April 27, 1982

I've just pulled you off the shelf in our living room closet. I've just almost finished another notebook that I started almost a week ago. You are a bit fatter. I hope we become good friends. You will most likely last a long time, but there's no telling now. Hasta otra vez! Until another time!

TWO DAYS AFTER WE GOT BACK FROM WASHINGTON 9:45 A.M.

I am very upset with Miss Prudon. I don’t want to ever talk to her again. She yelled at me today for something I wasn’t even doing and you don’t do that with 17 yr. Old people. I am too, too sensitive and I don’t think I deserve it. And it hurt a lot! I told her really meekly after class that it was Tracy who was singing the wrong part and she got mad at me again and said I shouldn’t bother her! And she said I shouldn’t take things so personally. Dear book, I’m just sorry the whole thing happened. Believe me, and Miss Prudon should know this too, I don’t want to bother her now with the concert coming up or ever and I don’t even have a reputation for doing that. So why did she have to yell at me twice – because I innocently offensive? Gosh, I do things for her. I get A’s in Music History. I am prepared for my piano lessons, and above all I treat her well! Why did she yell at me God! No one else does! She is the only one. But Miss Lee and Miss Dundon come in close behind her, if not at the same pace. I don’t do anything wrong! Maybe I do. I’ve gotten high, I drink, I had a car accident, I spilled hydrochloric acid on Miss Kocher, I let my friend Sheila get sick, I accomplished Mary and Melissa in something, and then there are those water faucts and my poor, poor grades in Math and Science! What do I have after that? Peers who make fun of me, a mother who argues with me, teachers who have difficulty in understanding their student Patricia, illegitimate parents, and one who wants to bring me into his life, and old beau who never wrote me when he went away. What else? Lay it all on me God! GO AHEAD! See if I care. See if I can take it! Try me and my patience and my confidence and self-esteem, and my dreams, goals, passions, wants, needs, all of them! Just go ahead. But I know that life is supposed to be good. Are you going to help me continue to try to be kind to others? Because God KNOWS I TRY! I SWEAR I DO!

5^th PERIOD ENGLISH CLASS

Oh why do I all of a sudden hate all my classes? Why all this apathy? I don’t need it! Maybe I just want the summer to come and then have my senior year be here already. Maybe I just want everything to just hurry up. But I don’t really truly think so. I just don’t care about English because it just isn’t any fun any more. For example, now we are doing the Crucible. I don’t like the play because I just get so upset with the characters’ stupidity. We finished Our Town and I didn’t like that either because I thought the author’s message was an insult to my sensitivity and insight. I was very upset with the play. But I did respect the unique quality of the play. It was a first of its kind. It was good but I didn’t agree with it. In fact, I wrote a short story with a similar moral in it when I was in seventh grade, and for a 13 yr. Old, I think it was good. God made me lose the second page with the grade on it and comments and the most wonderful writing. God – I won’t blame you – I am sorry – honest, just promise me you will help me find it. PLEASE?

God you know I am using you as an escape. I’m talking to you a lot nowadays. Are you helping me in my search for the purpose of religion? If you are – then thank you.

