July 5, 1982
MONDAY AT MARIA’S SWIMMING LESSON
I don’t feel that I expressed my true feelings that well in the above passage. Yesterday, I was very happy, very pleased to be with Maria’s family. All week, I hadn’t really. It was like, “What am I doing here?” But this is the second week now and I’ll soon get over it. I didn’t lose any weight yet. Mrs. Diaz feels so bad and I do also, for her. I feel that I’ll lose 20 lbs. while I’m here, but 30 would be truly great, that is my goal! Anyway dear diary, dear friend. Guess what is happening to me again. It came over me yesterday and I knew it was time to write. Last night those feelings of femininity came over me. I was suddenly aware of my body. Yes, I want to be thin now, feminine and gorgeous, with a boyfriend. And today, I suddenly became depressed. Mrs. Diaz was talking to me about how children shouldn’t’ be given whatever they want and then I thought afterwards about my plans with Elaine, how I want my father to pay for a ticket to Miami y San Juan y Newark. God, would he do that for me? Otherwise I have to see my father alone! I can’t afford it, otherwise I’ll pay because I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t have any money and I have to give it to my mother. Oh God, I have to make a lot of money in the next 5 weeks. Anyway, I shouldn’t have worried so much. I don’t want to. I love my mother but I have to go to Miami y San Juan. I also have to be a good girl and lose weight. And I will try to, so hard God! I will try! Mother will be proud. The Diaz’s will also. 150 pounds is my goal for now. Then in August I will lose more weight. 150 pounds. I have to keep reminding myself of that. You see, it’s easier now for me to keep that in my mind because of the awareness I received last night. That awareness is due to my period next week and you know what else? Court. Oh God, just give me the strength not to think about it. I’m not hungry either. I will lose weight this week. Next week I will starve myself because I don’t feel like explaining my water retention due to having my period to Mrs. Diaz. Okay. Jesus Christ. Premenstrual syndrome. That’s what this is. You know that already God.
I don’t feel that I expressed my true feelings that well in the above passage. Yesterday, I was very happy, very pleased to be with Maria’s family. All week, I hadn’t really. It was like, “What am I doing here?” But this is the second week now and I’ll soon get over it. I didn’t lose any weight yet. Mrs. Diaz feels so bad and I do also, for her. I feel that I’ll lose 20 lbs. while I’m here, but 30 would be truly great, that is my goal! Anyway dear diary, dear friend. Guess what is happening to me again. It came over me yesterday and I knew it was time to write. Last night those feelings of femininity came over me. I was suddenly aware of my body. Yes, I want to be thin now, feminine and gorgeous, with a boyfriend. And today, I suddenly became depressed. Mrs. Diaz was talking to me about how children shouldn’t’ be given whatever they want and then I thought afterwards about my plans with Elaine, how I want my father to pay for a ticket to Miami y San Juan y Newark. God, would he do that for me? Otherwise I have to see my father alone! I can’t afford it, otherwise I’ll pay because I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t have any money and I have to give it to my mother. Oh God, I have to make a lot of money in the next 5 weeks. Anyway, I shouldn’t have worried so much. I don’t want to. I love my mother but I have to go to Miami y San Juan. I also have to be a good girl and lose weight. And I will try to, so hard God! I will try! Mother will be proud. The Diaz’s will also. 150 pounds is my goal for now. Then in August I will lose more weight. 150 pounds. I have to keep reminding myself of that. You see, it’s easier now for me to keep that in my mind because of the awareness I received last night. That awareness is due to my period next week and you know what else? Court. Oh God, just give me the strength not to think about it. I’m not hungry either. I will lose weight this week. Next week I will starve myself because I don’t feel like explaining my water retention due to having my period to Mrs. Diaz. Okay. Jesus Christ. Premenstrual syndrome. That’s what this is. You know that already God.
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 5:56 AM
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