April 29, 1982

8:40 A.M. THURSDAY MORNING

Today is Woody’s 42^nd birthday, and it is also Mrs. Chasan’s 30^th birthday, and it also marks the 2 year anniversary of Alfred Hitchcock’s death. I’m sitting in math class now, but all I want to do is write in here. I shouldn’t be doing this at all, especially since nothing really spontaneous is coming out now. I can write about how I have know Woody since she was 32 (1972), and I can also mention that I have known Mrs. Chasan since she was 25 (1978), and I have never known Alfred Hitchcock. Woody has known me since I was 7. Mrs. Chasan has known me since I was 13, and Alfred Hitchcock has never known me.

9:20 HISTORY

Melissa has taken my other pen to sign Mrs. Chasan’s birthday card. We are having a surprise birthday party for her. We had one last year too; mentioned in my first “uncensored documents.” I left a note on her desk, a messy one, saying “HAVE A NICE DAY! HOW’S IT GOING SO FAR? SEE YOU SIXTH.” She had the seniors first period, in the reception room. I was thinking to keep a detailed record of my day on her 30^th birthday. I still remember celebrating my mother’s 30^th birthday. It was really sad. It would be interesting to see how much I can account for Mrs. Chasan on her birthday. Probably not much, but it would be interesting to try.

9:35 A.M.

I’ve been listening to Mr. Ambrose. I really should pay close attention, but I don’t like History. I do wish that I do though. I’m writing in two books now, too: history notebook and this notebook. Oh – there is just so much to write about! But I suppose I can’t keep on writing. I must live out there, and then come back and write. I’m probably blind only because I just love the idea of starting a new notebook. The other one is the best on I have ever written. Minja is reading it now. I want this book to be good also. I hope I always, always write because I love it so. I find myself interesting. You will learn more about me when I write other things. Getting started just isn’t good for me. What I do wrong with starting new notebooks is that I get so excited about writing in them that I jump right into it. I don’t wait until thoughts come thrashing through. I also like this book because it is so sturdy and the lines are smaller. This is my fifth book, and I hope that it is even better than the last one. I think recording the times doesn’t hinder the follow of the pen’s words. I think it makes sense out of my thoughts. Come to think of it. I should never record the times I finish a though, but would have to make myself super-compulsive to do that (9:50 A.M.)

9:50 A.M.

I bet I couldn’t write a whole book without mentioned a thing about Mrs. Chasan. I’m sure though that when I am 30, Mrs. Chasan’s name may not come up too often. I just love my teacher. That’s all. When I am 70 and very sophisticated, I will always remember how innocent I was. (I hope Mr. Chasan, at 83, is married, healthy and happy). I guess it is not all that weird to love and be so utterly fond of my teacher. But it is strange that I can’t figure out why. I am not the only high school girl I’m sure who has fond thoughts of a teacher, be he male or female. It is just what psychological reasons account for something like this. And why Mrs. Chasan?

MRS. CHASAN’S BIRTHDAY SPANISH 10:04 A.M.

Just finished taking a quiz. I’m sure I did very well. I got my first A- on a Spanish test the other day. The first one all year! Never again will I get an A-! We’re learning stuff right now that I already know very well. I do wish we could get on. Before Spanish, I walked into the English room to ask Mrs. Chasan how her day was going. She just said it was fine. Then Donna walked in and I said I would see her later as I walked out. Then she acknowledged me and said, “See you later.” That’s all. I might bother her again after Spanish. Then I go to finish a Chemistry test. FUN! (10:13 A.M.)

10:14 A.M.

Oh! Now we’re learning pronouns in Spanish! FINALLY! I’ll listen today and have it down pat forever. Then he’ll go over it for another week and I will be oh so bored. (10:15 A.M)

10:24 A.M.

I feel badly now. I really do understand Mr. Maher’s teaching methods and purposes. I’m sorry I said that before. Yes, pronouns are hard. They are easy for me though, and if the students in this class grasp them, and I’m sure they will, then that will be very rewarding for Mr. Maher. Yes, he does go slow, but I guess there is really no reason for him to go fast. He has been teaching a few years and knows from experience. Some students don’t always grasp a language so readily. And there is no point in going at a faster pace for a few and have the majority of the class not know anything, because they sure can’t learn a language on their own, especially when they’ve already had Mr. Maher teaching them at a patronizing pace.

