frustrations and the frustrations that I encountered. It is unfortunate that I could not deal with my problems, and that I became so messed up, but I wonder now if the months after my 16th birthday were just an extreme display of adolescent emotionalism. I don't know yet, but I will try to analyze the situation one day to discover...

Since eighth grade, my life was pretty rocky, but it wasn't so bad. I just wasn't so used to having so much on my mind.

*****

I've got to be a sweet and quiet person (I keep telling me that). If nobody likes me, I don't know what I'm going to do in this school?!

Mrs. Chasan
Miss Goldman
Mr. Ambrose
Miss Prudo
Miss MacWhinney
Mr. Scozzafava
Mrs. DeWitt
Miss Geier

Got to get these people on my side.

Everybody was so nice to me in the beginning of the year. What happened? I want everybody to like me! I'm paranoid. But nobody knows me, or the kind of person I am. Who cares? Morgan likes me, what does that mean? He just thinks I'm a neat person. He's alright.

I'm not sick anymore but I don't understand why everybody's changed attitudes. Is it me, again?? It kind of feels like what happened before with Mrs. Chasan is going to happen again - but it won't.

November 14, 1981

Dear Notebook,

Today is Ray's 18th birthday! Wow, it's been so long since we've talked to each other. We haven't been close like we were for 6 weeks a few months ago. That's OK, we're both into our own thing. I'm afraid no one has time for me anymore. Again I feel so lonely. I don't know what to do! Constantly, I'm thinking about a sister. How I would absolutely adore her! I need a companion so badly. I wish my mother hadn't aborted her fetus in '69. He or she ould be going on 13! Oh I'm so lonely.

Before it was nice outside. Now it's rather gloomy. I should be doing homework soon. I will write to Amy Nixon and Ali one day soon, and I must read The Scarlet Letter. I can't wait! I'll read that in Vermont.

I'm so upset! My mother has given up on me with the weight clionic. All those hundreds of dollars wasted! I've disappointed her so much! I hate my fat body! I hate myself. Mrs. DeWitt was disappointed about the C I got in math. I'm just all around upset with my report card also:

1. 1 A
2. 2 A-'s
3. 2 B+'s
4. 1 B
5. 1 C

I don't understand Mrs. Chasan. She really gets me upset sometimes very much. I think I have got to stay away from her. I'm having so much trouble writing that thing for the contest. Mrs. Chasan will be so angry with me if I quit. But I can't write! The words from my feelings aren't flowing! I guess I shouldn't just quit. I can't do things like that in my life, and also it will look good on my record. Oh, what difficulty and problems I have with myself. Everything is hard. Nothing is easy.

Maria is having a tough adolescence. She looks up to me as a big sister. That is so wonderful. I've got to work out my own problems.

In glee club on Thursday, Miss Prudon made me sing in front of all of the glee club. That was the first time I had ever done such a thing. I might get a solo.

My hair is getting very long. I love it! My hair really is beautiful sometimes.

I'm getting pretty decent on the piano although my rhythm is shot.

I don't quite know if I should stay away from Mrs. Chasan. I sometimes honestly think that she is trying to hurt me in some way, whether it be my grade (which she goofed up again for about the 3rd or 4th time) or my friendship with Ellen (GOD FORBID IT!) or if she's toying with my mind to screw me up. She is not very compassionate with me, and I need someone to be. Barbara isn't around. Ellen and Maria care about me, Melissa and Mary, and Heidi and Camile and Michelle and Mitra and Donna will help me. They're all wonderful people. I hope I know them when they are adults. It's amazing how we'll all change! But anyway, I'll lay off Mrs. Chasan a while. I don't want to get hurt by anyone anymore!

Last night I saw Body Heat at the Maplewood with Elaine. It was good. Tuesday, Elaine and I went out and I had the best time. I talked to her like we've never talked before! I think we learned a lot about each other.

I still haven't seen Kim yet! I better see her soon or else I'll take it personally. You see, her car is broken, but her Dad's a car mechanic so he can fix it real soon. How wonderful!

I don't understand Mrs. Chasan. She opens herself up to hurt. Why? I wonder if that is why she is friends with Amy? Amy is not that nice. I wondered how Mrs. Chasan could be her friend. She doesn't seem like a compassionate enough person to help Amy is she has problems. And I wondered simply how they could be friends. What are they like?

I wonder if I sent that long letter, full of feeling to Amy if she would write back voluntarily and inevitably with feeling. And I wonder if Mrs. Chasan would write me including her feelings and not just daily events. If she didn't write with feeling, then what would I care? That is what is important! Feeling.

Maybe. I've totally mistaken Mrs. Chasan. Maybe she can just put on a real good act. She loves gossip. I wonder if her mother is a sweetheart! Her mother has to be.

