November 1, 1981
You know, I just realized that for the last two years, I have wanted children very much. I have desired them, and now I want a man more than a child for the time being. Before, I didn't care if I had illegitimate children because I didn't care about having a man. But now, I want a boyfriend so bad, so badly do I want a boyfriend that I think I'm going to lose weight and who knows what else I want or will do for a boy.
I still can't get over what Mrs. Chasan told me. That talk about her sex life did me such good, and made me feel so wonderful to know that one day that will all happen to me, and I can't wait!
I think I want Ali again, I want Ali again and that's all I want. He is going to occupy my mind. I wish Ray was not a homosexual. I really do, but oh well, I would never marry him. He's nice but hard to get along with at times. But I shouldn't really say. People change and I'm tought too.
I'm in love with Ali from afar. Last year I was sure I was going to lose my virginity with him in Paris. I was going to run away to see him and make love with him. And then we could make love to each other as much as we desired from then on until I had to leave. I then thought I was going to lose my virginity with Ray this summer in his house in Pennsylvania around July when my mom was away, but our feelings for each other vanished too quickly and I'm not going to repress my sexual feelings anymore. I'm almost 17 years old. I've matured sexually so much later than anyone else.
I would love a boyfriend no. I would just love one. I don't want to be vulnerable but I love Ali, I do love him. I need him. I need him so much. Oh God, does he love me? Please make him love me. Forget about my vision of the man I want. (I can't wait until I have sex), I just can't wait until I fall in love with some wonderful man. Oh thank God I'm not a lesbian! Oh thank God!! I realize now, it must have been so so difficult for Ray. Oh I understand. I'm so sorry I couldn't see. But I just got screwed about sex. I never really had any feelings about it or let myself. I don't really know why though, but everyone thinks it's because of Mike.
Oh but I want Ali! I want him! I love him! I do God! Please let me have him. Give him to me please.
I can't belive the change that has come over me. I'll never be the same again. I finally understand Ellen's feelings about the opposite sex. I never did before! It's so weird! But now Ellen adn I can talk about boys and sex (sort of) and we mutually enjoy it. Oh it filled me up so much inside to talk with Mrs. Chasan. I want to talk to her again and again. Oh right now I love the opposite sex!
*****
Later the same day...
I think I'm going to see my cousin Kim this week after all these years. I can hardly wait! Oh God I feel so sick now! What's wrong with me? I think I feel like throwing up! Oh God, do I feel nauseous!
Oh I can't write at all! I hope Mrs. Chasan can give me some suggestions. I've had so much on my mind these last few days since Mrs. Chasan found out I got my period on Wednesday at school and I wasn't prepared. Maybe that instigated her talk. Probably did but I'm sure glad we talked, it was wonderful! I would really like to talk to her more.
Maryann Lutter is in labor now. She is Elaine's 17 year old friend. I don't care. I can't wait until she has her baby. I want to hold it. She is so lucky. I want my very own child!
Why, when I was younger was I so against boys and all related stuff like dating and everything? Now, I'm so interested! I hope I'm not a nymphomaniac. My mother is very interested in sex. I know I've never been afraid of it, so why?
I still can't get over what Mrs. Chasan told me. That talk about her sex life did me such good, and made me feel so wonderful to know that one day that will all happen to me, and I can't wait!
I think I want Ali again, I want Ali again and that's all I want. He is going to occupy my mind. I wish Ray was not a homosexual. I really do, but oh well, I would never marry him. He's nice but hard to get along with at times. But I shouldn't really say. People change and I'm tought too.
I'm in love with Ali from afar. Last year I was sure I was going to lose my virginity with him in Paris. I was going to run away to see him and make love with him. And then we could make love to each other as much as we desired from then on until I had to leave. I then thought I was going to lose my virginity with Ray this summer in his house in Pennsylvania around July when my mom was away, but our feelings for each other vanished too quickly and I'm not going to repress my sexual feelings anymore. I'm almost 17 years old. I've matured sexually so much later than anyone else.
I would love a boyfriend no. I would just love one. I don't want to be vulnerable but I love Ali, I do love him. I need him. I need him so much. Oh God, does he love me? Please make him love me. Forget about my vision of the man I want. (I can't wait until I have sex), I just can't wait until I fall in love with some wonderful man. Oh thank God I'm not a lesbian! Oh thank God!! I realize now, it must have been so so difficult for Ray. Oh I understand. I'm so sorry I couldn't see. But I just got screwed about sex. I never really had any feelings about it or let myself. I don't really know why though, but everyone thinks it's because of Mike.
Oh but I want Ali! I want him! I love him! I do God! Please let me have him. Give him to me please.
I can't belive the change that has come over me. I'll never be the same again. I finally understand Ellen's feelings about the opposite sex. I never did before! It's so weird! But now Ellen adn I can talk about boys and sex (sort of) and we mutually enjoy it. Oh it filled me up so much inside to talk with Mrs. Chasan. I want to talk to her again and again. Oh right now I love the opposite sex!
*****
Later the same day...
I think I'm going to see my cousin Kim this week after all these years. I can hardly wait! Oh God I feel so sick now! What's wrong with me? I think I feel like throwing up! Oh God, do I feel nauseous!
Oh I can't write at all! I hope Mrs. Chasan can give me some suggestions. I've had so much on my mind these last few days since Mrs. Chasan found out I got my period on Wednesday at school and I wasn't prepared. Maybe that instigated her talk. Probably did but I'm sure glad we talked, it was wonderful! I would really like to talk to her more.
Maryann Lutter is in labor now. She is Elaine's 17 year old friend. I don't care. I can't wait until she has her baby. I want to hold it. She is so lucky. I want my very own child!
Why, when I was younger was I so against boys and all related stuff like dating and everything? Now, I'm so interested! I hope I'm not a nymphomaniac. My mother is very interested in sex. I know I've never been afraid of it, so why?
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 6:47 AM
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