Thursday, September 21, 2006

August 18, 1982

2:30 P.M.

Today I just couldn’t take the sun any longer and came home at 12:30 with hunger pains also. Tomorrow I am not going to put on any sun protection. I should be much much darker than I am by now. I only read 30 pages of Steppenwolf and I did want to finish it. Last night, when I was fast asleep, father rings the doorbell, expecting me to wake up for him. Well, that’s just what I did, and with such a headache! He invited me to cake and milk though. But I couldn’t get to sleep at all afterwards. I woke up fine though. My dreams I am remembering and they are really nice. They are long and very involved. Last night I had a dream I was out with Mary and Melissa and we were having a lot of fun. It was nice. All my dreams have been sort of strange lately. They are dreams that I just know I wouldn’t have at home. Father also said last night, over cake, that maybe he could give me $25.00 spending money. I’ll believe it when it’s in my pocketbook. This afternoon I looked at cartoons of my father’s. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll look at the rest. He wants to go over them with me but I’m too terrible and impatient. I am getting so bored! I want to go home. Even there, I am not a habitual sunner. Here I’m forced to be, or sit in my bedroom, or on the balcony. It’s getting ridiculous. I can’t read in the sun because the glare gives me a headache. It’s a strain on the eyes. Oh, listen to me! I don’t know what my problem is. I really think I just want to go home. I’m not happy here!

10:15 P.M.

I received a letter from my mother tonight. I wanted to save it for when I was totally alone. This is the first letter that my mother has sent me while I’m here. I remember the first letter I received at camp from her. It was Saturday, July 5, 1975. When my favorite counselor Cathy handed me that letter, I choked my excited feelings and tears. I read it with so much enthusiasm and ran back to the cabin after lunch and cried so hard out of sheer and utter happiness. I remember some of the contents of that letter which I never saved. Mother mentioned how the cats were running all over the house, disturbing the furniture. I used that as my argument to justify my crying to a counselor, saying I feared my mother would rid our family of the pets altogether. At the age of ten I couldn’t express the fact that my tears were happy and excited tears. Anyway, tonight I informed father of my early plans to leave. He made a move to hug me but I immediately backed off from him. I hope he’s not hurt by that honest and pitying action of mine. You know I can’t help being that way with father. He was very disappointed at my decision to leave so soon, but the thought elated me. Then I decided to read my mother’s letter. One of the many things she mentioned was advising me to stay. Now I would like to please both mother and father but I won’t be happy. I didn’t want to handle this problem on my own so that is why I’m writing now. I think I will stay, much to my own chagrin. Mother wants me to come home beautiful and I’m far from it and I would so much like to make her happy in that way. I simply must stop eating! Now I must go to bed so I can tell father that I changed my mind. Oh, God help me! I was so soon going home!

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