November 10, 1981

Dear Notebook,

God I was depressed today! Grades will be given out soon. Mine, I already know some. They are pretty good. I hope I don't screw up the rest of the year like my mother sayd I will. We were singing "Home for the Holidays" today in glee club. I almost started crying. My eyes were filled with tears. Oh, how I abhor my fat body! I hate myself sometimes. Why did I get fat?! Oh why can't I be thin one day! (Without any effort).

It might snow for school tomorrwo. OH GOD PLEASE LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW! How I would love a day off from school tomorrow. We have a history test. I hope I do well. I've got to hyper down a bit really soon or else, I'll be despised.

November 7, 1981

Dear Notebook,

You'll never guess what happened yesterday between Mrs. Chasan and I. I'm so so happy. Tahnk you God! Remember I was telling you how I longed for an older female companion? And remember when I told you that I wanted Mrs. Chasna to fill that position for me? Well, I think I may have received my wish, and boy, I'm so grateful.

After school yesterday, I was with Mrs. Chasan when Heidi came into the room with our junior books. That is where Mrs. Chansan and I were, looking at Ellen's history essayd. Well, Heidi was packing her books and Mrs. Chasan said, "So you won't tell me who the mystery date is?" Heidi said, "That's right!...and Patricia you better not tell her either!" I said, "I won't Heidi, I promise," as she was walking down the hall. She stopped int Mr. Maher's room to get Chris (her date) and they proceeded down the stairs together. After Mrs. Chasan and I were finished talking to Willie, I proceeded down the hall, and Mrs. Chasan went into Mr. Ambrose's room for a sec. I was leaning over the balcony telling Heidi, my lips were sealed when Mrs. Chasan came by, saw the two of them, and asked me if Chris was her date. I told her I wasn't going to say anything. She said that she thought it was, and told me she was going down stairs to see Heidi and Chris leave. I followed her because her face was so lit up and she wanted to know so badly about Chris and Heidi. I became interested in her actions. She told me I shouldn't follw her because she did not want me to get into trouble. I said I wouldn't and that I was just going to get a drink of water. She went outside. I stayed inside and talked to Maria. When she came back, she told me she saw them, but wouldn't wave because she didn't want to tease or embarass them. I thought that was a very good idea because I would hate for anyone to do that to me.

So I was talking to Maria and I told Mrs. Chasan I would be up soon. She told me not to hurry, that she didn't need me, that she would be leaving soon, and that what I was doing was more important (which was talking to Maria).

Thursday, Maria and I talked for a nice long time. We have such good talks. We really understand each other, and I'm so glad we are on the ver same level. (Mrs. Chasan and I are on the same level I THINK also). Thursday, I was talking to Maria for so long that Mrs. Chasan left before us. I said goodbye from the reception room into the main hall, which is a littel bit difficult from where I was sitting. Anyway, she couldn't believe we were still around, and talking for so long. I think she wondered what we were talking about (I wonder if she is going to buddy up with Maria next week). I'm so sorry I wrote that but the day after Mrs. Chasan and I were talking about the opposite sex, she talked long with Ellen, and told her that she thought I really needed a friend now. Later on, Ellen told me this and I couldn't believe it. I felt kind of lonely because I couldn't or didn't want to believe that Mrs. Chasan would think that I didn't have a friend. I wish Ellen had siad "Well, she has a friend Mrs. Chasan," (meaning or referring to herself, Ellen). I felt the same way as when Barbara told my mother I was "sick." I got scared and a little insulted even though I had brought it on myself. Well anyway, yesterday I don't understand why Mrs. Chasan resignedly told me to talk to Maria. I know that was appropriate etiquette, so I guess that is why.

Maria and I talked more. Then when she had to leave, I went upstairs to Mrs. Chasan soon after. She was grading my "preppy" satire. I got an A/C, which is okay. I'm not a funny person.

I'm so glad Mrs. Chasan and I got into talking again. We talked about her marriage, future children, about Kevin (a little). I asked her a few questions about her high school fun. They went to dances in her day, and never did anything wrong. But in college, that was her time of "adventure." She said she smoked a great deal in college (cigarettes). I can't believe it! Her - smoke! Oh we talked about other things which I at the moment have forgotten because I was interrupted my mother mother, but I know I enjoyed every minute of our conversation, and God I hope we always will talk so personally.

When we decided it was time to go, we walked down the stairs and talked about her future children. I told her I wanted to hold her children in my arms for a long time. I can't wait! She said she'll leaver after us. She likes our class. I can't wait until she gets pregnant! I just can't wait!

