May 22, 1982
8:50 A.M. SATURDAY WATCHING SMURF’S
Why I bother to write all that, I don’t know – just like to keep very meticulous records I guess. You’d never know that though because I haven’t written in my book in so long. The only problem with that is the fear that I’ll never resume again, but alas, I am resuming just to tell you one thing – or two if I can. But there really has been a lot you’ve missed about me, even though these past two weeks you’ve been with me. This may sound stupid to you, but in all seriousness, I think I may have PMS (premenstrual syndrome). I have my period now, but starting last Friday night or during the day, I became depressed. Now, you know as well as I that my moods aren’t the best. I’m very unpredictable. Anything can set me off. But two times this past week my moods were making me go nuts. There is only so much I know about PMS and my body. But I know now for sure that the week before my period and during it, my body just refuses to take care of me and I have to make concessions to its states. I am a fat person. I must lose weight. Last night I have to go home early from Elaine’s because I had the worst cramps. They were really bad. And cramps really do hurt! Plus, I’ve been very sick since Thursday. Anything I eat is giving me a bad, painful stomachache and is going right through me. I’ve been on the toilet a lot. And twice so far this morning. I’m really sick! I can’t believe this. I wonder if it is just a stomach virus? But I’ve got to take care of myself starting now until forever, because I can’t have this happening at Maria’s house. I’d be so embarrassed! I think I’m going to buy myself some midol or something and hide it. I’ve never used the stuff but I can’t stand pain. Last night I took 5 aspirin and crawled right into bed. I curled myself around the heating pad which I pressed against my stomach and lower where the muscles contract. Gee, I help so helpless. I felt like Jane in “Why Jane can’t go swimming.” That’s from a skit on Saturday Night Live. I always thought it was very funny. I use tampons. I wouldn’t use anything else. But I could swear that they can just hurt more because the muscles holding it in place are also doing work and can contract. And I was thinking about IUD’s and I bet they make things worse for sure. You see, this usually doesn’t happen to me but God when it does, it isn’t pleasant. Poor Camile! A heating pad may be the best thing to keep the muscles warm so they aren’t so cruel. And also, not worrying about anything, would probably ease the cramps. Last night Elaine and I smoked half a joint of gold and I tell you, that made me so high! Now, I don’t know if it was my state of mind or if it was the stuff, but I’d bet it was the stuff. She got an ounce of it and I’m getting about 15 joints for junior/senior day. Wait til they try my pot! She wanted to finish it later, but I just couldn’t’. I love, love, love to be high and to be drunk, but only when I can do so in isolation. But I just wonder if the pain would have gone away by smoking. I’m so sick now that I wonder if God is punishing me. I have just a few days to write a term paper now. If I remain as ill as I am, I don’t think I’ll be in school. My stomach is absolutely exploding on me! I have my recital today which I wonder if I will be able to go to. I mean it. If I have to run to the bathroom while I’m singing or playing or while someone else is singing or playing, then I’m in trouble! I think I truly, truly have a severe case of diarrhea. Not only that my stomachache is paining me a great deal. It’s like those hunger pains I had last year, but they’re not hunger pains, they’re an empty, piercing pain, like an ulcer, I’d imagine. I think it’s the food I eat that’s killing me. This isn’t an isolated incident. The going nuts (emotional) and the pain (physical), is either PMS or the food I eat or both, or my period, but I don’t honestly think this is an isolated incident. I don’t know when this is going to stop either because I am very, very sick for a change. In any case, I want to see Elaine tomorrow to roll her pot. Last night, I rolled two joints and I swear, I did the best job! Those are my second time.
8:45 P.M.
I did go to my recital. I made mistakes on my Lizst and on my Strauss. I started the piece wrong so I started it again. It was interesting. I was the second person to perform, and the first singer. After I sang my recitative and aria by Handel from Messiah, Miss Prudon told me it was absolutely beautiful. Daniel told me later that it brought a tear to his eye and that he didn’t know I could sing so well. He meant it too because he is always mean to me and he even put his hand on my arm when he said that. I got good applause too, after my first song. Then Miss Prudon said before my second song, “This is your song, Patricia, sing it!” That was really nice of her. I’ve mentioned that song in my English book and my previous notebook. It’s called I Can See It by the Fantastiks. I’d like to see that one day.
