October 24, 1981

Shit! I'm a bit perturbed. I'm not ever going out with anyone until I'm in college a few years. I swear I do not like Morgan. I was so stupid to believe all the nice things he said to me! I really have trouble believing it. The first time I let a boy get to know me, this happens! How stupid and unnecessary! Oh! I hate the opposite sex!! I swear I'm probably going to have an illegitimate child and not get married until I'm in my thirties (if I'm lucky). That way the man will be mature by then (hopefully) and I will also, and we will know what is going on. I know know what'a happening so why the hell find out? Shit! Oh well, I don't care now. But now I'm going to be much more skeptical when a young man tells me he likes me. (This is so much better than sitting and thinking - writing really helps me a lot). (I've just got to stop eating! You pig! I do not like him! of his friends! I did not fit in with them at all. I did two weeks ago. It must be my personality. But I do believe there is someone for everyone! There better be one for me.

Morgan ignored me all night!! What the hell did I do but say that I would not let him touch me? He bothered me a lot tonight. He does look like Charles Manson which I find terribly attractive, but he really scared me! It's my problem though. Goat liked me that night in David's driveway but he ignored me also tonight. That's okay. I really do think Morgan is immature. I don't think I will be able to raise a family, but if I want it that badly I'll marry someone at 30, have 3 kids, and leave it at that. I guess I'll have to conform my personality to someone else's just so I won't turn him off. I don't care about Morgan. I really don't, but his immaturity tonight got to me, and to ignore me, Jesus!! All night! God! I'm so angry! I'm not going to worry about it. I certainly learned a lesson. I should have somehow gotten him out of the pizza parlor and went to his car and talked to him and made out with him. But I've never done that before and I'd really like to but I don't know what's the matter with me. I can't believe Mrs. Chasan wasn't a good student in high school. She got into some little Catholic college and graduated with a major in English and minor in education and Spanish and got jobs as an English teacher and is married! already and she'll be 30 next April 29, 1982! Now I know I don't want to worry about homework or else I get anxious. Oh I don't want to go out tomorrow! Please God, don't let him call! Please oh please! I think I hate him, but I wish him the best in life. He is sort of nice but he'll grow up and live happily with a wife and children one day. Mark Goodman sure was a nice name, and he was rich too! I just can't take the opposite sex! Maybe I'll learn something in sex education. That would be pathetic!!!!!!! Morgan told Elaine everything! God, well they're all friends. I don't fit in even with my own friends but I like them a hell of a lot better than Elaine's friends. A hell of a lot better. I think next time we all got out, I'll say, "Excuse me everybody, Ellen, Ray, Mary, Melissa, I've got something to say to my friends here tonight." Oh I dislike him! What the hell is my problem?! It was all my fault. I never should have showed any interest in him. I should have know that a boy wasn't going to like me if I wouldn't let him touch me (in any way). Oh, Heidi was so right about him giving me lines. How could someone do that! What the hell is going out that important that one has to lie to get a girl to like him? I'll never believe anyone. I'm going to be good, lose weight, but pretend I hate bosy a whole lot so I don't have to worry.