November 14, 1981

Dear Notebook,

Today is Ray's 18th birthday! Wow, it's been so long since we've talked to each other. We haven't been close like we were for 6 weeks a few months ago. That's OK, we're both into our own thing. I'm afraid no one has time for me anymore. Again I feel so lonely. I don't know what to do! Constantly, I'm thinking about a sister. How I would absolutely adore her! I need a companion so badly. I wish my mother hadn't aborted her fetus in '69. He or she ould be going on 13! Oh I'm so lonely.

Before it was nice outside. Now it's rather gloomy. I should be doing homework soon. I will write to Amy Nixon and Ali one day soon, and I must read The Scarlet Letter. I can't wait! I'll read that in Vermont.

I'm so upset! My mother has given up on me with the weight clionic. All those hundreds of dollars wasted! I've disappointed her so much! I hate my fat body! I hate myself. Mrs. DeWitt was disappointed about the C I got in math. I'm just all around upset with my report card also:

1. 1 A
2. 2 A-'s
3. 2 B+'s
4. 1 B
5. 1 C

I don't understand Mrs. Chasan. She really gets me upset sometimes very much. I think I have got to stay away from her. I'm having so much trouble writing that thing for the contest. Mrs. Chasan will be so angry with me if I quit. But I can't write! The words from my feelings aren't flowing! I guess I shouldn't just quit. I can't do things like that in my life, and also it will look good on my record. Oh, what difficulty and problems I have with myself. Everything is hard. Nothing is easy.

Maria is having a tough adolescence. She looks up to me as a big sister. That is so wonderful. I've got to work out my own problems.

In glee club on Thursday, Miss Prudon made me sing in front of all of the glee club. That was the first time I had ever done such a thing. I might get a solo.

My hair is getting very long. I love it! My hair really is beautiful sometimes.

I'm getting pretty decent on the piano although my rhythm is shot.

I don't quite know if I should stay away from Mrs. Chasan. I sometimes honestly think that she is trying to hurt me in some way, whether it be my grade (which she goofed up again for about the 3rd or 4th time) or my friendship with Ellen (GOD FORBID IT!) or if she's toying with my mind to screw me up. She is not very compassionate with me, and I need someone to be. Barbara isn't around. Ellen and Maria care about me, Melissa and Mary, and Heidi and Camile and Michelle and Mitra and Donna will help me. They're all wonderful people. I hope I know them when they are adults. It's amazing how we'll all change! But anyway, I'll lay off Mrs. Chasan a while. I don't want to get hurt by anyone anymore!

Last night I saw Body Heat at the Maplewood with Elaine. It was good. Tuesday, Elaine and I went out and I had the best time. I talked to her like we've never talked before! I think we learned a lot about each other.

I still haven't seen Kim yet! I better see her soon or else I'll take it personally. You see, her car is broken, but her Dad's a car mechanic so he can fix it real soon. How wonderful!

I don't understand Mrs. Chasan. She opens herself up to hurt. Why? I wonder if that is why she is friends with Amy? Amy is not that nice. I wondered how Mrs. Chasan could be her friend. She doesn't seem like a compassionate enough person to help Amy is she has problems. And I wondered simply how they could be friends. What are they like?

I wonder if I sent that long letter, full of feeling to Amy if she would write back voluntarily and inevitably with feeling. And I wonder if Mrs. Chasan would write me including her feelings and not just daily events. If she didn't write with feeling, then what would I care? That is what is important! Feeling.

Maybe. I've totally mistaken Mrs. Chasan. Maybe she can just put on a real good act. She loves gossip. I wonder if her mother is a sweetheart! Her mother has to be.