June 9, 1982

Oh dear book, oh dear Mrs. Chasan, if only you knew how I feel right now! I feel so lonely, so empty, only because I won’t be seeing you until September. Couldn’t there have been a more sweeter goodbye? I loved coming to your house and everything, but now I’m lost. Oh God, please let these feelings go! Let them go now. Let them leave my body and my mind. They’re uncomfortable. Did I bring this on myself? They year has gone by so fast! I love her. God why? Why, why, why? I swear I don’t know. She told me that maybe I didn’t understand her yet. Oh, how crushed I was! God, please let everything fall naturally, don’t make her be fond of me is she isn’t but at least make it all easy to cope with. Make the parting gentle for me God. I couldn’t take it if I were never to see her again. I will writer her over the summer. I will sound healthy and happy. I will ask her how she is doing and say I’m sure she’s doing fine but I really hope she is. What is this all that I feel for this teacher of mine? God please tell me! I don’t understand. I could just cry now. I could have cried then, or last night, or last week when I knew I wasn’t going to be seeing her, but I didn’t. I feel that same empty way now. I am not able to let my feelings go. I’m holding on to them aren’t I? Am I not letting them go because they belong to her; pertain rather to her? They are not her feelings. They are mine that I have for her. And I’m holding it all in. Oh god. Help me. Why do I feel this way? I hate it. I hate it! I hate feeling so alone. I don’t even want to talk to the psychiatrist about it. It hurts too, too much! I don’t feel I have any friends. No one would be able to help me with this. I don’t understand my attachment to people. Of god! Please, please. I know these feelings just have to come to an end, but soon! I will have a very good summer. When I come back to school, I will look like I had a good summer too. I will be thin, tanned, long hair. I feel that is the only way now to get her attention. I wanted to say to Mrs. Chasan, “Don’t forget about me.” Oh, I don’t know if what I say and do is right at all. I was so high today. I was really in another world. I think its left over from the last two days of partying. Oh, oh, oh I wish we were friends God! Couldn’t you help me? Please? I am so fond of that woman. I love her. But why? I don’t understand it at all! I really don’t. I am not in love with her, but I truly love her. Oh, doesn’t she like me? She doesn’t understand, does she God? Oh, I love her so much. Please don’t ever let me get hurt. I know I sound like I’m talking about a boyfriend (I wish I had one), but Mrs. Chasan’s different though, and I don’t know how. I would hope like a sister, a very good friend. That is the way I described her before. Oh, this really hurts too much. She’d never understand if I told her. Never. It’s all wrong anyway. Oh, I just can’t stand this – any of it. When Mrs. Chasan is uncompassionate is when I get hurt. Because I lean on her. I do. I need to. She’s the person who my mind or God has ordered me to go to when I need attention. So, she’s the one. And I need her now, and she isn’t here. I need you Mrs. Chasan. Do you think there is something wrong with that? I’m sorry if you do. I don’t want there to be anything wrong between us. I love you. I honestly love you. I can’t believe myself though. I just can’t. Because I feel so empty, lost helpless, with no one to identify with. No sister, no human counterpart, no friend, no father, no mother. Only Harry Haller in Steppenwolf. Oh, can’t I just read my summer away and become thin, and get a tan? God, it’s from you now that I need support. Mrs. Chasan is not going to be here for me. You know, I feel angry with her, but how can I be? I’m saying I am but I feel that way. It’s an ugly feeling. I wish I had a friend to cry with. I want to cry with Mrs. Chasan. I want to! Then, I really think I would feel better. I’m so afraid to though. I’m afraid she’d back off. And she’d say so because I would be revealing some sort of emotion that she didn’t want to know about. My crying would somehow affect things. But on the other hand I can hear her saying, “its okay Tricia, I’m your friend, I’m here when you need me.” Oh god, is she? I couldn’t take it if she wasn’t. I think all summer, I’m going to have to keep thinking that way. And God, please give me the strength to be normal, and somehow let Mrs. C. know that I’m okay, and that only what I need from her is healthy, nothing bad. I don’t think needing her is so unhealthy. But I think I need her a healthy bit. Who knows though? Only the psychiatrist does. Mrs. Chasan I need you. I need your friendship, your love, patience, your understanding. That’s all. Once I know I have that, then I will forever feel secure. But I can’t tell you that, can I? No! I miss you already. I saw you less than an hour ago, but once I said good-bye, I swear I missed you. Oh, what am I going to do next year? We’re going to have to have a long, long talk. I’m going to cry for a bit. Sorry about that, but it has to come out of me. Once its out, it will be okay. I feel so much better, that I’ve let you know who I feel and then you can take it from there. I swear I can’t see these feelings just going away. I honestly can’t. God, they are too strong. I don’t know how I am going to survive the summer, but maybe I can call Mrs. Chasan right before school starts, and see her. I am going to work so, so, so hard at making senior year great, so that at graduation I can cry, cry, cry!!! I want to let everyone know how I feel about leaving! And most of all, I want her, Mrs. Chasan, to know how very, very much I am going to miss her. I hope she lets me come visit her when I come home. I really would want to. Oh, Mrs. Chasan, please don’t ever hurt me. You’ve said some very nice things to me that made me feel at times like you too were a bit fond of me, and that you cared. I will most likely have to let you know for my own sanity, if you’ve hurt me, and it will only be then that you tell me I’ve overstepped my boundaries. When I tell you you’ve hurt me, and you don’t understand, then I will know where the flaw is in our relationship as friends. I am feeling better a bit. I hope this is not a false feeling, but I will take it anyway. I don’t want to be at all depressed. It is a desperate feeling. I could just kill myself then. Mrs. Chasan it is just important for me to tell you that I need you. I think I will write her a letter at the end of June, July, and August. I am worried about if I will ever see her again. I will say please tell me if you are not coming back. I care. I want to be so beautiful when she next sees me, not for her, but for myself, only because I think she will respect me more. I want to be more mature, but I want to still love her and need her. I must keep my sanity. I truly must.