April 24, 1982
12:30 A.M.
I am high. It is so weird. I realize that I have lost my perspective abilities and I wonder (marvel) at how I can write (I'm trying to write neat).
12:45 A.M.
I'm really afraid of this. I'm not sure if I like this. LATER I don't understand this. And I know I'm talking more than anyone else. And! I have an apathy for writing and I can't feel my muscles, I swear. I am, really really high. I could even swear that no one else has felt this way and I am the only one of all in this room that has ever actually been high. I and I have no sense or morals. now. I'm not bad except that I am really harming myself and when I read this tomorrow I will remember that the apart of me that really didn't want to get high is telling me to write the negativities of this. And I am afraid because I am shaking and cold from feat alone. I told my friend's here that I would let them read this because they will find this interesting. (I am really shaking) - I know my handwriting is atrocious. I never want to ever feel like this again because I really know how it feels now. I am acting weird although I don't mean to. But I was saying before that I will remember the feeling and when something is bothering me I will want to get high to rid me of my problems. Well I am still aware that I have a mother at home who I can hardly believe - HARDLY BELIEVE- that I ever bother listening to her, but I remember that the good part of me really loves her and respects her opinion. People who do this - my God. I don't understand this. I don't feel good - I mean I am not sick (nauseous) WONG SPEELING - CROOKED I JUST FELT LIKE ASKING MELISSA IF SHE IS THE VOIUCE ON SHEIL'S BOX SINGING "HAMSTER LOVE" This must really feel good to people. I know the reasoning why I am writing so big. It is because I feel numb and out of control with my nerves and I can't tell the time. And I'm really having a hard time telling time. And I'm paranoid. I'm trying to bite my lip but it's hard to keep control of my muscles. I can't feel me writing or moving in any way. (AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MUNCHIES YET!) Oh this is weird. And people come to school like this! I can't see it, but I swear I'd like to try it really - but I’d mess it up because I have no control. How does Maggie manage to talk? I sound horrible but I don't know it. I feel like I'm another being of myself inside my head directing the hand muscles to write. It must really be neat to attempt to challenge oneself by seeing how well they cope with their environment. while high. This is really serious what I'm writing. I remember everything. Before I asked everyone to give me a test. to see what I know. I have the same intelligence and also the same stupidity. I f I feel like this for much longer than I don't know if I can sleep with Miss Prudon. (I just coughed) and I would really like to know what time it is. And even if I did know - I wouldn't know how to interpret the time. I have no idea how to deal with this.
1:18 A.M.
I've decided that for all I've wrote - I am writing at the same velocity as normal. I would imagine it very disturbing to see me in this state. OI must go back to bed.
8:45 A.M.
It's the next day now. I was thinking that I'd like to do that again. I don't know why. But right now I have diarrhea and it hurts. I'm not in our bathroom but in the motels bathroom downstairs from the main office. I hope get better. I don't want to be sick I'm wearing white pants also. I hope I get some sun today. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore and please God have mercy for me. I don't want to suffer for what I've done. PLEASE PLEASE be good to me because I'm not going to do anything to hurt anyone and you're probably saying that I', a dummy for hurting myself because I am important. Yes I am. Last night I felt very important and it was strange. I kept talking and talking and talking for - it could have been fifteen minutes and I think everyone was listening to me. But I had the worst time trying to express myself. I tried and tried hard but I don't think anyone understood me. I felt like verbally expressing the physical effect the shit had on me but it was hard. I swear I have never ever been high before if that is the way one is supposed to feel - but I must say to everyone "How do you know when you're high?" (Oh my mother would be so upset!) I know that the first time I felt it was right after I got what I could out of the little roach which burned my upper lip. Then I got up to looking the mirror and Leslie said "Are you alright?" and I replied "Yes" but with sounding like I was about to cry because I looked in the mirror and forgot who Patricia was. I felt wasted - that was the problem - not on top of things like I forgot what I stood for with a "fuck dis shit" attitude.
11:00 A.M. WALKING ON THE MALL
I am enjoying our adventure I think. Mr. Ambrose and the boys are playing Frisbee on the lawn in front of the museum - that's nice. I'm walking behind everyone trying to analyze myself. Pot has opened up a whole new world for me. I like the way I feel - just calm and serene in my own little world. I can't wait to observe everybody as they walk through the museum - because they are supposed to learn. And I want to see if they do. I'm truly in my own little world no matter what. Last nigh I walked right into a bus. Camile save me I heard the bus honk at me. I swear, if I just think about pot when something is bothering me - then nothing will matter anymore because why burden myself like I always do by contemplating the things that disturb me all the time? This is really neat. I've changed my mind - it doesn't bother me to be high. But this just seems like only children should do this - because adolescents have problems - so do adults but they can or should be able to handle their problems better. Adults shouldn't do this.
