September 23, 1982

Thursday At home

It’s been a real long time since I’ve written in here. I had wanted to begin again but it was only today that I truly felt to do so. There is some serious catching up to do. First of all, I hate all the shit I wrote in here last year. It’s all so embarrassing. I really am growing up. I would not say I’m so mature but I can feel that I have definitely matured. My interests seem different and changed now. I still worry about Mrs. Chasan but I realize that more so I am very busy and I can’t let her get to me. I’ve minimally talked to her these past two weeks of school. I hope it’s just not because she doesn’t care. The first day of school was wonderful. She was really, really happy to see me, and she’s asked me if I would ever drive her to school if her car is in the shop. Of course I’d love that. We’re going to meet on Tuesday to go over my Spanish work and that’s it. I think I’d rather be into myself than have friends. I’ve been hurt a lot and I hate when people are cruel. I just hate it. I think now I’m hitting a slump which always happens to me in the beginning of the school year. I better get all of my homework out of the way, lose weight and start with applications. That way when the term paper comes and yearbook has to be done, I can handle it. I would like to help out the lower school, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. I’m taking French also but I’m on the hockey team, plus I do extra work for Spanish. So I’m full. This weekend I go to the World’s Fair and I hope to get my homework done. I’m afraid of the person that I am. I don’t know if I’m supremely intelligent or just average. I want to know where my thoughts come from and why I am what I am. I notice that there are so many people who seem to get in the way of my search and it really is frustrating. I’ve got to protect myself, can’t let that happen. There are adults who and I hate to say it, but are just jerks. Their actions sometimes have no purpose but that is who they are and I must accept it. You know, I try to do that. I think I’d like to be a nun. I’m going to continue to lose weight. I even want to be sick for awhile or even die. Sheila doesn’t want to go to college and I don’t want a career. I want an education and I want children. If I could have a wonderful husband and wonderful friends that would be good, but I see no end to the cruelty I feel from all kind of people. My own headmaster thinks I’m the scum of the earth. My peers treat me that way too. My mother and her husband think I’m shit and I disagree with everyone. There is nothing I’m truly after because I believe there will be nowhere to take it anyway. I couldn’t connive a person or I couldn’t put on a false act because what I may possibly receive in return wouldn’t be important to me. Today Mr. Ambrose gave a wonderful lecture on W.E.B. Dubois. There’s a man Patricia S. can identify with. Mr. Ambrose was explaining how supremely intelligent he was but I wonder how Mr. Ambrose can say that without himself being supremely intelligent. Later I told Mr. A. that I liked the guy and he said that he was a disturbed individual. How rotten! Then I am disturbed. No matter how intelligent or dumb I am, I know I am a disturbed individual because I feel it within me. I know not one person I can identify with. Plus I’ve reached a point now where I am very down on Ellen. I feel sorry for her but I know that she’s been a damned shitty friend and I hate her for it. I have always been a kind friend to her and her family, receiving nothing in return. Yes, they’ve let me stay at their house but no more. I don’t need it and Ellen can go to hell until she learns to treat me like a person. She’s always been after something better and I’ve just been convenient. It makes me sick that a person can treat another so cruelly but God made people do that just to drive Patricia crazy and I’ll swear by that. Anybody who disagrees with me is unsympathetic, unthinking and has more to learn. But I just know it’s me who’s got the problems, yet still no one can accept me. I really want to die. I haven’t a friend in the world. My only problem is being alert and doing applications. I was so depressed the day before the first day of school because of my mother. She was a bitch the night I came home but the next day I was happy because Mrs. Chasan saved my day. She hugged me really hard twice, said she missed me, talked to me and said she got all my letters. Now I hardly see her and God why do you allow that? I really don’t think I was meant to have a friend. I hate Ellen because she’s an enemy who pretended to be a friend. There’s no need in feeling sorry for me because I have a low self image if that’s what this is because I certainly haven’t been given ego boosters all my life. Besides I have no knowledge in how to take compliments well. Anyway my problems aren’t anyone else’s problems. I think I’ll just die with my problems. Ali was supposed to come back but he’s not here yet. I would truly cry if I couldn’t have him because I’m in love with him. I love Ali. If only God could give Ali to me then maybe I would have something to live for. I realize how ridiculous that sounds but I hate certain things. I used to say I hated myself but I know that that was really because everyone treated me badly and I couldn’t handle it. Steppenwolf says that self-hate really means large ego. I believe in the ultimate perfection of the individual yet I sometimes hardly ever strive for that. I think I’m depressing myself now. I still haven’t found anything to live for.