December 9, 1981

Oh my God! I don't believe my mother. I must write about this. Tonight the school closed early and I had to leave the campus. I had no say in what the school did. But I was lucky that I had somewhere to go. Michelle invited me to her house. That was very nice of her and we had a lot of fun. I haven't been there since 7th grade. I had to call Kevin to inform him of this turn of evens and give him directions in order to adapt to the situation accordingly. He came and it turned out to be no problem at all. In fact, we talked all the way home. I swear! We did that last night also, and a couple of other times. Mostly, we talk about school. Anyway he had to go to school so he had to just drop me off in front of the house. Fine, no proble. So I was home alone because my mother went out with friends. That was fine too. I enjoy being alone so I practiced my singing. I didn't eat dinner until; later, fell asleep before 8:00P.M. and studied for an hour. At 9:00 P.M. I put ofn Facts of Life and sat down in the living room and ate the dinner which I made for myuself during the 5 minute commercial break between shows. Right as I was about to eat, my dear friend Ellen called. I was going to excuse myself because of dinner which would have been the first time since I normally take things as they come and therefore in this situation I talked on the phone. I just couldn't excuse myself. It's not like me. It was not problem anyway. My mom wouldn't mind. As I was talking I watched my cold eggs to make sure my animals wouldn't touch them. No problem there either. Ellen and I had a nice half-hour talk. I missed my show. Oh well. My moom came home as our conversation was coming to an end. I got off and sat down to my dinner. From the living room I said "I had to go to Michelle's house after school." Very matter-of-fact, no big deal as I was eating my dinner, that's what I said to my mother in the bedroom. She said, "Oh Gopd! Why?" I was like really confused and could not understand why that would sound so tragic to her considering she had no idea what the reason why was. I said, "Why are you mad?" I was really upset, and my voice got loud. I couldn't understand why she seemed angry. That's why my voice raised. Later on she told me I was paranoid. Who the hell is she to judge the working of my mind? Yes, I am her daughter but I'm very separate from her. I am a person who she is one in her own right not a total one unfotunately due to the fgact that I don't have all my marbles but she simply can't see that I am a thinking and feeling person who thinks she knows what she needs and wants out of life. And if I don't the fact that I think I do know is enought to be qualified as a thinking and feeling human being. Okay?! God whoever wants to judge Patricia S. Everyone is a somebody who can't be judge by others. It's against the rules. No one likes it and only they know what they want from life. No one can tell you what you think and feel because they only know what theythink and feel because they only have one heart and one mind and that is their very own. Now when a person has problems and they are sick they need help. It is not that obvious. Same like me, or like I used to be for siome reaion I just can't turn to others to helkp them with their peronsl problems. I know it was the harest thing for me to do. But where are you going to get your brain repaiured? Somethings go to do it. There are ways, but i you turn to another person, be sure they love you. Love will help. Sympathy and strong consideration and honest understanding. Anyo9ne without these beautiful virtues will hurt you more. I know. (Do I know because I'm paranoid)?

After I inadvertently raised my voice she got really angry and closed the door and said, "I don't want to talk to you." Now I was more upset, gotup and opneed the door abruptly and said, "Why?" She said, "Get out, I can't stand your mouth!"

"But why are you angry now?" I said rather pleadingly. I get so confused. Why should a misunderstandin like this happen? What went wrong? I really thought she was angry at me from the beginning. I get angry when I'm confused about something because I get frustrated, very frustrated, just like a child, or a problemed person, but I am a sick person. I'm different. I know by now. Sometimes I can accept it and sometimes I can't.

We went on fighting but for some reason, I didn't cry and get as emotional as I ususally do. I know, oh do I know! when we go away skiing it will be absolute torture for all of us! But it's not fair. I always get blamed. Sadly, I don't have control over myself. Oh that has got to be improved. Vermont will be Christmas week, a very apprehensive one, and I'll have my period which sucks like shit! I'll be grateful if things turn out okay but I really don't want anything to go wrong.

I told my mother I hated her, called her stupid, told her she was a fucking bitch, and to shut up. I was really angry! Otherwise I wouldn't have said those terrible things! We were fighting over this wothless thing! She said she was worried about Kevin because he had school. She doesn't even know why I went to Michelle's or how he felt about it. I swear he didn't mind at all! And be better not change the story! Even if he was late, it wouldn't be my fault and sure I care! She was so goddamned presumptuous! God! I was pissed to hell! She said, "Forget about Christmas."

"I don't care," I said. "I don't want to spend Christmas with you and Kevin, I just want to spend it with my grandparents and myself. My grandparents are dead.