11:15 A.M. - IN THE AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM
Nothing yet. I feel like a whole new person - like I'm different now. Like in 12 hours I have gained 10 years of maturity. Maggie, Ellen and I are going into an exhibit how. I'm dying to observe my friends s learning. It's over no. We've met Mish, Kyle, Melissa, Mary, Maria and Camile.
11:30 A.M. - WAITING FOR ELLEN IN TOILET
Sheila says she feels like death already. I'm truly in my own world. This is like Disney. It's all fake and real. AND EXCITING AND INTERESTING. Oh, BUT I JUST REMEMBERED I COULD NEVER DO A TERM PAPER UNDER THIS INFLUENCE. I would tell Maria D. the truth about this is she asked, and I'm sure shed' be sorry about it.
11:56 A.M.
I'm so confused! I love Washington. I really do!
LATER- ABOUT 12:15 P.M. (MY GUESS)
We've stopped to watch a parade. Yuck! I THINK IT's DUMB!
4:39 P.M. ARCADE
OH - I SEE I'm HAVING A BIT OF DIFFICULTY WRITING. YES - INDEED I AM. We smoked pot in the mall. It was great - two joints. (I can’t believe what I'm doing here, what I am saying and how wonderful I sound about it - that's scary). I am so obsessed with the stuff. My god - you see how interested I become with new things. I delve right in them before thinking. Pot is very new to me (And I just realized that I have been high all day and not come down, changed, or had any different, negative feelings about pot at all since my bad trip at 12:30 this morning. You know I spent $14.95 on dinner last night and hardly ate anything. Gee that's stupid! I'm on a little diet. I'm trying to lose weight - and rightfully so. I am taking diet pills during the process too. What a shithead I am. If I plan to continue doing this, then I have to promise that I will not let it known by a change in behavior. And I KNOW I'm acting differently. And Mr. Ambrose probably knows why. I saw it in Chris. This is so strange because I am so strange. Everyone is playing the machines and Patricia sits and contemplates. God - that is so weird! Why did you make me that way - so different from everyone else? Again, I realize the specialness in everyone but mostly in myself. How can 15 out of 16 juniors and seniors just play and play and one sits by herself and writes IN AN ARCADE! God-- I'm weird.
I am high. It is so weird. I realize that I have lost my perspective abilities and I wonder (marvel) at how I can write (I'm trying to write neat).
12:45 A.M.
I'm really afraid of this. I'm not sure if I like this. LATER I don't understand this. And I know I'm talking more than anyone else. And! I have an apathy for writing and I can't feel my muscles, I swear. I am, really really high. I could even swear that no one else has felt this way and I am the only one of all in this room that has ever actually been high. I and I have no sense or morals. now. I'm not bad except that I am really harming myself and when I read this tomorrow I will remember that the apart of me that really didn't want to get high is telling me to write the negativities of this. And I am afraid because I am shaking and cold from feat alone. I told my friend's here that I would let them read this because they will find this interesting. (I am really shaking) - I know my handwriting is atrocious. I never want to ever feel like this again because I really know how it feels now. I am acting weird although I don't mean to. But I was saying before that I will remember the feeling and when something is bothering me I will want to get high to rid me of my problems. Well I am still aware that I have a mother at home who I can hardly believe - HARDLY BELIEVE- that I ever bother listening to her, but I remember that the good part of me really loves her and respects her opinion. People who do this - my God. I don't understand this. I don't feel good - I mean I am not sick (nauseous) WONG SPEELING - CROOKED I JUST FELT LIKE ASKING MELISSA IF SHE IS THE VOIUCE ON SHEIL'S BOX SINGING "HAMSTER LOVE" This must really feel good to people. I know the reasoning why I am writing so big. It is because I feel numb and out of control with my nerves and I can't tell the time. And I'm really having a hard time telling time. And I'm paranoid. I'm trying to bite my lip but it's hard to keep control of my muscles. I can't feel me writing or moving in any way. (AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MUNCHIES YET!) Oh this is weird. And people come to school like this! I can't see it, but I swear I'd like to try it really - but I’d mess it up because I have no control. How does Maggie manage to talk? I sound horrible but I don't know it. I feel like I'm another being of myself inside my head directing the hand muscles to write. It must really be neat to attempt to challenge oneself by seeing how well they cope with their environment. while high. This is really serious what I'm writing. I remember everything. Before I asked everyone to give me a test. to see what I know. I have the same intelligence and also the same stupidity. I f I feel like this for much longer than I don't know if I can sleep with Miss Prudon. (I just coughed) and I would really like to know what time it is. And even if I did know - I wouldn't know how to interpret the time. I have no idea how to deal with this.
