April 28, 1982
8:45 A.M. WEDNESDAY MORNING
Talk to me please. Mind, you have just got to give me some advice now. Send the messages down to my fingers and hand, I will put it on the paper, okay?
Camile just yelled at me really cruelly. I could just HATE her for doing that to me. And Sheila too. And I might as well be mad at Melissa for laughing. What did I ever do to them God? This altercation – this horrible altercation – and it seems worse now that I’m in high school, reminds me of my early days dealing with my peers.
Oh you just don’t know how hard it is to get along with people. Why do they have to hurt me? Camile hurt me. Yes, I got made at her. Yes, I must have really yelled at her about Mr. Jones a few times. I must have really bothered her. God give me just the strength to keep my mouth shut. I could just cry. I’m not a saint God, book, everyone. Leave me be please. I don’t like to be yelled at. Camile really hurt me. I don’t think I ever want to talk to her again. I could just hate her for what she did. She really hurt me.
God sir – please be kind to me. No one else is. Is it okay if I don’t talk to Camile? I’m so angry with her. She yelled at me!
Why did you let her do that to me? I asked you yesterday for people to be nice. What is your prerequisite? You didn’t tell me! You probably told me when I was a kid. I don’t even know if I was good then. You took a little child’s nanna away! You took her away from me! Why, she was ill, why didn’t you make her better? She was a good person! And even if she wasn’t – I loved her. So are you saying that someone loves Camile because I know that! But why can’t we live in harmony?!
I should have just walked out and cried. I’m not going to talk to Camile.
A REALIZATION IN MUSIC CLASS 9:45 A.M.
One day when I have absolutely nothing to do I am going to read over all my notebooks and take notes on myself. I hope I understand myself. That would be great. You know, I think maybe I’ll be a playwright, or I will just write books, short stories, pomes, plays, anything and I will just same them. And I will write things for people. It is not like I am a painter, or a sculptor and making things is always a nice thing to do for someone and everyone likes handmade, personal gifts. But, my only good art is writing. I can’t really five a writing to someone. But I am imaginative.
ENGLISH CLASS – I WROTE ON BOARD “LET US ALL PLEASE LOOK SOMETIMES FOR THE GOODNESS IN PEOPLE AND JUDGE THEM NOT”
I gave Mrs. Chasan her birthday card. She didn’t care too much (I gave it to her when no one was around). Mrs. Chasan is explaining the second act of the Crucible. It was our reading assignment last t night. I don’t understand the function of an English teacher. I understood what I read. I have my own opinions. Why do I have to listen? She was telling us before about running for SFS elections. I was thinking about it. I do think I have a chance being a senior next year. Bit I would hate to be rejected. I think I will have to prepare myself, brace myself, give myself lessons for what happens when someone else is announced as the assistant chairperson. I would like to get up and talk.
Sheila, Camile and Melissa are sitting apart form me now. Don’t they want me to be their friend? It was so different in Washington. What’s wrong? Am I tired or something? I thought I could handle this. Oh I wish I was high! I hate them sometimes. Camile is so cruel to me. Sheila never talks to me anymore. I am so sorry for what I have done to her. God I am so sorry! Oh, I am so depressed. God. I have history next. Oh why do you make it so difficult for me? I can’t take history class. Why can’t we learn something I want to learn? I only insist on learning what I want to know. If that means that Sarah Lawrence won’t want me then fine! Then I will go to some shit college and I won’t give two shits about it. I will take the courses I want and do well. I’m so into myself anyway. The only thing that will bother me is that I truly do love Sarah Lawrence’s courses. I would succeed in them. Especially when they allow those special areas of concentration. I must remember to mention that in my interview when they ask me why I want to go there I will tell them that I think their courses are good for me. The only problem with Vail-Deane is that it had a lot to offer me but in the way of anything other than a general education. General education I know is very important. I probably should strive to do well just to prove myself but I don’t. I just sit here and think. The Crucible is truly upsetting. I get frustrate to hear of the cruelty in people. And I sit reticent, not able to do a thing about it. I can’t even say anything for