May 1, 1982

7:35 A.M. – SATURDAY – SITTING IN FRONT OF PINGRY

Ellen isn’t coming back to Vail-Deane next year. I’m taking SAT’s this morning. I don’t care much for them. Ellen isn’t going to be here. I am going to her house when it is over. I am so depressed. I don’t know what to do any more. Can I give up? PLEASE OH PLEASE!? I will commit suicide soon if you just give me a sign. I was issued a summons for the car accident I had and I have to go to court and I will lose my license. Oh God how could you do this to me? I am in total despair now. And I have no one but my little book to confide in. Thomas is in the hospital now. I can’t handle all this. It is not easy. Plus I will have to work like a dog this summer so I can leave for Puerto Rico. I don’t want to be there alone with my father, but I may have to be alone. I can just get away from all the people I know and all my problems at home (and I have so, so many)! I don’t want them. I want to be happy. Oh, I wish I were happy. I don’t have a soul I could talk to. I must promise that I will never talk to Mrs. Chasan again. She was nice to me yesterday.

6:55 P.M.

Suzie C. came by so I stopped writing before and talked to her. I must write down what occurred between Mrs. Chasan and I yesterday. First of all, I spoke to my psychiatrist yesterday. He said, “Last year it was Barbara, this year it’s Mrs. Chas an.” I replied that these people were an obsession of mine. He agreed. And yesterday Mrs. Chasan said that if she became an obsession of mine: “a person who you want to do everything for…etc.” then that wouldn’t be healthy. She said it so astutely, yet she was still understanding. That made me happy. It is my own private problem that Mrs. Chasan is an obsession of mine. Barbara and Ellen were an obsession of mine. I wonder if I am going to have more obsessions. I really don’t know what to make of my becoming so attached to people. I told Mrs. Chasan that I was really a very lonely person and I truly believe that I am lonely. There is not a person I fell that I can talk to. In the beginning of the year, I mentioned that Mrs. Chasan would be the first person I would go to for help. I remembered writing that and the night of my car accident I called her on the telephone. When I came home that night I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing for me to do. Kevin wanted to go see the car and wanted my mother only with him. He did not want me to come along. I was terribly upset. Susan was here. She sat down on the couch and watched T.V. I didn’t want to be with her. She is practically Mrs. Chasan’s age. I really, really was in desperate need to talk to someone. Mrs. Chasan was the only person I wanted to call. That is the honest-to-God truth. I hesitated and though hard and finally I just got her number out and called. That day I had given her a little bottle of rum from Puerto Rico. When I called, she answered the phone. I asked her if she was busy. Her answer was that she was dozing off. I apologized but I had to talk to her. She asked if it was about the rum bottle. I said “no.” I was really very upset. I didn’t know how I was going to get into what I wanted to say. So Mrs. Chasan asked me what was wrong. I told her that she couldn’t tell anybody. Then I guess I told her. In about 5 minutes, my mother came back and I had to get off the phone. I didn’t want her to know who I was talking to. After my mother left, it took me a while before I could call Mrs. Chasan back again. I called her. She answered again and said she was glad that I did call her back because she didn’t want to look for my number. I was glad that she was glad. We talked. I was upset. I don’t know how long we talked. I didn’t want to come to school the next day and I didn’t want anyone to know. I was so shaken up about that. I was sorry to bother her; I really was but Mrs. Chasan said it was nice to know that someone needed them. I’m glad. I suppose that if Mrs. Chasan was mean to me, she would herself be sorry about it because I hope it’s true that maybe she might slightly enjoy being looked up to. I don’t honestly know how Mrs. Chasan feels about my affection for her. She said to me yesterday that she felt some affection for me also. I doubt she would have said this if it wasn’t true. And she assured me that we would be friends when I am an adult. Now I don’t know if she is just saying that to make me feel better or wanted. And I can’t trust that I will always feel the way I don now. I’m asking for security now, and will I be able to give it later? I better. I know that now for sure, and I have said this before, I love Mrs. Chasan very much, very, very much. I can’t help it. All I can say is that it is my absolute, utter fondness for her, and I just can’t account for it. I don’t know why exactly I am the way I am. I just know that I am a lonely person who is struggling and seeking so hard for attention. Mrs. Chasan said yesterday that I do need to got to people for help and that I want some answers. She said that I came to her for the answers and she couldn’t help me because she hasn’t experienced what I’ve experienced. That is true. She said that she wished she could help me though and said that she wished she was my psychiatrist. She asked if I was as honest with him as I was with her. I told her that I was as honest. She wanted to make sure because it was important, but I am honest. I know it. I told her that the only thing I don’t and won’t do is cry in front of him. She asked why and I gave no answer. I just think that I’d rather remain in control. She said it was important to be honest with my feelings, but if she only knew! I am so honest! Then she mentioned something about how she couldn’t tell when I was upset or not. And that something could be wrong, but I am able to cover it up and act as happy as can be, like life was beautiful and everything is okay, but inside I am just tearing apart. (I do wish my insides would just tear apart sometimes, I want acid to corrupt and sicken my insides to I can just die ever so slowly maybe within the next year). But that would be so unfair to Vail-Deane, and maybe a few people. I told Mrs. Chasan that I wished she could see me when I am happy and know that I was happy for sure, and I wished she could realize when I was upset. She said she couldn’t tell. That, what I said, I realize is a very personal thing to say to a teacher. But Mrs. Chasan was so NICE TO ME! I should leave well enough alone, and just be happy. I think I’m going to keep my mouth shut. I’m going to be quiet. I was quiet today. I was unhappy today about my license. You see, I’ve got so much to worry about. This is all so personal and strange. I’ve written so much about Mrs. Chasan. I imagine that when there is a man that I love, I will write a lot about him also. About the happy times and about when he gets me upset, if he does. You see, I have no one really to share my feelings with, no one at all! I suppose I really wish I could share my feelings with Mrs. Chasan. Last nigh when I had a migraine headache, my mother was being extremely cruel to me. She was angry about the summons I received in the mail, and for getting into bed with paint all over my clothes. She yelled loudly in my ear, and slammed my door a few times. She wasn’t treating me well at all. And all I hoped for was a sister to be there for me. I wished Mrs. Chasan could have been there, sitting on my bed, holding my hand. I was in so much pain! I just put the covers over my head and lay there like I was going to die. I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move. I closed my eyes imagining that Mrs. Chasan was there for me. Ah, well, I am such an emotionally dependent person! I can’t help myself. And this thing with the license now. If I lose it for so long, then that will make life quite difficult for me. I was regretting that I ever smoked pot today because of the other sins I’ve committed. There will be so much that I won’t be able to do! I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it and I am going to be punished for this all my life with my car insurance. I was thinking that I would live in a city where I didn’t need a car. Hopefully I would one day have a husband who would support me and my car so I could drive to school and work and drive the kids around. I hope we are wealthy. But now I think that I will smoke pot. It does alter the personality. I won’t give a shit about the car. My mother and Kevin yelled at me. My mother hurts my feelings so badly. I wish I could run to Mrs. Chasan to save me.

9:05 P.M.

In Mrs. DeWitt’s office, Mrs. Chasan asked me if the bad thoughts I have about my illegitimacy outweigh the good thoughts I have. I didn’t answer the question. I have many misgivings about that. She thinks that is has caused me problems with dealing with my identity. I don’t know.