As we were on the stairs outside, she saw that my ride wasn't there and asked when it was coming. I told her it would be just a short while as Pat and Kevin came together and it takes them longer. Mrs. Chasan told me that it was good to have someone to come home with, and then I think I said "Yeah, but usually in the car is all the time I have alone with my mother, and I wish he didn't have to disturb that since she is the only person in the whole world who loves me." Then Mrs. Chasan said, "Oh Tricia, I'll love you,...love is something that everyone can share or feel for each other, friends, parents, husbands, children, relatives, etc." (She said something like that). Then I think she said, "I love you...I care about you, as my student and friend...you know, I've seen you grow though the years and I sure did put up with a lot from you last year (she said with a smile). I thought "wow." It felt so good to hear her say that. That's just what I wanted to hear. And I said, "Well, I love you too," kind of awkwardly, but notebook you know I meant it. I did! I do love Mrs. Chasan. I am a lot like her in many ways. At times I can't figure her out, but I know I confuse her too (I wonder if she has any close friends. I'm sure she must. It doesn't seem she does, but I'm sure she must).

The she said, "Have a good weekend," and she leaned over and kissed my right cheeck, softely. I kissed her right cheek the same way. I was elated. I though, wow, we really are going to be close now. I couldn't believe it. She walked down the stairs, got into her car and started it and sat there for a while. I was really hoping she wasn't sorry for doing that. She certainly wan't because she drove by, stopped and said, "Tricia, come here, I want you to hear this song I was telling you about." I came to her window and she said come in. I sat in her car, listened and we talked a tad more. Then it was time to leave again, so I very smiley said, "have a good weekend" and she said something about my independence, and then, as I was standing outside the car, told her something about my independence because I didn't immediatley agree. Then she decided that I was physically independent, and not emotionally independent. I agreed.

Now I'm very happy. She told me it was hard being a friend with a student that you have in class. That if she reprimanded me, not to take it on a personal level. I understood totally. I said it was hard for a student also, and I told her I just wanted her to know that I realized it too. She said "Good."

Mrs. Chasan told me once that she was a physical person who liked to touch to get her feelings across. I understand. I'm that way too. That is what her kiss represented, and I understood it becuase I do think she likes me and probably does love me because I do love her. I really honestly, and truly do. You know that God. Mrs. Chasan kisses many of her students. That's okay. (I can't seem to write what I feel now). I'm not depressed. I'm rationalizing. It's okay though.

November 1, 1981

You know, I just realized that for the last two years, I have wanted children very much. I have desired them, and now I want a man more than a child for the time being. Before, I didn't care if I had illegitimate children because I didn't care about having a man. But now, I want a boyfriend so bad, so badly do I want a boyfriend that I think I'm going to lose weight and who knows what else I want or will do for a boy.

I still can't get over what Mrs. Chasan told me. That talk about her sex life did me such good, and made me feel so wonderful to know that one day that will all happen to me, and I can't wait!

I think I want Ali again, I want Ali again and that's all I want. He is going to occupy my mind. I wish Ray was not a homosexual. I really do, but oh well, I would never marry him. He's nice but hard to get along with at times. But I shouldn't really say. People change and I'm tought too.

I'm in love with Ali from afar. Last year I was sure I was going to lose my virginity with him in Paris. I was going to run away to see him and make love with him. And then we could make love to each other as much as we desired from then on until I had to leave. I then thought I was going to lose my virginity with Ray this summer in his house in Pennsylvania around July when my mom was away, but our feelings for each other vanished too quickly and I'm not going to repress my sexual feelings anymore. I'm almost 17 years old. I've matured sexually so much later than anyone else.

I would love a boyfriend no. I would just love one. I don't want to be vulnerable but I love Ali, I do love him. I need him. I need him so much. Oh God, does he love me? Please make him love me. Forget about my vision of the man I want. (I can't wait until I have sex), I just can't wait until I fall in love with some wonderful man. Oh thank God I'm not a lesbian! Oh thank God!! I realize now, it must have been so so difficult for Ray. Oh I understand. I'm so sorry I couldn't see. But I just got screwed about sex. I never really had any feelings about it or let myself. I don't really know why though, but everyone thinks it's because of Mike.

Oh but I want Ali! I want him! I love him! I do God! Please let me have him. Give him to me please.

I can't belive the change that has come over me. I'll never be the same again. I finally understand Ellen's feelings about the opposite sex. I never did before! It's so weird! But now Ellen adn I can talk about boys and sex (sort of) and we mutually enjoy it. Oh it filled me up so much inside to talk with Mrs. Chasan. I want to talk to her again and again. Oh right now I love the opposite sex!

*****

Later the same day...

I think I'm going to see my cousin Kim this week after all these years. I can hardly wait! Oh God I feel so sick now! What's wrong with me? I think I feel like throwing up! Oh God, do I feel nauseous!