Why I bother to write all that, I don’t know – just like to keep very meticulous records I guess. You’d never know that though because I haven’t written in my book in so long. The only problem with that is the fear that I’ll never resume again, but alas, I am resuming just to tell you one thing – or two if I can. But there really has been a lot you’ve missed about me, even though these past two weeks you’ve been with me. This may sound stupid to you, but in all seriousness, I think I may have PMS (premenstrual syndrome). I have my period now, but starting last Friday night or during the day, I became depressed. Now, you know as well as I that my moods aren’t the best. I’m very unpredictable. Anything can set me off. But two times this past week my moods were making me go nuts. There is only so much I know about PMS and my body. But I know now for sure that the week before my period and during it, my body just refuses to take care of me and I have to make concessions to its states. I am a fat person. I must lose weight. Last night I have to go home early from Elaine’s because I had the worst cramps. They were really bad. And cramps really do hurt! Plus, I’ve been very sick since Thursday. Anything I eat is giving me a bad, painful stomachache and is going right through me. I’ve been on the toilet a lot. And twice so far this morning. I’m really sick! I can’t believe this. I wonder if it is just a stomach virus? But I’ve got to take care of myself starting now until forever, because I can’t have this happening at Maria’s house. I’d be so embarrassed! I think I’m going to buy myself some midol or something and hide it. I’ve never used the stuff but I can’t stand pain. Last night I took 5 aspirin and crawled right into bed. I curled myself around the heating pad which I pressed against my stomach and lower where the muscles contract. Gee, I help so helpless. I felt like Jane in “Why Jane can’t go swimming.” That’s from a skit on Saturday Night Live. I always thought it was very funny. I use tampons. I wouldn’t use anything else. But I could swear that they can just hurt more because the muscles holding it in place are also doing work and can contract. And I was thinking about IUD’s and I bet they make things worse for sure. You see, this usually doesn’t happen to me but God when it does, it isn’t pleasant. Poor Camile! A heating pad may be the best thing to keep the muscles warm so they aren’t so cruel. And also, not worrying about anything, would probably ease the cramps. Last night Elaine and I smoked half a joint of gold and I tell you, that made me so high! Now, I don’t know if it was my state of mind or if it was the stuff, but I’d bet it was the stuff. She got an ounce of it and I’m getting about 15 joints for junior/senior day. Wait til they try my pot! She wanted to finish it later, but I just couldn’t’. I love, love, love to be high and to be drunk, but only when I can do so in isolation. But I just wonder if the pain would have gone away by smoking. I’m so sick now that I wonder if God is punishing me. I have just a few days to write a term paper now. If I remain as ill as I am, I don’t think I’ll be in school. My stomach is absolutely exploding on me! I have my recital today which I wonder if I will be able to go to. I mean it. If I have to run to the bathroom while I’m singing or playing or while someone else is singing or playing, then I’m in trouble! I think I truly, truly have a severe case of diarrhea. Not only that my stomachache is paining me a great deal. It’s like those hunger pains I had last year, but they’re not hunger pains, they’re an empty, piercing pain, like an ulcer, I’d imagine. I think it’s the food I eat that’s killing me. This isn’t an isolated incident. The going nuts (emotional) and the pain (physical), is either PMS or the food I eat or both, or my period, but I don’t honestly think this is an isolated incident. I don’t know when this is going to stop either because I am very, very sick for a change. In any case, I want to see Elaine tomorrow to roll her pot. Last night, I rolled two joints and I swear, I did the best job! Those are my second time.
8:45 P.M.
I did go to my recital. I made mistakes on my Lizst and on my Strauss. I started the piece wrong so I started it again. It was interesting. I was the second person to perform, and the first singer. After I sang my recitative and aria by Handel from Messiah, Miss Prudon told me it was absolutely beautiful. Daniel told me later that it brought a tear to his eye and that he didn’t know I could sing so well. He meant it too because he is always mean to me and he even put his hand on my arm when he said that. I got good applause too, after my first song. Then Miss Prudon said before my second song, “This is your song, Patricia, sing it!” That was really nice of her. I’ve mentioned that song in my English book and my previous notebook. It’s called I Can See It by the Fantastiks. I’d like to see that one day.
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 4:35 AM
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