July 14, 1982
WEDNESDAY AFTER 10
Problems. There is so much emotion filling in this apartment that it is going to explode. I’m angry at my mother. I’ve been angry a long, long time. I need professional help for that because it does no one any good. I’ve been out of the house 2 ½ weeks. I usually come home every Thursday evening. This is Wednesday – came home yesterday for court. Never going to make it back to Maria’s house too soon at least. On the way there, I said: “Fuck you” to my mother. Shoe got out of the car and started walking home alone. I’m glad. She was stupid although what judge am I to say she wasn’t following her feelings. Anyway, she wanted Kevin to take me to Maria’s while my own and only mother, the woman I love more than anyone else in this whole world, was walking the streets. Now, I could just cry. I said it because I wanted her attention. I think I wanted her to see how angry I was at her. I was and still am very angry. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my anger. I hate her. God you know what she’s done to me all my life. I’ve done things to her? I don’t know. Is this all a prime example of a single mother and her child? Who knows but this is my life. This is all I’ve known. I’m so sad book and there is not a person I can talk to. That is myself speaking. I don’t want to discuss this with anyone. Today I had a most lovely talk with Mrs. Chasan. Mrs. Chasan! Of all people – my favorite person for now, my teacher – I spoke with her about court last night. That’s another story. She said I sounded good. I was good. I was! This anger is all unconscious. It came out. It comes out in my dreams at night. It is anguish and frustration and oh God so much HURT that I can’t keep it in anymore. My feelings are beginning to show more and more. I’ve been thinking this summer how I’m going to lay off Mrs. Chasan next year and not bother her about my petty issues – petty to her, petty sounding also – paramount to me though – needing her attention always – getting it in spurts. Her – no one else for now, Barbara last year and right now I feel something for Barbara. I might have to call someone. My mother seems like she’s going to kill herself. I’ll seek comfort from Mrs. Chasan and then its suicide surely for me also. I really can’t take any of this shit. I also have anxiety about this, that and the other thing. Money is a problem. I’m worried about it. Right now, I don’t care if I go to Rutgers. I hate Mr. Scozzafava. I hate him! He doesn’t believe in me. No one does! No one, oh God take me please take my life away now as I fight back these god forsaken tears (and I don’t know what the hell I just said). Throw me to the devil if you want because I know I will be able to handle the pain of fire and brimstone easier than the pain of a broken heart between a child and her mother. God, why must my mother and I suffer? Neither one of us was supposed to live. Do you realize that? I’ve had it. I’m going to bed now. I have so much to say. Oh God. I’m going to do something. I am going to starve myself to death. I hate – who do I hate? This is no time for my fucking philosophy. The matter is that I’m having problems – serious problems with my mother and all that it is causing inside me is just too much to handle. I never could handle it. Then she goes and gets married and what about me? Our business wasn’t finished yet! I hate everyone who opposes me. My mother opposes me. Mrs. Chasan who was an absolute dearheart today sometimes opposes me. My school does. Elaine and her mother don’t understand. The world is not against me but it is. Does my mother love me God? I can’t answer that. She doesn’t understand. I don’t know how it is supposed to be. I wish my grandparents were here to solve everything. But God – did you give me a mother who doesn’t lover her child? I love my mother! Oh I do I do I do with all I have if anything were to happen to her I’d just die. Doesn’t she know that? Yes or no? God – there is no god – it’s just a word but it means so much. That word God means so much. Mother also means a lot. Child will mean a lot to me when and I if ever have one. If I live to see the day. I probably won’t. Bye book. Book means a lot. I talk shit. I hate her.
Problems. There is so much emotion filling in this apartment that it is going to explode. I’m angry at my mother. I’ve been angry a long, long time. I need professional help for that because it does no one any good. I’ve been out of the house 2 ½ weeks. I usually come home every Thursday evening. This is Wednesday – came home yesterday for court. Never going to make it back to Maria’s house too soon at least. On the way there, I said: “Fuck you” to my mother. Shoe got out of the car and started walking home alone. I’m glad. She was stupid although what judge am I to say she wasn’t following her feelings. Anyway, she wanted Kevin to take me to Maria’s while my own and only mother, the woman I love more than anyone else in this whole world, was walking the streets. Now, I could just cry. I said it because I wanted her attention. I think I wanted her to see how angry I was at her. I was and still am very angry. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my anger. I hate her. God you know what she’s done to me all my life. I’ve done things to her? I don’t know. Is this all a prime example of a single mother and her child? Who knows but this is my life. This is all I’ve known. I’m so sad book and there is not a person I can talk to. That is myself speaking. I don’t want to discuss this with anyone. Today I had a most lovely talk with Mrs. Chasan. Mrs. Chasan! Of all people – my favorite person for now, my teacher – I spoke with her about court last night. That’s another story. She said I sounded good. I was good. I was! This anger is all unconscious. It came out. It comes out in my dreams at night. It is anguish and frustration and oh God so much HURT that I can’t keep it in anymore. My feelings are beginning to show more and more. I’ve been thinking this summer how I’m going to lay off Mrs. Chasan next year and not bother her about my petty issues – petty to her, petty sounding also – paramount to me though – needing her attention always – getting it in spurts. Her – no one else for now, Barbara last year and right now I feel something for Barbara. I might have to call someone. My mother seems like she’s going to kill herself. I’ll seek comfort from Mrs. Chasan and then its suicide surely for me also. I really can’t take any of this shit. I also have anxiety about this, that and the other thing. Money is a problem. I’m worried about it. Right now, I don’t care if I go to Rutgers. I hate Mr. Scozzafava. I hate him! He doesn’t believe in me. No one does! No one, oh God take me please take my life away now as I fight back these god forsaken tears (and I don’t know what the hell I just said). Throw me to the devil if you want because I know I will be able to handle the pain of fire and brimstone easier than the pain of a broken heart between a child and her mother. God, why must my mother and I suffer? Neither one of us was supposed to live. Do you realize that? I’ve had it. I’m going to bed now. I have so much to say. Oh God. I’m going to do something. I am going to starve myself to death. I hate – who do I hate? This is no time for my fucking philosophy. The matter is that I’m having problems – serious problems with my mother and all that it is causing inside me is just too much to handle. I never could handle it. Then she goes and gets married and what about me? Our business wasn’t finished yet! I hate everyone who opposes me. My mother opposes me. Mrs. Chasan who was an absolute dearheart today sometimes opposes me. My school does. Elaine and her mother don’t understand. The world is not against me but it is. Does my mother love me God? I can’t answer that. She doesn’t understand. I don’t know how it is supposed to be. I wish my grandparents were here to solve everything. But God – did you give me a mother who doesn’t lover her child? I love my mother! Oh I do I do I do with all I have if anything were to happen to her I’d just die. Doesn’t she know that? Yes or no? God – there is no god – it’s just a word but it means so much. That word God means so much. Mother also means a lot. Child will mean a lot to me when and I if ever have one. If I live to see the day. I probably won’t. Bye book. Book means a lot. I talk shit. I hate her.
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 5:16 AM
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