April 26, 1982

My dear book, I must tell you something very special that happened to me. My good friend, Mrs., Chasan, and I were talking today. You don't know Mrs. C. that much but you will learn a lot about her. I really love her very much, I can't explain it though. I'm just so utterly fond of her. I liker her so much, She’s my English teacher, We can't really be friends until I graduate, but I am getting older and I really can't wait until we are friends forever and if anything ever comes between our possibly being really good friends than I'll really be hurt t and upset. I suppose this isn't really special but let me get it out before I start my homework. I have so much of it, but I'm always thinking about this teacher-friend of mine. I was just talking to her today after school and I was really bummed. out. I had a misunderstanding with Mrs. Ambrose and I was really upset about it. I just felt lousy, plus I was really dizzy and it showed in my face. I could feel it. I was sitting by the window and asked her to come over. She took my hand and it was so warm. It felt so good. I told her to promise me that we would have a long talk before I went to college. I would really like to do that. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I was really dizzy and I was. I was so dizzy from being so tired. I still am not. So she told me to sit down in my chair. She asked me if I ate right today. I kind of did. Then she said that I looked really upset or something like that and said that maybe I was getting my period. I hold her I had it now. She said that was probably a contributing factor to my mood and went to talk about how I told her one time about how women commit more suicides when they have their periods. I can't really tell if I'm different when I have my period. No one probably can because of outside stimuli also. So I didn't think so, but then again I don't really know. But the point is that she said that to me. How nice. I don't know why. She was so subtle about it. The whole conversation before she got up was so subtle. It was so nice. You see, I wish Mrs. Chasan was my sister and I hop that the relationship we have one day is like sisters and what she said was sort of sisterly. I enjoyed it a lot. (God how honest I am!) I really was upset and dizzy and I felt so much better just to tell her how I felt. We never had such a conversation. I thanked her later for her sympathy, told her I felt better, and told her I needed it. I probably shouldn't have done that but it is true and I can't keep my mouth shut. But later she told me that I could handle it/ I know that! But I needed her sympathy. Boy oh boy! You see, she got up while we were having our nice conversation by the window. I was confused. I didn't want her to leave me! She asked her why she got up and she told me she was nervous. I told her that I probably made her nervous. She denied that. I don’t why she got nervous. I do think it was because of our conversation. We wen'te getting person. I was just telling her my feelings about my peers. Well, it just got cut short. The bothered me but I didn't feel bad about it/. She told me I was very perceptive and I told her I knew that already. Well, while the talk lasted, I felt better. As short as it was, we talked like we never talked before. I was so nice and spontaneous and everything I ever wanted from her I got - just plain sympathy and understanding. I thought it was going so well and she had to get up and end it because she said she needed to walk around. Oh well. I understand. I’m sure that once in a blue moon, we will have another conversation filled with sympathy and understanding. God dear, if you could give me that, I would be so grateful because God I love Mrs. Chasan so much. I look up to her like a sister and I wish we were born sisters, but since we weren't, Thank you God for giving her to me. I love your present! (Oh Mrs. Chasan, if I could do anything for you I would. Please always, always realize that I care very much about you and as a friend, I would never ever hurt you or stand in your way).Oh, I do love her and I hope I always, always will. She just means so much to me. God? Is there a reason for my fondness? What accounts for my strong, strong, and deep feelings of fondness for Mrs. Chasan? I really feel everything I write about and I really write truly about everything. I feel. I go on and on sometimes. Writing about her is an on-going thing with me. I try to understand our relationship I don't think she understands it either. That's why I want to talk to her after I graduate. She has got to get over the fact that she just doesn’t know how much I like her. - let alone love her. I don't know why she likes me, and I don't why what it is about her that attracts me so. Oh dear book - I have a confession which I hope will materialize. I am writing something about Mrs. Chasan. It seems to be coming along fine. It will be long, probably have a title, a dedication and a personal explanation which I will give to her and it may be in story form. I don't know. But if God can give me the strength o write something so beautiful, sincere and meaningful for my dear friend Mrs. Chasan, I will love you with all my heart. I really will because believe me, it means so much to me. And I want to give her a perfect writing. maybe at my graduation! I truly love you Mrs. Chasan, you just don't realize that! God? Will you do me another favor? Please? Please give my dear friend the knowledge to see that. I don't want to cause problems. Maybe what I got from her - the sympathy and understanding is not what she really feels comfortable giving. And the last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable - but God how hurt I'd be if we misunderstood each other. ----- I've just gone on and one about her. I wouldn't know if that's ridiculous or not. But I got my feelings out. I hope one day I understand our relationship because that is why I write about it and dream about it - it really means a lot to me - that's obvious. If I could have that little thing all written up just for her (I would have a copy too). But a special one for her. And give it to her at graduation and leave it for her to read whenever she wanted. (I must remember I'm 17 now and may be more mature at 18) but it would be neat to write all kinds of things. But I would have absolutely no one to proof read it or tell me I was crazy to give her something like that - but I want tit to be special and not to be our-of-place so the only time I could let her have it would be after I graduate. I LOVE HER. ----- Now- back to reality although that is to me. I must tell you all about Washington. I apologize for taking you all the way there and noting writing to you.