June 21, 1982

10:45 P.M.

I think I’m gonna die. I have blood in my urine. I can’t even pee. And I have a lot of pain somewhere down in the area of my genitals. (Wait. Do girls have genitals? – in either case, my reproductive organs). I may like to say that I had sex for the first time and it hurt and now I’m pregnant but I’m having a prolonged miscarriage, but I’m not at all – at least I don’t think I am. I was sure drunk a lot this past week but I’m positive I didn’t do anything. Anyway, the fact that I can’t pee is killing me. I’m so fucking worried about that because it hurts! It really hurts! And I just can’t believe that I can’t pee. I had my period last week, I got it last Monday night. Tuesday, I was as sick as a dog. I was like Camile – in a lot of pain – very, very bad cramps. God, it really hurt and I swore to never eat. And I won’t, not now, because if I end up in a hospital, I don’t want to be fat in front of those doctors. Anyway, I bled for one day, that’s it! Plus, it was early. I can’t think of what brought it on but I know I’m in bad health and my nerves are just shot. So if I somehow had sex, which I didn’t, I couldn’t be pregnant, but Elaine said, with such a traumatic, exciting event, a girl can ovulate at any time, but I didn’t have sex with nobody, even though I was drunk. So what I’m getting to is that my body is a mess. I’ve been partying a lot, I’ve had a very painful period last week which incidentally lasted a day. Saturday night, after all the beer I had, I remember I didn’t have to pee. Sunday, that’s when it all started, the pain, the inability, the blood – I’m worried. I blame it on the alcohol and I feel guilty. I don’t want the doctors to tell me I’ve abused myself with drugs and alcohol because I’ll feel like a jerk. I was thinking about driving myself to the emergency room at Saint Barnabas, but I was thinking about where the pain could be coming from. If it’s a hernia or appendix, then if it ruptures, don’t I die? Then when this is read, they will all know that I did want to end my life. I don’t care, but I am worried and scared now. For a longtime I wanted to die. I wonder if this is my chance. My body and mind have taken a lot of physical and emotional abuse. I’m pretty strong but this pain – I don’t know. If they find me unconscious, then of course I’ll be rushed to the hospital and when I awake, I’ll be on the phone calling Mrs. Chasan, crying and pleading that I need her to come see me. I called her today and I’m really sorry I did. She was abrupt and got off the phone. She didn’t want to talk. Oh well. I knew I was going to call her because I was talking about her Saturday night when I was drunk and high. I’m sorry Mrs. Chasan. I still love you. I really do Mrs. Chasan – you’ll just never ever understand the psychological reasons behind it. It worries me and I’ve talked about it with my psychiatrist and my two psychologists. I think I’m okay, but in explanation to my attachment to you, its’ normal to form love bonds with people, but with me, my needs are more intense. All I need is love, understanding and sympathy. Its true, nothing really more. If you were to hate me, I’d be crushed. But you just don’t know. If you ever hurt me, you’ll know about it because I’m going to give you something written to remember me. It won’t be insulting. I don’t ever want to hurt you Mrs. Chasan – just please please don’t ever hurt me. I’m so sensitive.