April 25, 1982
8:30 P.M. - HOME
Oh, I have learned so much about life this weekend. I may have actually learned very little but I am able to look back on everything so objectively. And being able to look on everything objectively makes my thinking feel so clear and easily able to think. I feel like there is someone else inside of me though for I am really dizzy. I haven't slept too many hours in the last four days. A NEW EXAMPLE OF MY ABILITY TO THINK OBJECTIVELY (oh this is so neat! Thank you God this marvelous fift) Mrs. Chasan is my English teacher at school I have know her since I was 13 and she 25. Now she will be 30 and I am 17. We've known each other for four years. The first time I met her, was in the cafeteria. She looks a great deal like Miss Goldman, and having hardly ever seen her much, I turned around and quickly said "Hi, Miss Goldman." But then I stood and looked into her eyes for what seemed to be an uncomfortable amount of time for a new teacher and a student who were both confused on how to handle the situation. I look back now and figure that she should have introduced herself although she was probably shy and understandably so. And I didn't even know what to do. I though she was miss Goldman and therefore expected a response but I got none. Then she just walked away, I felt hurt like I always do when friction come between me and another person. I turned around and watched her leave the lunchroom and then I realized that she wasn't Miss Goldman. But before she could turn back to see me, I turned the other way. I felt stupid now. I really felt that after my realization, and her realization of the confusion a student would have of a new teacher who she hardly ever saw and also looked like another teacher. But that is of course if she realized that I too was confused, but it would seem obvious. Nonetheless, this new teacher walked away from me like I was so weird and never said a word about it. She didn't even ask my name and ell me hers. Being the way I felt, I didn't feel I could run after her and apologize for the mistake. And I also felt I couldn’t' leave the cafeteria now and forever because what would happen if I met her again and just said a passing hello in the hall, for now I know she wasn't Miss Goldman, just some lady who didn't give me her name. So what was I going to do? For my little mind, the situation cause me some anguish and I was very very embarrassed. I would however ever expect a person to not acknowledge me, so I figured that I was the weird one and if she saw me in the hall, she would cringe and try to again avoid this weird person - meaning me. But I later knew that this woman probably also very much felt that words should be exchanged to fix-up the confusing confrontation. So if I was able to run after her and correctly introduce myself, the whole thing would be cleared up (and it definitely would have.) So we both did a dumb thing, but she made me feel more dumb and I probably mad4 her feel dumber because she too was embarrassed and didn’t know what to do or say at the time. To think we were just staring at each other for so long - two total stranger! Yes, that was the first time I met her. And all I got from our first meeting was that I know I felt that I had to clear up the misunderstanding between us, because now we knew each other. There is something so intimate, open and revealing about looking into someone’s eyes, and talking in other's eyes with your own eyes. So now we had to break this unfairly build barrier between us. I couldn't avoid her in the halls. As luck would have it. This new teacher and I were forced together sort of. The new headmaster at the time wanted me to take pictures of the new faculty. Have gave me a list and I had to talk to these new teachers. I was not unhappy about this at all. I was looking forward to meeting her formally now, at least more formally, because I would have a reason. So I caught her one day, and called her by her name. She still had never told me her name and I asked someone or found out somehow. She acted differently towards me this time. She also was not sorry to see, me she may have been pleased for our meeting because for her too, it broke the ice. Now this is not that we were dying to meet each other, but the first time was rather uncomfortable. I know I would have forgotten about it any way and so would she. I t was no big deal, it was jus that at the time I felt very embarrassed and this was an easy way to forget all about it even sooner. So I took her picture but I felt really dumb, sort of even nervous about it. I’m not sure why, but Mrs. Chasan was very nice to me this time, so everything was cool now. I know I wouldn’t have to worry about passing her in the hall and being reminded of my embarrassment and I would not have to worry about her being embarrassed but I don't really know if she would have been. I just know that I would for dumb reason, but remember I was 13 year old and very sensitive at that. The year went by and I was friend with her only to the extent that we were on a mane-calling basis now. She learned my name from our second meeting, I told her to call me Tricia because this was my new name in eighth grade. She never really knew me as Patricia. Since I didn't have her as a teacher that year, I don't remember much of her., but there is one incident that does stand clear in my mind.