fear of being ridiculed. Plus at that, I cry either way – when I express my feelings and when I am ridiculed. So if Sarah Lawrence doesn’t buy it. And I am truly sincere. God, I really do wish others could see that. But I will have to go to a dumb place and continue in a general education. I should drop out but I refuse to work. I want to just read and learn all by god damned LIFE! So I’ll sit in a stupid college. I’ll be so unhappy God! I will I will! I just hope I will have Mrs. Chasan to always and always talk to because I don’t want to go to the same college as Ellen. I need to get away from her. Why? Well, she’s my friend, but you know, she really hurt me when I was young. Oh yes – I have a problem, I can’t forget. I mentioned it to her the other night and she kept feeding me the line “I can’t account for my past.” But Ellen – do you care? You hurt me. What do you want from me? To forget it all? It bothers me Ellen! What bothers me is very hard for me to forget, especially when you weren’t sorry about it then. Do you realize what you got away with doing? You got away with the longer end of the stick always! I took it all in! What a friend I was. I never said a thing – never knew how to get back at you. What was your problem? You probably were going through something – immaturity maybe? It could have been deeper than that. I will never deny you of that. Don’t you think I am not trying so hard to understand?! Ellen you never realized any of that. Plus your mother, who I do love, doesn’t help, doesn’t see either. You poor family has so many problems. And what a true shame, because my family has many problems too, and I don’t need them. I wish I could be a help to your family but I can’t. I just can’t. And your friend Ray? What is he? For one month, I loved him. He would never ever again be a friend of mine. I have judgments about him and I hate to but I see some unnice things about him. It makes me feel sick to see these things. This upsets me – it really, really does. Most of all, he judges me. You do too sometimes, and if you want to be best friends, you can’t judge me! I’ll let you hear a word or two from my mouth. And you know I hate to mouth off. Promise us I will keep my mouth tightly shit!! I just don’t want to get hurt in college. You have no one, you come to me. What am I suppose to think of that?
And Mrs. Chasan, we have a different relationship. I look up to you. You know, we’ve only had one long talk in my life. That was last year in May. You were sincerely interested. You know, I really need some advice from you. If not from you, from nobody else can I get it, than from my psychiatrist.
My friendship with Ellen is not perfect. My friendship with Mrs. C. is not perfect. Oh that makes me so sad.
English – nothing to it, no challenge
Spanish – too slow
History – depressing subject matter
Math – boring, frustrating
Science – boring, frustrating
Music – nothing to it
Ensemble – do well, but teacher refuses to give me an A
Miss Machinery – sweet to me most times
Mr. Scot – doesn’t like me
Mr. Ambrose – I hate to disagree with
Mrs. Colcord – likes me
Mr. Viall– nice to me
Mrs. DeWitt – has an interest in me
Miss Geiger – picks on me too much
Miss Purdon – picks on me too much
Mr. Maher – I bore him, doesn’t care about my love for Spanish
Miss Kosher – doesn’t understand me
Mr. Jones – thinks I am nice
Miss Goldman – has something against me at times
Amy – don’t know
Vickie – too complex and confusing a relationship with her to even attempt to have things “cool” between us. I don’t think she can handle it. I hate her for that only because she hurts me.
Write in Mrs. Chasan’s yearbook: I’ve been so nice to you, haven’t I this year? I hope you’ll let me be a friend of yours when I am an adult. I’d look forward to being a good friend to you. I just spoke to Miss Goldman and asked her if I could go on the museum trip, very enthusiastically. She denied me! (Because I’m not in her art class)! But I will be next year and she should be happy to have an interested student! What sense can I make of her denial? I can’t help but think that the world is against me! Gee whiz, I can’t even go to a museum! What is this shit?
Oh, should I hide in a corner? What should I do? If only you could come alive. What would you do? – toy with my feelings? I don’t really care anymore. It doesn’t matter what people think.
I’m so depressed. You’ve really hurt me God. I was so so very happy to be home from Puerto Rico. I even handled missing the Academy Awards! I knew everything would be okay after spring vacation. Two days later I have a car accident! Upset me forever. When seeing Mrs. C. that Monday afternoon, we had the nicest reunion.
