September 17, 1981

I haven't written you in such a long time. I don't know why exactly but recently I think I've had the urge but I'm not really sure so I'm gonna give it a try. School's started and this is the first time I've not just sat down and done my homework, and I have so much too. I hope I don't take too long - you know I love to write but I also hope that what I write is really good. I've recently reread my journal from March 23 to June 6 and I think it's excellent. The contents are at some points very sad. I want to start writing again. IU'm a junior now and have so much to do. My plans for this year are to tackle them all. So far so good. Tomorrow will be my eighth day. I might go to bed late tonight just because I'm writing and because I have a lot of homework. I shouldn't be writing I guess but it's kind of good for me also. I want to see if it makes me feel any better.

Today I stayed after school with Mrs. Chasan. I haven't done that in almost a year, not including the time I talked with her in the spring, which was a good talk. I wanted to tell her that I was so sorry that I had been so mean and so nasty to her over the preceeding months. I told her what was happening in my life that caused me to be so, or why I thought I had altered to such a negative state.

Notebook, I feel a teeny bit depressed right now and I don't know why. I don't want to be this way and I'm kind of ashamed about it. I started feeling this way when I was talking to Mrs. Chasan. I don't know - sometimes I can really talk to her, or at least I think I can and today she was telling me about her life, high school, and then about her beginning years of teaching. I started feeling depressed when she was telling me about all her wonderful students of the past. I felt that way because I wanted to be one of those people. But now I also know that I can and I shouldn't have felt depressed. I can work on being as great as I want to be and that's all I want to do. That's all I need to do. So after realizing I was feeling kind of down but finding no rational reason why while sitting there very quietly and thinking about why I was feeling down, I just ocntinued to sit there quietly and act as I felt. I also felt dumb for doing this. I didn't want any attention but I just couldn't think of anything to say even though I would have loved to sit there and talk to Mrs. Chasan. I like Mrs. Chasan very much. She has her idiosyncrasies but who cares. She's got many good qualitites. One thing is, she goes for the underdog. I do too. I think that's why all those "cool" non-underdogs like Melissa, Jed, Mary, etc. don't really like her. She used to like me. I hope she will like me even more than she used to but I couldnt' stand her when I was going though that rough period in my life from December to May or whenever. I don't know why and I'm so so regretful that I never talked to her. I didn't because I hated her. I was under pressure, my peers disliked her and I couldn't stand to be so different. I know this is true, I just never admitted it on paper. How awful of me. I not only huirt her, I ruined it for myself because I did like her and I was fond of her and I probably would have liked her attention. But I do know that I for some reason didn't want her attention. And I do want it now. I'm so happy to be back in school (I was telling my psychiatrist) because everybody cares about me. I hope it lasts. I want to do everything I can to make the caring for me last. I really need prople to love me. God do I. Why is that? I don't think my friends are like that. Or if they are, they don't show it. Well, Mary, I know, looks up to Miss Geier like a little sister would to her older one. In a way, she loves her. I certainly understand that. I used to think of Miss Geier in the same way. For three years, 5th through 7th grade, I was very very fond of Miss Goldman. I loved her. Now I outgrew that I guess and in between then and last year, we've had our minor differences, but I wish Miss Goldman was still as fond of me as she used to be. And this I hope Mrs. Chasan will give me, attention and respect. So I guess it's Mrs. Chasan's turn. This is so embarassing. Today she was telling me about a 13 or 14 year old girl who loved her. She was having problems at home and analytically speaking, found an affection for Mrs. Chasan as I became obsessed with Barbara and Ellen a few months ago. It's passed now. Getting back to what I was saying though, maybe I don't love Mrs. Chasan now or maybe I do but I am again very fond of her now as I was in the beginning of last year. I'm so embarassed for feeling this way now. I don'w think I deserve to. I hurt her and I don't ask her for forgiveness or forgetness but just another chance to develop a friendship with her. I feel recently that she'd be the first person I'd go to now for help with anything. But would I go to anybody else? If not, then is this as wrong as I was when not talking to her becuase of my obsession with Ellen adn Barbara. Oh God. I hope I'm better now. I just want positive attention.

It's so hard for me to write things out nowadays. Why am I having difficulty spilling my guts? No one is going to read this but I wish someone would. No one has time though. Patricia please don't hate yourself. You're certainly worth something. So you can't write well, you don't have many friends, your head is crewed up and probably a few more thingare are wrong with you, maybe a lot. But you are a person, keep to yourself, don't be a stick in the mud but be quiet, sweet, feminine. People will either hate you or love you. I hope Mrs. Chasan, Miss Geier, Miss Goldman, Mr. Ambrose, Mrs. DeWitt like me. I like them all very much. I hope I acquire more friends. Please God help me work at giving to others what I have to offer them. Please! You know I love poeople. I'm having trouble loving myself. I see everything wrong with me. I need th insights. Things are hard. BUT NO MATTER WHAAT - HOMEWORK COMES ABSOLLUTELY FIRST.

I'm so sorry I didn't cry at my mother's wedding. One day I will in my head. It sort of makes me feel lacking in emotion. But that's the way I feel now. That's another thing. No complaining. I haven't the time, need or desite to. DO DON'T DARE. It's like suicide. It's unlady like and you could screw up with a nagative attitude. Ther's a new boy in my class. He's not as shallow as I thought he was. I've yet to get to know him better.

All I wish for now is to be and have all those who are anybody look at me and like me simply for who I am (that is who I'm hoping to be).

I write too much. I said this before but I'm thinking about people liking me. I'm worrying about it. I've got to shut up. That's not going to help becasue people can't get to know me that way but it's a start for me. I want to be friends with Mrs. Chasan.

I thought that I would never love Kevin and right now I'm not saying that I do but I know that I will love so very much the children that myu mother and he produce. I can't wait. And when I see that as they gorw older they love him as all children love parents, and that they love my mother just as much as I have and will always love my mother which is quite hard for me to see. I will learn since thjey will also love me very much for I will be theri sister and will love them with all my heart, that I may love him becaseu he is their father, which sounds as though they will be my chidlren and I feel that way too and I think I'll act tat way.

I was saying that I think I've changed over the summer. Well I hope so. I need my own love and support and companionship for myself. Now let's get some work done so we can do some more. Don't worry you can always write more tomorrow.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO GOD! DO DO MANY.