Then there is history class which I hate now. I have never learned history the way Mr. Ambrose teaches it. I loved learning about Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Italian Renaissance civilization. There was a little money and war thrown in (I think) but that is not what I remember. I remember the philosophers, philanthropists, and artists, the architecture, the culture, the customs of the culture. God, I don’t care about money and war and bad! It teaches me nothing! And I got me and Mr. Ambrose upset yesterday. I was sorry about that. I really was. I guess I will just have to learn the history the way Mr. Ambrose wants to teach it. I disagree with him very much (I think). History is very subjective. I have definite opinions about what I learn in history class. And about English. Like Dan and Wendy who already read these plays, I should do another assignment on the side so instead of reading 2 plays, I could be reading more than 4! I don’t have to go as slow as everyone else. I swear I should have been placed in an advanced English class as a younger person. I really would have loved learning what I am now, when I was younger. Oh well, I will teach and learn myself a lot of English after high school anyway. As it is, I only get an A anyway now. English just isn’t a challenge or I don’t see the challenge and that is why I don’t push myself. To me, it is really nothing. Just reading and a little bit of writing, and discussing also, but no one ever agrees with me, or they don’t have time to try to figure out what I try to express. I do have a problem with that. I talk incoherently. And with Spanish. GOD IT IS SO SO SLOW! It’s frustrating. That class I really hate. It is boring and a waste of my time. Then there is always math and science. Chemistry is very boring! And I just don’t like math. And ensemble is boring. What is so interesting about putting together a show – singing and dancing (which is hard for me) and painting a backdrop? No, it’s not for me. I like drama better.

Now Music History is good I guess. I won’t complain. It is 2 days a week. I do well and it is easy to get away with a lot. I had really wanted to do a term papter on Beethoven’s 9 symphonies and I really think I could get an A on it but I don’t think I will really have time for it. Less than 6 weeks left and I’m so depressed! Oh God – help me. PLEASE! Send me someone to help me – oh please God. I’m begging you! I need sympathy and understanding. Mrs. Chasan hasn’t talked to me all day. Oh what problems I have. I don’t want to be looking forward to getting high. Really, honest and truly! I don’t want to be depressed. Oh God, you are there, aren’t you? Don’t you see my heart dragged on the floor? Oh, I’m hurting! Don’t you see me crying? Don’t you care? I want to do good for you! Oh I want to be good. I want to work hard and accept what I have to learn in school! How can I be stepped on? What have I done wrong? I want Mrs. Chasan to be my friend more than anyone I know. Why can’t it be that simple? Obviously she doesn’t really want to be a close friend of mine. She acts so weird to me sometimes, but you know God, I appreciate her anyway. I really feel that. God, if I wasn’t supposed to be born then why must I be here and be hurt while I’m here? People criticize me! Did you give them the right? Mr. Ambrose criticized me yesterday. Miss Prudon today. Kevin every day. Mrs. Chasan always. Ellen used to. Mr. Scoz. Everybody has some sort of judgment to make about me. I don’t even want to try to make a judgment about people. I have no need to hurt anyone. Can’t someone just walk in the room now and take your part? Because you’re not helping me. But I wouldn’t talk to just anyone anyway. I’ll talk to a classmate, Miss MacWhinney, Mrs. DeWitt, Mrs. Chasan, my mother, Miss Geier, Miss Lee. I don’t know who else. I’m all alone. I don’t want to go to lunch and be criticized. I don’t want to face people. I don’t want to even seen Mrs. Chasan. She is so weird today?! Why did you make her be that way today? I don’t enjoy it. But maybe she doesn’t enjoy seeing me like this. She feels uncomfortable comforting me, but she talks to everyone else and she loves to listen to people’s problems, and she loves to help. I must be special. If I’m not I’ll die. It is that simple. If she has said so many things about keeping in touch with her then she must like me. I won’t talk to her anymore. That’s it. I’ll just give her a cat card because I know I won’t be able to find one for her and I’ll write something like I hope I’m around to celebrate your 60^th birthday. I’ll be 47. I hope when I’m 47 my life is good because God – you know what I really look forward to is a good life – in fact, I don’t even think I should have to settle for just good. I demand a great life. If you can’t give me that, and I wish you would give everyone a great life with no worries. I would be oh so happy! I decided this weekend that a lot of the shit I put up with just does not matter. Miss Prudon’s fucking attitude don’t mean shit to me. No, no, that can not be right. I’m sensitive to those things. Let me be sensitive to everything. I look at everything subjectively but also please give me the strength to think objectively. Mrs. Chasan didn’t even seem to like my postcard. God. Would I ever be so cruel to an admirer? Will I ever have one? Do I need one? Does everyone get them? I know Mrs. Chasan sure has a real live one – that’s me, but she may also have so many that she doesn’t know what to do with them. You know God, you don’t even give me an ounce of the power to communicate cogently with my human counterparts. You realize that? Ever hear how confused people are with my words? It is getting ridiculous and don’t think I don’t want it stopped! Because I want total understanding between myself and the people whi I come in contact with? Am I asking a lot from you? I don’t think so. I really don’t. I have confidence in myself and in you. That must really mean that I believe in you. That you actually do exist in another sense. Or am I just getting through to myself, thinking you are really there, but it is just another part of myself? Wow – that does get deep – doesn’t it. Then you are a part of my mind and possibly there is a part of everyone’s mind that is known as “god” – a God that lives up in the sky, then that would make us all part of the universe – wouldn’t it? And if Patricia S. is a part of this vast and marvelous universe, then she is really special. She knows that would make everyone special but to her it doesn’t matter if they believe in God or not – just that they be nice. We all have purpose! And I KNEW ALL THIS ALREADY – THANKS A WHOLE LOT FOR YOUR HELP. Now – off to being judged.