I just found out about an old schoolmate of mine, Lorraine S., she left for Pingry 4 years ago. She is going to Yale. I’m really very proud of her. That is truly a great thing to be going to Yale, and something to be proud of. That sort of changes how I felt before. I have just got to learn to think objectively. Sure, I really do want to go to Sarah Lawrence. I’d be so very happy to be there. Who is going to help me with my problems? No one I suppose. I have to help myself. (The friendship with Mrs. Chasan has to evolve. I guess I can’t talk to her. Why do I want to keep being around her if I know that she isn’t going to respond to me?) I really should just be nice and quiet and hope that w become good friends. I guess the little things will have to count now. I asked her if I could have a long talk with her before college, but I might be too u upset if I know I am going to a shitty college. I deserve better God. I’m smart. I feel so bad that I don’t like my education. I feel really badly, and it sure doesn’t help my grades. Please God, help me with my term paper! I need to get an A on that especially since I love my topic. I still need a thesis though. I’ll have to take a few days off from school. Could you give me the strength to do all this please?!
I think I’m going to stop all this writing about Mrs. Chasan. I really should try to avoid her. I’m really sop upset. I’m so alone.
8:10 P.M. TECH REHEARSAL
Things are okay now. Minja has been reading this. Sweet, sweet Minja – I wonder if I am corrupting her in any way. Please God don’t allow it at all! You know I want only good in the world, and I don’t want to hurt Mina in any way. So please make a positive good out of this. I am a writer and you must realize that this particular writer’s goal is to get through to people. On top of that, Minja is just a year younger than me. She is Korean, but is rapidly learning English. That must be difficult for her to be that age and I do hope that she does have good friends in Vail-Deane. But I’m sure that she has Korean friends.
In any case, it might be very interesting for Minja to read a 17 year-old American’s thoughts. Maybe, maybe not. The thing is though that Minja probably knows very little about me. I’m truly not sure if I can represent many 17 year old American girls. Most people consider me very different. I am different in many ways. But probably, on the inside, I believe that all my peers look for good, just as I do. And I am sure that Minja, too, looks for good in the world.
So dear Minja, this is my book. It encompasses many of my deep emotions that maybe only I can decipher. If, unfortunately, you don’t understand, it may not be the English. It may just be me.
Talk to me please. Mind, you have just got to give me some advice now. Send the messages down to my fingers and hand, I will put it on the paper, okay?
Camile just yelled at me really cruelly. I could just HATE her for doing that to me. And Sheila too. And I might as well be mad at Melissa for laughing. What did I ever do to them God? This altercation – this horrible altercation – and it seems worse now that I’m in high school, reminds me of my early days dealing with my peers.
Oh you just don’t know how hard it is to get along with people. Why do they have to hurt me? Camile hurt me. Yes, I got made at her. Yes, I must have really yelled at her about Mr. Jones a few times. I must have really bothered her. God give me just the strength to keep my mouth shut. I could just cry. I’m not a saint God, book, everyone. Leave me be please. I don’t like to be yelled at. Camile really hurt me. I don’t think I ever want to talk to her again. I could just hate her for what she did. She really hurt me.
God sir – please be kind to me. No one else is. Is it okay if I don’t talk to Camile? I’m so angry with her. She yelled at me!
Why did you let her do that to me? I asked you yesterday for people to be nice. What is your prerequisite? You didn’t tell me! You probably told me when I was a kid. I don’t even know if I was good then. You took a little child’s nanna away! You took her away from me! Why, she was ill, why didn’t you make her better? She was a good person! And even if she wasn’t – I loved her. So are you saying that someone loves Camile because I know that! But why can’t we live in harmony?!
I should have just walked out and cried. I’m not going to talk to Camile.
A REALIZATION IN MUSIC CLASS 9:45 A.M.
One day when I have absolutely nothing to do I am going to read over all my notebooks and take notes on myself. I hope I understand myself. That would be great. You know, I think maybe I’ll be a playwright, or I will just write books, short stories, pomes, plays, anything and I will just same them. And I will write things for people. It is not like I am a painter, or a sculptor and making things is always a nice thing to do for someone and everyone likes handmade, personal gifts. But, my only good art is writing. I can’t really five a writing to someone. But I am imaginative.
