December 15, 1981

I'm so depressed and I can't take this any more. My father sent me $75.00 and my mother and Kevin are taking it away from me. She's going to send me to the psychiatrist again. I don't know what to do! No one cares about me! I can't stand this. My mother and Kevin hate my guts, they think I'm terrible. I just want to cry and I can't! What's wrong with me? I'm sleeping over Ellen's house tomorrow night. I had to ask Barbara myself. And I'm eating at Mary's maybe. Mr.s Chasan said she liked my sweater today, it has strawberries on it. Then, when I was late to homeroom she got mad, but that's okay except I had to get the attendance from Miss Kocher, and walked straight into her room right by Mrs. Chasan without saying anything. She yelled and would not give me a chance to explain. I don't care. I think I'm cracking up. My mother complains that I'm usually an affectionate person, and she can't stand me not giving her any hellos, or goodbyes, or kisses goodnight or anything. I'm mad at her and Kevin and I refuse to do anything. I'm not fucked up. I don't know what to do. My mother thinks I'm flying off the handle all the time. She and Kevin are the ones who keep complaining about me. If I don't get my hair done on Saturday, I'll be so upset that I won't take care of my own hair! Camile's solo was so awful. I swear to God. She sang flat, with absolutely no expression, and she was full of air! She was so bad. I think Miss Prudon knew it, but I don't know why she still let Camile sing it. I know I could have sung so much better! But that's okay. I'm under so much pressure now. I hate Kevin and my mother. They are mean and cruel people. I'm upset! I don't even feel like giving out cards! I want my hair done.

Before I was in math, now I'm in English class. Mrs. Chasan siad, "Tricisa are you alright?" while we were waiting for everyone to come in. She is being really nice to me. Beofre, she met me in the hall and asked me if I was mad at her. I'm not of course! She was real nice to me, and lookedinto my eye with much sincerity, pinched my cheek and said, "That's okay Tricia, we understand eacho ther, I know." I said, "Yeah, I just had to get the attendance from Miss Kocher." Mrs. Chasan said, "You gave me such a look before, I thought you were mad." I said, "No, I swear." Anyway, she said "I know just how you feel, I feel the same way, tired, heachache."I said, Well there's nothing physically wrong with me, it's emotional." Sh said, "Oh, if you want to talk, I'll be in the library." I didn't talk. I really couldn't. I can't expres the way I feel. I don't even know how I feel. I know I feel emotionaless and full of crap and no affection. I can't take the way I feel. I called Lelia and I must remember to mail her the stuff. I'm so depressed. A year ago today I was kicked out of school for being sick. My mother came to Barbara's to pick me up and I stayed home the next day.