Oh I can't write at all! I hope Mrs. Chasan can give me some suggestions. I've had so much on my mind these last few days since Mrs. Chasan found out I got my period on Wednesday at school and I wasn't prepared. Maybe that instigated her talk. Probably did but I'm sure glad we talked, it was wonderful! I would really like to talk to her more.

Maryann Lutter is in labor now. She is Elaine's 17 year old friend. I don't care. I can't wait until she has her baby. I want to hold it. She is so lucky. I want my very own child!

Why, when I was younger was I so against boys and all related stuff like dating and everything? Now, I'm so interested! I hope I'm not a nymphomaniac. My mother is very interested in sex. I know I've never been afraid of it, so why?

October 30, 1981

Today should be really fun because it's halloween for us at school. I'm going as a hockey player since we have a game and underclassmen are not allowed to get dressed up anyway. It's 6:30 A.M. now. I got up half an hour ago because last night I went to bed at eleven and didn't do anything but write 4 pages in here, but I was so tired. I'm going to study for my chemistry test soon and write my Huck Finn notes up.

Last night I layed up all night because I was thinking about Mrs. Chasan's talk with me. I sure hope I get in touch with Alie again adn I really do hope that Mrs. Chasan and I talk like that again and I hope that my dream of making love with Ali comes true. I thought about that last Sepverber in the beginning of 10th grade when I was just 15. That was the first time I eve had any feelings like that for a boy. I felt absolutely wonderful and so feminine. In 9th grade I never thought like that. That's interesting.

October 29, 1981

I'm in the Junior room now, alone! I don't really like it in here. We just had English last period. I got an 85 on my English test! That is so ridiculous. I've got to do better next time.

Yesterday I got my period during Chemistry, which was very early for me. I didn't have any tampons and there was no one convenient to ask, so I went to Miss Dundon because Miss Lee was eating lunch and I couldn't ask her then! I came to the lunch room and went to the bathroom there to make sure. I was right. I saw Miss Dundon on the little field during lunch and she was talking with Mrs. Chasan. Oh well, there was nothing I could do anyway so I nonchalantly asked Miss Dundon if I could go over to the gym office for a tampon. I knew she would ask what for. I think Mrs. Chasan was surprised, maybe Mis Dundon also but I could tell better with Mrs. Chasan because I can see into her more. I said thank you to her and proceeded on my way when both said I needed the keys. Mis Dundon gave them to me. I felt stupid. I know Mrs. Chasan was looking at me the whole time. I ran to the office. I was wearing white pants again! Mr. Viall was the only one there. I said "hi" and went about with what I had to do. Mr. Viall came into the office and asked me what I was looking for. I told him I was getting a tampon. It was cute. His reaction was, "Well, I asked," and I said "Yeah, you did." I think he was embarassed.

When I went back to return the keys, I smiled, said thank you and Mrs. Chasan asked me if I was feeling better. I said, as I was running to lunch, "I feel fine." I was nervous.

Today after lunch, I went up to the English room like I always do and Mrs. Chasan was there. I wasn't expecting her to be there and she scared me. She even seemed a bit mad. She asked me what I was doing there and I told her I always come there. She told me I don't belong here. Then she said, "You look really pale, is it because you have your period?" I said, "yes, I guess so, I don't know."

Later on, eigth period. We get into talking because I asked her if I could ever read anything that she ever wrote when she was my age. Then we talked about her boyfriends and we talked and talked more and more. I had an absolutely wonderful time. She told me about her first love affair! I can't believe it. We talked about sex. It really was great. It was so wonderful when she told me all these things about herself and the men she's made love with. This is the truth and I'll never ever forget it. I told her about Morgan wanting to make love with me and I told her about Ray and how I thought I was going to lose my virginity at 16. And I also told her about more of my problems last year and how I regretted not having her sympathy at that time in my life. Well, we just had fun talking about ourselves and she mentioned that we have that thing in common about being too honest for our own good. And she also said that we both are too into ourselves and get wrapped up in our own problems. I agreed totally.

She told me that she's made love with many men before she married and she told me that she's never made love with anyone she didn't love. I can't wait to have sex. I'm never ever going to tell anyone about what we talked about and I really hope we can talk about it again. I'll pray. I'd like to tell her about Mike. I also told her about my psychiatrist. This talk about her did me so much good. I've really got to watch out about men. I'm so happy Mrs. Chasan and I talked about what we talked about. Oh thank you God for that moment.

I got into thinking about Ali, and I think I'm going to give him a call. I love him and miss him SO much. I love him! I love Ali. I do.

*****

I don't know why I want people to understand me. I think it may be an excuse for something because I want people to like me and be nice and I can't deal with people who aren't nice. I'll gorw out of this "understand me" phase.