April 21, 1982

I think I know why I like literature so much. It's because I want to get something from it. I know I can't talk to Mrs. C. about some things now. It's not her fault - It’s mine. Oh boy, I wish I had a sister. It's true that I'm scatterbrained. I don’t think I don't focus on my surroundings. That's very dangerous. I'm too deep at thought sometimes. I'm sick of this bullshit! I hate Spanish. I don't like my other subjects. I don't get from English what I want but that doesn't bother me so much because I know I’ll be learning a lot of English in my years and I also think I know so much and I don't. I will one day. I don't blame any of my teachers. I'm depressed. I hate to be depressed. I have got so many things to do! I'll do the. I'm just going to concentrate on Math, Science and History. I'm not going to worry about learning more English, Spanish or Music. Summer is coming. I can't wait until August because I want to get away! And I don't care about my friends any more. I don't hate myself any more. But one day I am afraid I am going to hurt Ellen. I don’t want to, but I don't understand our friendship. Why does she like me? Or does she? I think she is having problems. She doesn't really talk to me though and I am not allowed to guess (that's not right either). Poor Ray. I've learned that I have to not bother Mrs. C. It's not right. I must remember: TERM PAPER PUBLICITY MEETIUNG DRAMA STUFF FAIR FLYER BOOKS Postcards from Washington to Mrs. C., Amy, Mitra, Wendy, Natasha, Elaine. I hope I lose some weight. GOD PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH! PLEASE HELP ME LOSE WEIGHT! What a great way to get attention! I don't know what's come over me but I would like to be a little sexpot. I'm very affectionate with the boys in my class, but they are not receptive. It’s because I'm fat. No one can figure me out. Gosh. I'm a weird human being. I'm worried about drugs and alcohol now. I'm so confused! Some things about life are so sad! Will I ever meet anyone who can relate to me? Oh god how can you do this to me?! Patricia needs people too. She really really needs people! But Annie really like me, but to me, that's just nice. She doesn't mean what Mrs. C. means to me. I don't know why I like her. I swear I don't. It's so strange. Oh I can’t wait until I'm 30, married, with at least one child and a master's degree. Its 13 year away. I hope I fall in love with someone so wonderful, and good locking. I really HATE being depressed!!! I HATE IT! It's bullshit! My moods are so strange. I don't want my friends to do bad things in Washington! I can't do that stuff only because I can't even trust myself when I'm sober! I guess it's just God's way of protecting me. But I get so hurt all the time. Everything affects me. I mean it. Oh gosh, should I dissociate myself with my classmates even more? They'll never talk to me. They don't like me. All I want is to be included and to have fun and laugh with them. I love to be normal and laugh with everybody, but they are so cynical and it hurts! Then there is Ellen. I'm so sorry I couldn't find out about __________ sooner. Oh well. I had an emotional response to it. Boy am I going to cry at graduation!! Oh God am I going to cry. I'm so filled up with emotion already. I'll probably make a fool of myself. My eyes will be so swollen. Ph if I don't cry - I'll be really upset - probably so upset that I will cry - but when I do cry I might not be able to control myself. There is really so much to cry about. I hope I have a good summer. I'll visit college in June and July - probably never see Ellen - and work and soon I hope I'll be off to Puerto Rico for a long, long time! Maybe - just maybe- I'll make some money with my father - but mostly - I want t tan and to learn Spanish seriously and to go to the school. I'll come back after a month (maybe I'll be thin - then I won't get my period there( and I'll be back the weekend before school starts. If I don’t see Mrs. C. - the reunion I'm sure will be nice. God - I HOPE I'M THINNER and SO SO gorgeous. God that would be great only because it takes longer for someone to notice another's inner changes but physical changes are noticed immediately! And I'll get a new dress in Puerto Rico PLEASE. I think I'll definitely go back! And for I.S.P. I'll see my friends at the Spanish Catholic School at the end of the year. I simply must write Mother Rosa a letter. I should never discuss personal things with Mrs. C unless they a=come up and only then - no other time. I mustn’t bother her! Poor Mrs. C. I'm such a mess! I'm so bad. I have got to do something to alleviate the burdens I put on myself - that's what I must learn to do. But how wonderful I would feel if people told me how great I looked after I lost weight! I hope I do. God give me the strength. I JUST WANT TO SEE IT AND HEAR IT ONE - JUST ONE "PATRICIA - YOU'RE ABSOLUTLEY BEAUTIFUL - YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!"