P.S. A little voice told me all of this!

11.36 P.M.

I finished the letter to Mary, Lynn and Maria, and I wrote Mrs. Chasan’s card. I finished the flyer for Miss MacWhinney and I still am loaded with a lot. Today Mrs. Chasan didn’t talk to me at all. I had such a bad day. I spent my lunch hour writing pages A, B, and C. I was so depressed. I’m better now.You have to promise me that I will study for my chemistry test manana. I still have so much to write about Washington. I feel so bad for Mr. Ambrose. The trip was just one big party. But I had fun. And I’m so happy that I was able to write as I could about it as I did. I must remember to finish my story about Mrs. Chasan. By next year it should be good. I will have lots of time to revise it. I hope God makes her have an emotional response to it. My mother is home now. I’m tired. She said I was acting weird. I’m so excited about putting this book on my shelves and starting the next one. I won’t have much motivation. For some reason Washington just pushed and pushe me to write and I really think that was due to my friends. They fascinated me. I come back from Washington with deep affection for each friend. GOOD NIGHT!

11:45 TUESDAY EVENING

Oh, I’m so upset to be home from Washington. I never had so much fun in my whole life! Every last little minute of that trip was a happy one for me. I felt so elated on that trip! I’ll always remember Washington.

Dear Mary, Lynn and Maria,

I just wanted to do something strange for a change. I want to write you a thank you note for teaching me how to effectively smoke pot for the sake of getting high. I really did learn how to. You are good teachers. I have never ever been high before in my life, and when I did smoke poet the first few times, I knew I was doing something wrong because I never felt like I did Friday and Saturday night before. I now know how to get high and what it feels like and many thanks to you.

Now I want to apologize for what I put you all through on Friday night and possibly Saturday night when I was finally high. I remember everything I said and how I acted and I didn’t want to disturb you. There was nothing wrong with me. It’s just that I had absolutely no idea of what to expect. I was trying to understand the whole thing and I didn’t know how one is suppsed to experience a high, so I got nervous. That’s all.

So now I wonder how I pay you guys back for all the expensive stuff I used from you? Just tell me because I really hope you invite me to engage in this truly wonderful activity again with you. You know that I would truly be appreciative because believe me, I really really enjoyed myself!

I started this on Sunday but never got around to finishing it until now. And by now the whole think may seem so utterly meaningless to you three, but it is never too late, I suppose, to express thanks, especially when what I have learned has been sso memorable and meaningful to me. On top of everything – how to get high was the only thing I learnd on the whole trip. (Well, I guess it was supposed to be educational). And my deep interest in the city of Washington D.C. has never been diverted from my mind until this past weekend. Nonetheless, Washington holds even more fond thoughts in my mind.

So thank you wholeheartedly once again for you know I will never forget what I’ve learned from you.