Oh, I have learned so much about life this weekend. I may have actually learned very little but I am able to look back on everything so objectively. And being able to look on everything objectively makes my thinking feel so clear and easily able to think. I feel like there is someone else inside of me though for I am really dizzy. I haven't slept too many hours in the last four days. A NEW EXAMPLE OF MY ABILITY TO THINK OBJECTIVELY (oh this is so neat! Thank you God this marvelous fift) Mrs. Chasan is my English teacher at school I have know her since I was 13 and she 25. Now she will be 30 and I am 17. We've known each other for four years. The first time I met her, was in the cafeteria. She looks a great deal like Miss Goldman, and having hardly ever seen her much, I turned around and quickly said "Hi, Miss Goldman." But then I stood and looked into her eyes for what seemed to be an uncomfortable amount of time for a new teacher and a student who were both confused on how to handle the situation. I look back now and figure that she should have introduced herself although she was probably shy and understandably so. And I didn't even know what to do. I though she was miss Goldman and therefore expected a response but I got none. Then she just walked away, I felt hurt like I always do when friction come between me and another person. I turned around and watched her leave the lunchroom and then I realized that she wasn't Miss Goldman. But before she could turn back to see me, I turned the other way. I felt stupid now. I really felt that after my realization, and her realization of the confusion a student would have of a new teacher who she hardly ever saw and also looked like another teacher. But that is of course if she realized that I too was confused, but it would seem obvious. Nonetheless, this new teacher walked away from me like I was so weird and never said a word about it. She didn't even ask my name and ell me hers. Being the way I felt, I didn't feel I could run after her and apologize for the mistake. And I also felt I couldn’t' leave the cafeteria now and forever because what would happen if I met her again and just said a passing hello in the hall, for now I know she wasn't Miss Goldman, just some lady who didn't give me her name. So what was I going to do? For my little mind, the situation cause me some anguish and I was very very embarrassed. I would however ever expect a person to not acknowledge me, so I figured that I was the weird one and if she saw me in the hall, she would cringe and try to again avoid this weird person - meaning me. But I later knew that this woman probably also very much felt that words should be exchanged to fix-up the confusing confrontation. So if I was able to run after her and correctly introduce myself, the whole thing would be cleared up (and it definitely would have.) So we both did a dumb thing, but she made me feel more dumb and I probably mad4 her feel dumber because she too was embarrassed and didn’t know what to do or say at the time. To think we were just staring at each other for so long - two total stranger! Yes, that was the first time I met her. And all I got from our first meeting was that I know I felt that I had to clear up the misunderstanding between us, because now we knew each other. There is something so intimate, open and revealing about looking into someone’s eyes, and talking in other's eyes with your own eyes. So now we had to break this unfairly build barrier between us. I couldn't avoid her in the halls. As luck would have it. This new teacher and I were forced together sort of. The new headmaster at the time wanted me to take pictures of the new faculty. Have gave me a list and I had to talk to these new teachers. I was not unhappy about this at all. I was looking forward to meeting her formally now, at least more formally, because I would have a reason. So I caught her one day, and called her by her name. She still had never told me her name and I asked someone or found out somehow. She acted differently towards me this time. She also was not sorry to see, me she may have been pleased for our meeting because for her too, it broke the ice. Now this is not that we were dying to meet each other, but the first time was rather uncomfortable. I know I would have forgotten about it any way and so would she. I t was no big deal, it was jus that at the time I felt very embarrassed and this was an easy way to forget all about it even sooner. So I took her picture but I felt really dumb, sort of even nervous about it. I’m not sure why, but Mrs. Chasan was very nice to me this time, so everything was cool now. I know I wouldn’t have to worry about passing her in the hall and being reminded of my embarrassment and I would not have to worry about her being embarrassed but I don't really know if she would have been. I just know that I would for dumb reason, but remember I was 13 year old and very sensitive at that. The year went by and I was friend with her only to the extent that we were on a mane-calling basis now. She learned my name from our second meeting, I told her to call me Tricia because this was my new name in eighth grade. She never really knew me as Patricia. Since I didn't have her as a teacher that year, I don't remember much of her., but there is one incident that does stand clear in my mind.
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 11:15 AM
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