August 13, 1982
8:45 P.M.
I have so much to say this time. Last night father and I did go to the movies. Afterwards we had a long discussion over our views of spiritualism and materialism. We are both spiritualists. He tells me his mother is also. I have never met or seen my grandmother. I would like to but my mother says she’s a witch and that she hates me because I am an illegitimate child. She also hates my mother. Oh well. It is all very sad and is old news anyway. Father is proud that I am not a part of bourgeois society. He also enjoyed Siddhartha! I understand that I am very much like father. It’s really amazing. I never spent any substantial amount of time with him in my life but here are two related people who are so much alike. I am very much like mother also, for sure. Tonight I wanted to listen to a tape my father, mother and I made Christmas Day, right before I was three. Of course it was very interesting for me, but it made me very, very sad. My father left the country when I was just four, so anything between the three of us was probably nothing too special, since he left, it was probably painful. I hate to sound “mushy” but mother was very hurt by the whole thing. The whole thing hurts me now. Even though today was basically a fine day. I feel like I can’t stay away from mother for too much longer. I have never ever been away from her for this long. I can’t help but think she doesn’t love me but if I go home, it will be for her sake alone. There is too much unhappiness here. I can’t torture myself by staying with someone who everyday instigates pity in me I feel sorry for him even though he isn’t my favorite person. I am here because he is going to take a shot at starting a relationship with me. But with all I’ve experience in my life, I don’t think I can allow that. I am not an easy person to get along with. I am a rather difficult person and “father” is not really a word in my vocabulary. I am so confused! God, I’m so confused! – about so many things having to do with my whole being. My mother tells me I’m her life and she is my life. I mean that. It has just been Pat and Patricia all my life until she got married. But what about the sperm? I’m so confused. But then again I really shouldn’t be. After all, there are so many people in this world who were probably never meant to be born, so what makes me so special? I think what bothers me is that there are people who couldn’t care less about me, like my family in Argentina. Do you believe that I actually have family in South America and probably in Spain and France also? I surely don’t. Arturo’s bastard child is probably hush hush all around where he is concerned. But everybody knows that Pat has a daughter. How strange not to have a father though. You see, I can’t identify with myself or with anybody. I am suffering with some stupid emotional attack now. I need to know that I have my mother’s love. If I don’t, then I want not to live at all.
I have so much to say this time. Last night father and I did go to the movies. Afterwards we had a long discussion over our views of spiritualism and materialism. We are both spiritualists. He tells me his mother is also. I have never met or seen my grandmother. I would like to but my mother says she’s a witch and that she hates me because I am an illegitimate child. She also hates my mother. Oh well. It is all very sad and is old news anyway. Father is proud that I am not a part of bourgeois society. He also enjoyed Siddhartha! I understand that I am very much like father. It’s really amazing. I never spent any substantial amount of time with him in my life but here are two related people who are so much alike. I am very much like mother also, for sure. Tonight I wanted to listen to a tape my father, mother and I made Christmas Day, right before I was three. Of course it was very interesting for me, but it made me very, very sad. My father left the country when I was just four, so anything between the three of us was probably nothing too special, since he left, it was probably painful. I hate to sound “mushy” but mother was very hurt by the whole thing. The whole thing hurts me now. Even though today was basically a fine day. I feel like I can’t stay away from mother for too much longer. I have never ever been away from her for this long. I can’t help but think she doesn’t love me but if I go home, it will be for her sake alone. There is too much unhappiness here. I can’t torture myself by staying with someone who everyday instigates pity in me I feel sorry for him even though he isn’t my favorite person. I am here because he is going to take a shot at starting a relationship with me. But with all I’ve experience in my life, I don’t think I can allow that. I am not an easy person to get along with. I am a rather difficult person and “father” is not really a word in my vocabulary. I am so confused! God, I’m so confused! – about so many things having to do with my whole being. My mother tells me I’m her life and she is my life. I mean that. It has just been Pat and Patricia all my life until she got married. But what about the sperm? I’m so confused. But then again I really shouldn’t be. After all, there are so many people in this world who were probably never meant to be born, so what makes me so special? I think what bothers me is that there are people who couldn’t care less about me, like my family in Argentina. Do you believe that I actually have family in South America and probably in Spain and France also? I surely don’t. Arturo’s bastard child is probably hush hush all around where he is concerned. But everybody knows that Pat has a daughter. How strange not to have a father though. You see, I can’t identify with myself or with anybody. I am suffering with some stupid emotional attack now. I need to know that I have my mother’s love. If I don’t, then I want not to live at all.
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 4:50 AM
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