ENGLISH CLASS – I WROTE ON BOARD “LET US ALL PLEASE LOOK SOMETIMES FOR THE GOODNESS IN PEOPLE AND JUDGE THEM NOT”
I gave Mrs. Chasan her birthday card. She didn’t care too much (I gave it to her when no one was around). Mrs. Chasan is explaining the second act of the Crucible. It was our reading assignment last t night. I don’t understand the function of an English teacher. I understood what I read. I have my own opinions. Why do I have to listen? She was telling us before about running for SFS elections. I was thinking about it. I do think I have a chance being a senior next year. Bit I would hate to be rejected. I think I will have to prepare myself, brace myself, give myself lessons for what happens when someone else is announced as the assistant chairperson. I would like to get up and talk.
Sheila, Camile and Melissa are sitting apart form me now. Don’t they want me to be their friend? It was so different in Washington. What’s wrong? Am I tired or something? I thought I could handle this. Oh I wish I was high! I hate them sometimes. Camile is so cruel to me. Sheila never talks to me anymore. I am so sorry for what I have done to her. God I am so sorry! Oh, I am so depressed. God. I have history next. Oh why do you make it so difficult for me? I can’t take history class. Why can’t we learn something I want to learn? I only insist on learning what I want to know. If that means that Sarah Lawrence won’t want me then fine! Then I will go to some shit college and I won’t give two shits about it. I will take the courses I want and do well. I’m so into myself anyway. The only thing that will bother me is that I truly do love Sarah Lawrence’s courses. I would succeed in them. Especially when they allow those special areas of concentration. I must remember to mention that in my interview when they ask me why I want to go there I will tell them that I think their courses are good for me. The only problem with Vail-Deane is that it had a lot to offer me but in the way of anything other than a general education. General education I know is very important. I probably should strive to do well just to prove myself but I don’t. I just sit here and think. The Crucible is truly upsetting. I get frustrate to hear of the cruelty in people. And I sit reticent, not able to do a thing about it. I can’t even say anything for fear of being ridiculed. Plus at that, I cry either way – when I express my feelings and when I am ridiculed. So if Sarah Lawrence doesn’t buy it. And I am truly sincere. God, I really do wish others could see that. But I will have to go to a dumb place and continue in a general education. I should drop out but I refuse to work. I want to just read and learn all by god damned LIFE! So I’ll sit in a stupid college. I’ll be so unhappy God! I will I will! I just hope I will have Mrs. Chasan to always and always talk to because I don’t want to go to the same college as Ellen. I need to get away from her. Why? Well, she’s my friend, but you know, she really hurt me when I was young. Oh yes – I have a problem, I can’t forget. I mentioned it to her the other night and she kept feeding me the line “I can’t account for my past.” But Ellen – do you care? You hurt me. What do you want from me? To forget it all? It bothers me Ellen! What bothers me is very hard for me to forget, especially when you weren’t sorry about it then. Do you realize what you got away with doing? You got away with the longer end of the stick always! I took it all in! What a friend I was. I never said a thing – never knew how to get back at you. What was your problem? You probably were going through something – immaturity maybe? It could have been deeper than that. I will never deny you of that. Don’t you think I am not trying so hard to understand?! Ellen you never realized any of that. Plus your mother, who I do love, doesn’t help, doesn’t see either. You poor family has so many problems. And what a true shame, because my family has many problems too, and I don’t need them. I wish I could be a help to your family but I can’t. I just can’t. And your friend Ray? What is he? For one month, I loved him. He would never ever again be a friend of mine. I have judgments about him and I hate to but I see some unnice things about him. It makes me feel sick to see these things. This upsets me – it really, really does. Most of all, he judges me. You do too sometimes, and if you want to be best friends, you can’t judge me! I’ll let you hear a word or two from my mouth. And you know I hate to mouth off. Promise us I will keep my mouth tightly shit!! I just don’t want to get hurt in college. You have no one, you come to me. What am I suppose to think of that?
And Mrs. Chasan, we have a different relationship. I look up to you. You know, we’ve only had one long talk in my life. That was last year in May. You were sincerely interested. You know, I really need some advice from you. If not from you, from nobody else can I get it, than from my psychiatrist.
My friendship with Ellen is not perfect. My friendship with Mrs. C. is not perfect. Oh that makes me so sad.
