April 30, 1982

8:25 A.M. HOMEROOM – FRIDAY MORNING

Oh, it surely is a cold, cruel world. It surely is God. Thomas is going to be all right, isn’t he? Oh please, please God. Don’t hurt others. You know what I’ll let you do? I’ll let you put it all on me. Okay? You do a lot of that. (But then I’d be getting attention, wouldn’t I)? Don’t hurt poor, weak, little Thomas. He is too valuable a human being! How could you put him in the hospital! I’m really fed up with you, GOD!

12:57 – STUDY HALL – FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Oh dear book, I’m really depressed. I suppose I am just tired and I do have a headache. Maybe I am not depressed because Mrs. Chasan was nice to me. We were into a lengthy discussion over my illegitimacy. She told me to stop by and see her later. I asked if we were done and she said that we’d never be done. Probably true, knowing me. I had to tell her that my mother asks that she never mention the fact that I am an illegitimate child. I didn’t want to give Mrs. Chasan the message. I came into her room after English, which was right before lunch. Checked to see no one was there and said very reluctantly what I had to say. She said, “O.K.” And I said the same thing and proceeded out of the room. I didn’t want to deliver this message. Actually, it wasn’t a delivery; my mother had me feel like it was my duty to do this since I have already hurt my mother. I could have lied again, but I chose not to. But Mrs. Chasan called me back and asked, “Why?” I think I said that my mother was kind of upset. We went on talking. I messed things up. Things came out of my mouth that I don’t want to, then I’ll stop my verbiage, or cover it up with more verbiage, and then by that time, there is nobody who can decipher what I am saying. I really did have a lot of difficulty with our conversation. Maybe it is true. Maybe Mrs. Chasan really does like me as much as she tells me. But she couldn’t understand what I was saying. I think I understood only a few of her words. Well, even if the conversation never does get finished, then I suppose… (NEVER MIND – I JUST CAN’T THINK CLEARLY). I’m just going to go to Mrs. Chasan later and apologize for the nasty thing I said to her yesterday. I’m also going to apologize for attaching myself to her. It is immature. I’ve got to learn to keep things in perspective. Mrs. Chasan, I remember, said a few things to me today. I was a beautiful girl, I have a terrific life, if I am angry I should get it out, I shouldn’t wait until “one day,” and that she also liked me very much but we have to be discrete. (1:17 P.M.)

2:35 P.M.

At the point where I was writing (“be discrete” from above), Mrs. Chasan walked into the room and caught me alone and writing. She walked over to the desk I was sitting at. I told her to wait, while I finished my two last words. Then she said to come on because I had a meeting. I was confused because I didn’t know she was coming also. We walked down together. She told me to have a seat when we got into Mrs. DeWitt’s office. Mrs. Chasan had asked Mrs. DeWitt is she could attend our meeting. I’m glad she cared so much.