June 25, 1982

5:07 P.M. FRIDAY – IN MY LIVING ROOM

I never got to finish about yesterday and I’ve got to. Shawn came and we all left. He had to sit in the front seat with Mary and Melissa. We all drove down, drinking beer. I started on my Sangria. I showed Elaine, Melissa and Shawn my papers. They are so wild. Did I mention that I bought $4.00 worth of wild rolling paper in New York? I know I never mentioned that I went to New York City with Elaine on Wednesday. I got rainbow, leopard skin. Club (the best), strawberry mentholated, chocolate, banana, Indian cannabis and camouflage (looks like a cigarettes). They are so funny. Elaine was rolling Sheila’s cigarettes. She took them apart. She loves to roll and she rolls well. I rolled one of my broken cigarettes. I take lousy care of them as I keep them in my bag of disorganization. We had absolutely no pot at all. No one could get any. I tried and tried but couldn’t get any. I rolled Mary’s five roaches and stuck some tobacco in. We had a leopard skin joint. It was so wild. Mary wanted to save that roach to show Lynn. I gave Mary a sample of each of my papers. Sheila gave me two shot guns and she gave Melissa one also. She burnt the inside of her lips. She never felt it. The ride down is always the most exciting part of the trip for me. I think its fun first of all because I love car rides. Secondly, I’m anticipating a good time. We all are and we all sense that the excitement within each other, therefore the ride there is always great. Anyway, lots of exciting things happened on that ride down but I just can’t mention them now. We went to Jed’s house after we stopped to pee at Bob’s Big Boy on Route 37. I left Jed a not but then we met him on the street. He was disappointed we didn’t write because he had other plans. We went to the beach. Jed informed us that coolers aren’t allowed. So we packed the beers in everyone’s bag. On the beach, we went to the water. The funnest thing happened to me – that I also did. Shawn and I sucked faces! That’s where people stick their tongues in each other’s mouths. Shawn and I kept kissing. It was nothing. He kissed everybody but Mary and Melissa who got really drunk on all the white wine I brought, in the car, talked me into sucking faces. It was fun, but I knew then that one shouldn’t do that without the true passion necessary to drive one to do that because I had to wipe my mouth on the towel after. But we did it four times! That was new and exciting for me. We walked on the boardwalk. And Mary was so, so nice to me yesterday! She really was. It made me so happy. Everyone was basically nice to me. Sheila was really, really nice to me. I really hope she still likes me. Well, the day was great. I got home at eleven. Today – I did nothing. It was my last weekday of vacation. Off to Maria’s soon. Then Miami y San Juan. I can’t wait. And by the way, that pain I had last weekend and earlier is not as intense anymore but its moved to (I think), my kidneys – both sides down in my back, and a little pain when I pee, and a little blood, not my period, I know. I don’t understand it. I had a talk, a session, with my psychologist today. We talked about Mrs. Chasan. I’m trying to figure out how to find security in my relationship with her, and how to make it better. Liking Mrs. Chasan as much as I do worries me because I’m so worried and scared about ever getting hurt or her ever misunderstanding me because then she wouldn’t like me anymore and I need her attention, love, sympathy and understanding and I would miss all of that and her so very much if we could no longer be friends. Me needing her is why I love her. It would hurt just so much to lose that. Please God, help us be normal friends. Let me see, what else. I feel like writing a lot. I’ve really got to finish Mary’s letter and my book on women and depression. I’ll be so busy this summer. Tonight I’m going to see E.T. for the third time. I love that movie! I just love it. It will be the first movie I’ve seen in a movie theatre three times. Dear book, you just don’t know how much I love you. I’ve said it before. You’re paper and pen, that’s all you are. It’s the ability, the desire to transmit my thoughts and feelings to paper, that’s what I love, just to write. I wish you were real though, a person I could talk to – oh, I’m not so lonely now, I’ve been with friends a whole lot lately, but I wish there was a friend I had who I could really talk to differently than anyone I know. I wish you were Mrs. Chasan because I love my writing and I love her. Oh well. I wonder who else does have that – a person like Mrs. Chasan and a book they write in. Am I the only one? I bet I am, unless God could give me a person just like me – a sister. Anyway book, myself, God, nobody. I’ll be living very closely with Maria for six weeks, and then with Elaine for a month to six weeks. And no mother – God I better get my wish! And I hope to God I get myself in better health, no headaches, backaches, no cramps (god no cramps please – I’m going to have my period when I go to court and I’ve got to be able to deal with that), my body is just a piece of shit. I smoke, drink, eat too much – I’m terrible. Now I’m going to work, exercise, eat well, no smoke or drink. My God, I better turn out well.