1:18 A.M.
I've decided that for all I've wrote - I am writing at the same velocity as normal. I would imagine it very disturbing to see me in this state. OI must go back to bed.
8:45 A.M.
It's the next day now. I was thinking that I'd like to do that again. I don't know why. But right now I have diarrhea and it hurts. I'm not in our bathroom but in the motels bathroom downstairs from the main office. I hope get better. I don't want to be sick I'm wearing white pants also. I hope I get some sun today. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore and please God have mercy for me. I don't want to suffer for what I've done. PLEASE PLEASE be good to me because I'm not going to do anything to hurt anyone and you're probably saying that I', a dummy for hurting myself because I am important. Yes I am. Last night I felt very important and it was strange. I kept talking and talking and talking for - it could have been fifteen minutes and I think everyone was listening to me. But I had the worst time trying to express myself. I tried and tried hard but I don't think anyone understood me. I felt like verbally expressing the physical effect the shit had on me but it was hard. I swear I have never ever been high before if that is the way one is supposed to feel - but I must say to everyone "How do you know when you're high?" (Oh my mother would be so upset!) I know that the first time I felt it was right after I got what I could out of the little roach which burned my upper lip. Then I got up to looking the mirror and Leslie said "Are you alright?" and I replied "Yes" but with sounding like I was about to cry because I looked in the mirror and forgot who Patricia was. I felt wasted - that was the problem - not on top of things like I forgot what I stood for with a "fuck dis shit" attitude.
11:00 A.M. WALKING ON THE MALL
I am enjoying our adventure I think. Mr. Ambrose and the boys are playing Frisbee on the lawn in front of the museum - that's nice. I'm walking behind everyone trying to analyze myself. Pot has opened up a whole new world for me. I like the way I feel - just calm and serene in my own little world. I can't wait to observe everybody as they walk through the museum - because they are supposed to learn. And I want to see if they do. I'm truly in my own little world no matter what. Last nigh I walked right into a bus. Camile save me I heard the bus honk at me. I swear, if I just think about pot when something is bothering me - then nothing will matter anymore because why burden myself like I always do by contemplating the things that disturb me all the time? This is really neat. I've changed my mind - it doesn't bother me to be high. But this just seems like only children should do this - because adolescents have problems - so do adults but they can or should be able to handle their problems better. Adults shouldn't do this.
11:15 A.M. - IN THE AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM
Nothing yet. I feel like a whole new person - like I'm different now. Like in 12 hours I have gained 10 years of maturity. Maggie, Ellen and I are going into an exhibit how. I'm dying to observe my friends s learning. It's over no. We've met Mish, Kyle, Melissa, Mary, Maria and Camile.
11:30 A.M. - WAITING FOR ELLEN IN TOILET
Sheila says she feels like death already. I'm truly in my own world. This is like Disney. It's all fake and real. AND EXCITING AND INTERESTING. Oh, BUT I JUST REMEMBERED I COULD NEVER DO A TERM PAPER UNDER THIS INFLUENCE. I would tell Maria D. the truth about this is she asked, and I'm sure shed' be sorry about it.
11:56 A.M.
I'm so confused! I love Washington. I really do!
LATER- ABOUT 12:15 P.M. (MY GUESS)
We've stopped to watch a parade. Yuck! I THINK IT's DUMB!
4:39 P.M. ARCADE
OH - I SEE I'm HAVING A BIT OF DIFFICULTY WRITING. YES - INDEED I AM. We smoked pot in the mall. It was great - two joints. (I can’t believe what I'm doing here, what I am saying and how wonderful I sound about it - that's scary). I am so obsessed with the stuff. My god - you see how interested I become with new things. I delve right in them before thinking. Pot is very new to me (And I just realized that I have been high all day and not come down, changed, or had any different, negative feelings about pot at all since my bad trip at 12:30 this morning. You know I spent $14.95 on dinner last night and hardly ate anything. Gee that's stupid! I'm on a little diet. I'm trying to lose weight - and rightfully so. I am taking diet pills during the process too. What a shithead I am. If I plan to continue doing this, then I have to promise that I will not let it known by a change in behavior. And I KNOW I'm acting differently. And Mr. Ambrose probably knows why. I saw it in Chris. This is so strange because I am so strange. Everyone is playing the machines and Patricia sits and contemplates. God - that is so weird! Why did you make me that way - so different from everyone else? Again, I realize the specialness in everyone but mostly in myself. How can 15 out of 16 juniors and seniors just play and play and one sits by herself and writes IN AN ARCADE! God-- I'm weird.
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 11:11 AM
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