May 4, 1982

7:29 A.M. TUEDAY MORNING – MELISSA’S 17^th BIRTHDAY, BARBARA’S 44^th BIRTHDAY

To continue my story from where I left off. I got up and went to the bathroom, down in the locker room, taking my visine and breathe spray. I was a bit dizzy from putting my head down, but I could now tell that I was a bit closer to coming to the belief of being in my surroundings. (I was coming down and I figured to myself that no one could accuse me of anything at this point). It was soon time to leave for the next period, English. In that class, I was quiet, rarely looked up, and partly reading other than what was being discussed. After class, I asked her if I could have my “Witchcraft Hysteria” booklet back, and we decided that I come in later for it. Then I had music, where I followed very nicely, the whole first movement of Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet. Then we just listened to Brahm’s fourth symphony, fourth movement, and Mousorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition. After that Chemistry. I remained the same. (I don’t think I want to say anything about that class because it upsets me too much). 5^th period, Spanish, no big deal, then lunch, then sitting about outside with my friends. Going to History, then 7^th with Michelle to mix paint and walking in late for Math, 8^th period. Off to paint from 3 to 4:00 P.M. Looking for Mrs. C. after school, she went home. Getting books. Going to get my dinner at Hubbard’s Cupboard. Doing work for Miss Prudon, then hanging out with Camile and Melissa. Rehearsal. Home to Maria’s, where I started page 13. Now it’s the next morning at Maria’s. Today is Field Day. I have to stay after and paint and probably get a headache. I have a bad stomach right now, as it is. Then, to my psychiatrist and with my mother to get black stockings. Come home – pack for Maria’s again, do Chemistry, Math, Music, English and try and be nice to mother. Then it’s the next day again, rehearsal, maybe paint, school. Ugh! This week I should think about publicity and my term paper. My weekend was really lousy. Let me tell you about it. I had a migraine Friday night and woke up on the verge of tears about Thomas. I became worried and called Mrs. Hoffman, and then the hospital, and finally him. He was going to get a 3-pint blood transfusion that night. The next morning, mother wakes me up at 5:30 A.M. I’m late getting out of the house and my mother asked if I had an admission ticket. I didn’t because she took it from me before I could ever read it. Had a fight over that – I was right. In car, fighting. Get to Pingry – lonely and take out book. Suzie comes. SAT’s were hard. Camile and I walk to Shor’s and meet Craig. J., and old school buddy. Got a ride to Ellen’s from Camile’s mother. Talked with Ellen, had lunch, then went cruising with Ray and Ellen. Came back, watched a child psychology show and went home. Sat home on my Saturday night and wrote. Fell asleep, woke up at 12:00 and missed an hour of Helter Skelter. Next morning, rested and cleaned. Took a shower and met Elaine at the park. Before that, had another argument with Pat. At the park I talked to Elaine, we went for subs, I let her read the Washington excerpts of my previous notebook. At 4:00, we went to the market place with mother for a skirt buy couldn’t find one. After, had Carvel, and Elaine and I walked home. Elaine left, and I called Maria. Had to get off though because Kevin’s friend called. I asked my mother if we could go get subs. On the way, we had another really bad fight. I really got hurt. Came back, called Maria. She was in the shower. Went for a walk, depressed. Came back, spoke to Maria until my mother forced me off the phone. Went to my room, unhappy and tired. I asked her to set my hair. She told me to put on my nightgown first. I complied with her wishes, then went to bed leaving all I had to do for 5:00 A.M. next, when my alarm would ring. I lay in bed and did everything at the last minute. Then I took myself outside and did what I had planned to do before going to school. I must say, it is neat to walk around school, not worrying about anything, in a daze, nothing bother me or fazes me. I don’t care if anyone makes fun of me. I just don’t care. When I’m high, I’m just living, existing, but I do feel dizzy and my muscles are so weak, and smoke is just caught in my lungs. It does scare me still, a bit. I am still new at getting high, like I was worried I would. So why did I tell you all this? I don’t know. I was so depressed all weekend. Yesterday I forgot about everything with pot. Now I feel fine. So is that why my peers smoke? Well, I can only tell you how I feel about it.