August 14, 1982

4:00 P.M.

I don’t think I’m going to make it although I still have to give this whole thing more of a chance. I am depressed today. It’s Saturday so father is home. Father plays soccer on Saturdays so he invited me to accompany him there, where there is also a beach. But soccer was cancelled there so we left. As it is late now I decided not to go to the beach at all. So I have spent my entire day in the house. Father is angry with me because I am not communicative. I can’t help it! I guess that means I really should go back home. Father really doesn’t seem to be getting any pleasure out of me in the least nor I from him. You see, I am here because I’ve chosen to run away from home for a while, but nothing is going to work this way for anybody. I am so depressed right now about being alive that I want to go home, never come near my father again, and just be depressed at home. I really can’t see him and my mother together. Maybe this is normal and exactly what I would have experienced if we had all had a normal life together. But he seems like such a stranger to me and I am hating him. I think I want to go home because I will never love him. I am so hurt. But I cannot verbalize it. He is not really acting in a loving manner, nor I to him. I think I miss my mother. I love her so much.