Sometime in May

I am very worried. Saturday night I was going crazy. I had nightmares about whether or not I was coming back to Vail-Deane. I had visions of fainting and going hysterical if I found out Vail-Deane didn’t want me. I was going to go into a deep, deep, DEEP depression and kill myself for sure. I couldn’t wait to talk to Mr. Scoz and I was so so nervous! When I did see him, he wasn’t very receptive to my polite, tired and vulnerable frame of mind as I stood in his office, almost apologetically for even bothering him for my selfish inquiry. I asked him if I was coming back to Vail-Deane next year – no beating around the bush. He answered ever so matter-of-factly “Well, that all depends on the financial arrangement we can make with your mother” (I feel so guilty about writing this). As far as I’m concerned, I don’t care about that. I’m coming back! I asked him, “then as far as the school is concerned, they want me back.” And with my insight, I’m assuming Mr. Scoz isn’t happy about that. He said, assuringly, “unless you do something strange in the next three weeks.” God, the way I feel about coming back to V.D. is so extremely strong that I’d never do anything to jeopardize it!

Now, I’ve just got to pull up my math and science grades! The term paper doesn’t even matter but it will help my history grade.

Spanish – no problem

Music – study for test

English – study for test

History – work hard on term paper

Math

Science – Study!

This is all I have to do!

I swear I will commit suicide if I don’t come back! I swear to God! I’ll be so depressed. I will definitely turn into a vegetable. Nothing will be able to help me. My mother will have to put me into a hospital because I will refuse to do anything for myself! I will REFUSE. I want to graduate from Vail-Deane and that’s final! Otherwise good-bye world. V.D. has had a lot to do with my development – not my mental illness but my development. My mother is my illness.