Now she is not taking me to my Nikki Giovanni meeting tomorrow night which is so important! Especially if I want to get into Sarah Lawrence. It will look so good! I just have to go! I do want to meet this poet. I love English so much! Well, I'm going to have to ask her one more time because she knew about it and then I'm not sure if I should call Miss Crowders and ask her for a ride. Because my mother might say yes. I'm afraid to bother her. Well, if I don't go, I'm going to cry my eyes out.

Then my mother yelled at me for being on the phone and not doing the dishes. The phone was something that she would not be mad at if she was acting herself as for the dishes, again she didn't give me a chance, as usual. But I'm mad so I won't do them now anyway. I don't care if she gave me extra money already. It's simply not right to treat me so. It's bad enough that I have to take math, that I should get yelled at and punished for misunderstanding. I can't help myself, but when I get frustrated , my anger, which my strength goes into, goes into my voice. My so called "big mouth" becomes strong with anger and volume. Then she says "You learn to talk to me with respect and then I'll talk to you. I can't stand your mouth." Well, this is not disrespect, it is an uncontrollabel physical idiosyncrasy I have and I hate her because she can't see that. She started everything. She wasn't angry at all because my food was on the living room table, looking disgusting , or that I was on the phone, or that the dishes weren't done. God damn her! What is her problem? I don't understand what happened. I never should have mentioned that little tidbit of information about my god damn afternoon. Shit! A lot she care about how I feel! Fine! She may think the same thing about me, but I don't understand, so maybe we both start arguments at different times but she's luckier than I. Her life is established. She no longer has to pay for her illegitimate daughter. She's married and is working on her doctorate. As for her job, I can't say anything except that it is a shame what she has to go through at work. But she is happy. Me? I'm worried about grades all the time and how to cope with Pat and Kevin and the trying situations they both put me through. It's not their fault. It's not one's but is is hard for me and becuase of them I must go through them. I'm so upset. How can I go and do difficult things one after the other?

*****

Mrs. DeWitt? Can I please talk to you for 5 minutes? I'm having problems at home with my mother and I don't know how to handle them, Things get really difficult at times and all I can think about is how upset I get by my fights with my mother and then I have trouble studying. And I' very very worried because what happened last year just can't happen again, I know! And I want to prevent anyuthing before I get too caught up in myself becuase it just can't happen all over again. I can't go through life like this - not being able to cope and I probably won't but now is important. My life practically depends on now and I like millions, want to succeed OF COURSE! But I can't handle my problems I'm ashames to say. I don't know what to do Mr.s De Witt?! I wish I had 2 minds, one that I did nothing by schoolwork with, and one I leveled with people with. Then I 'd have nop problem, because one wouldn't interfere with the other and when I worry about school, it affects my view of things not even dealing with school.

Would you like me to come back when I have more control over myself?

As I sit here and cry
I wonder why
For I know that in the end
everything will turn out
and crying only makes me
feel better
But now I'd like to die
I'm worried about college
about if I'll get into one
I'd like for it is so important!
It's the basis for my adult
life!
High school is the end of
my child life

It's late. I'm still doing
homework
The reason I've been
wasting my time crying
Thinking of dying and
how easy things would be
I want to be me
I want to prove that I was born
to give and to live
happy and helpful

But who care if I live or die?
give or cry?
Only me!
So let me be then!
Don't ridicule!
I'm not a fool!
I can do what I please
because I'm not on the Earth to hurt anyone
No I'm not!

But what a hypocrite am I
It's true I don't love my life
I've lived my whole life so far
but it hasn't been that good
but I'd like to say it has
I need someone to share my life with
But I know I'm not ready yet
I'm so young, but U'm so bold
and do I have the right?
even though I'm no that old
I feel I know much
but also know I need to grow more
God, please help me like you
helped Moses and Jesus and Noah
but I don't want to suffer
I don'w want to be selfish
but I've suffered enough
Do I even have the right to
complain even though I'm th
one whose had to put up with what I
have put up with
I don't want to be anyone else
They say life is unfair
I don't believe that because everyone
has to go through some terrible
thjing at some time or else how
would they learn?
Is there sucyh a thing as
learning through tenderness
with a life of ease and enjoyment?
We can teach handicapped and
mentally dificient children through
means of love and it works!
Why can't your life be like that
forever
You know I've accepted almost
everything that has happened to me
simply because that is what I
know. I know no other life than
my own. How could I not accept
my life? I certainly can't trade it in.
I've thought about undoing it
But what a terrible sin
I'm here to give to others - if I kill
myself - I'm taking away from them!
It's true I've know happy times
and I gratefully know enough
that I realize they will come
again and again
Just when, is a surprise
I could command them
but what energy it takes!
and what a fake I'd be!
They do come by themselve I velieve
to help us for being a human being
is hard, and I know we have a
purpose as persons to go through
what we got through to live and
die for the universe
I hope the universe is learning
what people learn living in it
just existing and observing