English – nothing to it, no challenge
Spanish – too slow
History – depressing subject matter
Math – boring, frustrating
Science – boring, frustrating
Music – nothing to it
Ensemble – do well, but teacher refuses to give me an A
Miss Machinery – sweet to me most times
Mr. Scot – doesn’t like me
Mr. Ambrose – I hate to disagree with
Mrs. Colcord – likes me
Mr. Viall– nice to me
Mrs. DeWitt – has an interest in me
Miss Geiger – picks on me too much
Miss Purdon – picks on me too much
Mr. Maher – I bore him, doesn’t care about my love for Spanish
Miss Kosher – doesn’t understand me
Mr. Jones – thinks I am nice
Miss Goldman – has something against me at times
Amy – don’t know
Vickie – too complex and confusing a relationship with her to even attempt to have things “cool” between us. I don’t think she can handle it. I hate her for that only because she hurts me.
Write in Mrs. Chasan’s yearbook: I’ve been so nice to you, haven’t I this year? I hope you’ll let me be a friend of yours when I am an adult. I’d look forward to being a good friend to you. I just spoke to Miss Goldman and asked her if I could go on the museum trip, very enthusiastically. She denied me! (Because I’m not in her art class)! But I will be next year and she should be happy to have an interested student! What sense can I make of her denial? I can’t help but think that the world is against me! Gee whiz, I can’t even go to a museum! What is this shit?
Oh, should I hide in a corner? What should I do? If only you could come alive. What would you do? – toy with my feelings? I don’t really care anymore. It doesn’t matter what people think.
I’m so depressed. You’ve really hurt me God. I was so so very happy to be home from Puerto Rico. I even handled missing the Academy Awards! I knew everything would be okay after spring vacation. Two days later I have a car accident! Upset me forever. When seeing Mrs. C. that Monday afternoon, we had the nicest reunion.
I just found out about an old schoolmate of mine, Lorraine S., she left for Pingry 4 years ago. She is going to Yale. I’m really very proud of her. That is truly a great thing to be going to Yale, and something to be proud of. That sort of changes how I felt before. I have just got to learn to think objectively. Sure, I really do want to go to Sarah Lawrence. I’d be so very happy to be there. Who is going to help me with my problems? No one I suppose. I have to help myself. (The friendship with Mrs. Chasan has to evolve. I guess I can’t talk to her. Why do I want to keep being around her if I know that she isn’t going to respond to me?) I really should just be nice and quiet and hope that w become good friends. I guess the little things will have to count now. I asked her if I could have a long talk with her before college, but I might be too u upset if I know I am going to a shitty college. I deserve better God. I’m smart. I feel so bad that I don’t like my education. I feel really badly, and it sure doesn’t help my grades. Please God, help me with my term paper! I need to get an A on that especially since I love my topic. I still need a thesis though. I’ll have to take a few days off from school. Could you give me the strength to do all this please?!
I think I’m going to stop all this writing about Mrs. Chasan. I really should try to avoid her. I’m really sop upset. I’m so alone.
8:10 P.M. TECH REHEARSAL
Things are okay now. Minja has been reading this. Sweet, sweet Minja – I wonder if I am corrupting her in any way. Please God don’t allow it at all! You know I want only good in the world, and I don’t want to hurt Mina in any way. So please make a positive good out of this. I am a writer and you must realize that this particular writer’s goal is to get through to people. On top of that, Minja is just a year younger than me. She is Korean, but is rapidly learning English. That must be difficult for her to be that age and I do hope that she does have good friends in Vail-Deane. But I’m sure that she has Korean friends.
In any case, it might be very interesting for Minja to read a 17 year-old American’s thoughts. Maybe, maybe not. The thing is though that Minja probably knows very little about me. I’m truly not sure if I can represent many 17 year old American girls. Most people consider me very different. I am different in many ways. But probably, on the inside, I believe that all my peers look for good, just as I do. And I am sure that Minja, too, looks for good in the world.
So dear Minja, this is my book. It encompasses many of my deep emotions that maybe only I can decipher. If, unfortunately, you don’t understand, it may not be the English. It may just be me.
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 11:27 AM
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