10:57 A.M. – CHEMISTRY STILL MRS. CHASAN’S BIRTHDAY

I stopped by to bother Mrs. Chasan like I thought I would do. Wayne and Brian were standing by her desk talking to her. I interrupted and told Mrs. Chasan that they both had birthday cards for her but forgot to bring them in. Brian and Wayne sort of got angry – not really though. And it is not entirely true. I reminded them to get her a card each, but they did forget, so this morning on the bus I told them to bring their cards in tomorrow. It isn’t very kind of me to run around the school saying it’s Mrs. Chasan’s birthday. Thank you for giving me that realization. I will not try to refrain myself. (I guess I don’t believe in paragraphs today). I just finished my chemistry test. I know I got the math wrong. Miss Kocher said to just relax. I was so happy to hear that because you know what I did immediately! I opened you up and started writing. I hope it turns out to be a glorious day. I do want it to be. I still have not caught up all my sleep from the Washington trip, yet I am not tired today. All week I have been in a lousy, down mood. Oh do I HATE to be that way! It’s embarrassing also for me. I spoke to my friend Elaine last night for 2 hours! It was great. We don’t usually talk that much. But we have a few or more things in common. It is truly amazing how I am able to write so much. (It is amazing for me, but to others it is really no big deal). I am attempting to become a writer. It is not that I show any special talent, but I do believe that with practice, I can become a very good writer. And I do want to be one (I THINK!) I only think. It may be because I am lazy and want to do nothing else except to become a mother, but I do love to write, and I do love (adore) children! (Especially my very own little creations, when I have them!)

11:20 A.M.

I’ve forgotten to record the times but I guess it doesn’t matter. I went to the bathroom about 7 minutes ago to look at myself in the mirror. I do really very much hope (God please!) that I can lose weight. Even if I just get down to 150 pounds, I will at least not be obese anymore. Sometimes it is hard for me not to believe that it would change people’s outlooks of me. But I shudder to think what people think of my fat body. It would just simply be interesting to lose weight, if only to see how other people will look at me, especially the boys! (OF COURSE) The boys really do matter to me. (Camile just said to Dan in response to his comment of her being critical – “I lend my comments freely.”) (I’ll get back to the boys later). (I want to try to never say anything bad about people in her).

If I could continue to write all my information from my classes at Vail-Deane, maybe, just maybe, my apathy will be cured! Because I love what I am doing.

12:45 P.M. ENGLISH

The time is coming. Michelle just told me to yell out to Camile and Melissa to hurry up. Camile and Melissa got mad.

11:53 P.M. THE PARTY

She is here. She thought it was going to be in the junior room at lunch, but no, we had to miss English! Miss MacWhinney is here. Everyone is mad at me for writing her. I can understand that. This is really just supposed to be for us and her, but I invited Miss MacWhinney for Mrs. Chasan. (As Miss MacWhinney would say, I was not thinking again). But I did mean well. HONEST. Then Miss MacWhinney said, “I shouldn’t be here.” And big arrogant me told her that it was okay. Then I caught myself and said, “I shouldn’t be telling you that.” She gave me a look like I really shouldn’t. I felt bad. When she left, she gave me a pleasant look and a wave. I was chewing cheesecake at the time, but when I could as she was leaving, I said goodbye to her. I think Mrs. Chasan is happy. She said she’d be disappointed if we didn’t give her one. None of us brought our literature books with us. Mrs. Chasan asked us to clean off her desk. I’m sitting at it now – writing, recording the party as best I can. This isn’t so good – I know. (She is standing over me now). I asked her if she thought she’d be more mature. That’s good. Before, we were all getting pretty disgusting. The party turned into a large, loud conversation of words referring to the human reproductive system. Mrs. Chasan told us to shut up. It seemed Melissa was leading the group. She was harassing Shawn (who is here). Michelle baked two very delicious cheesecakes. There is a bag of potato chips, nacho cheese Doritos, orange soda, and cola (I THINK). Her desk is very sticky.

1:28 P.M.

The bell just rang. It must be time to go. Her sophomores are coming in now. Oh, do I hate to leave. It was so comfortable just sitting in her seat, observing the party. I probably shouldn’t have done that – too strange.

1:42 P.M. SEXUAL EDUCATION

That’s not that we learn how to have sex in this class. We’re talking about birth control. I don’t know if I’m too keen on birth control. It does make sense though. Mr. Ambrose’s talking about the intrauterine device really scares me. The pill is about the nicest birth control except for the side effects. I do hope that I am not a wild one. But I’m sure I will (maybe might) be active. Gosh – I hope it does not cause me problems. (I won’t worry about it). Then there’s venereal disease. Oh, I hope everything turns out okay for me when I am old. That I can have sex when I feel like it and that I will get pregnant when I feel like it. Everything contraceptive sounds so harsh. Even abortion, which is not contraceptive.