October 21, 1981

7th and 8th grades (13 years old)

1. a very happy person
2. felt I had recently become very aware of my surroundings and had a great insight into people and situations
3. amiable and outgoing
4. maybe a bit too outgoing
5. no longer shy or afraid to talk to people I did not know
6. status in school increased
7. was friends with everyone now whereas as I wasn't before because I was quite different, I was arrogan, immature but mature in other ways, did not interract well with others, did not study and thereofre seemed stupid in the classroom situation, and I had other vices
8. my grades were quite better noe
9. I became interested in music
   
10. suddenly became ashamed of my mother (that was a phase though)
11. became interested in more how I looked
12. acquired good fashion sense
13. started running and exercising and lost those extra 10 lbs. - was now thin
14. matured in the way that I could now think abstractly - this to me felt like my mind has made such a turn over for the better, because I knew so much about things, I thought everyday and new ideas always came to mind (about 100 a day)
15. became happy because of this
16. in 7th grade, a 13-year-old acting cute (like a 4-year-old) was considred bery cute, I did not refrain from acting hyper and like a 4-year-old at times (I fell into this somehow because I knew I never would have acted like others just to be accepted). Peer pressue had now set in. I had gained some individuality internally but externally I was quickly losing it. Sometimes waht others thought mattered to me. At other times I knoew what was best - but this I displayed only out of school. I guess because I was stull working on my status even though I practically had it made socially.
17. Starting to like junk food
18. I remember Ellen's mom telling my mom what a wonderful person I was. She was very fond of me and told me I was her adopted daugher. Boy, I was very happy. I was very fond of her also.
19. Ellen and I were very good friends, but I remember that since I became differnt mentally, (had more self-esteem), we grew away for a bit. She was still a bit shy.
20. had first crush on boy in my neighborhood - last a short time - never got to know him
21. started using tampons (more happiness)!
22. at this time in my life I thought, "I'm so grown up."
23. I no longer became embarassed by my mistakes
24. not in any way inhibited
25. went to camp for fourth year (sleepaway), had good and bad experiences - everyone in my bunk was so, so mean, there were terribly inconsiderate, I felt awful that they didn't like me. It hurt, but I wouldn't have wanted to have them for friends. They made fun of people and really had a lot of growing up to do. (They were a year older than me). After a while I just accepoted their personalities and got along fine, it di ot matter any more. They knew they weren't getting to me, we talked too, but we never simply were meant to be friends, but it's funny that everyone else in the bunk got along with eacho ther. This never happened to me before. It was ironic too that I was doing so well with my peers at school for the first time at Vail-Deane and now for the first time at camp, I wasn't. "Oh well, " I said (and felt).
26. At camp that year, I hung around with the CIT's and Junior Counselors. My friends were 18! and they really did like me. So the good experience was learning how to handle living with peers for five weeks that did not like me at all!
27. Came home - moved into new apartment (moving away from grandfather).
28. Ellen's Bat Mitzvah - had the best time ever! I dances and won some of the contests and did not sit at the table and watch shyly, afraid to dance just because I knew I would not like it, like some people did do. I enjoyed myself immensely. I didn't care who was watching me even if I looked stupid! I couldn't dance! (and my mother saw me express myself like that for the first time! That was a big step for me!) I even dances with Ray, a mutual friends of Ellen adn me. (I didn't want my mother to think I liked him or anything. That's what the big deal was.
29. Eighth grade! Started out greaaat: field hockey, popularity, and straight A's, and I was now going to Ellen's house everyday. There was nothing elsa I ever could have wanted then.
30. Things were wonderful and couldn't be better for me. I had not a single problem on my mind. (got a down vest - my first, was very chic, now i had something to wear to hockey games! very cool).
31. started gettin dizzy spells frequently - found out I had weak eye muscles, got reading glasses, still no big deal!
32. Thursday, Decebmer 8, 1978, grandfather and I were christmas shopping for mother, next day he went hinto hospital, had had stroke the previous day. I never knew it.
33. I was afraid. I visited him every day at hostpial, was understandably depressed.
    
34. Doctor said he'd be home for Christmas
35. Never made it - died Christmas day - complications had arisen in his body
36. Cried a lot - never told anyone he died until English composition I read aloud to fellow students in ninth grade
37. Didn't want Ellen at funeral even though she and Ray had been so sweet to me.
38. Turned 14 2 weeks later.
39. felt lonely and depressed and seeked attention, maintained grades, friendships waned.

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10th and 11th grades (16 yrs., 10 mo.)

There is a lot of in between stuff that occured. If I had written a couple of months ago (at 16) it would be a lot different. At 16, I've changed a lot, unfotunately not for the better, and did not grow at all mentally. I rather regressed somehwat and that was the sorry change that I experienced. Now almost over (hopefully), I think I've not reached the point of maturity where I should be. For some reason, I have this inability to cope with certain situations that affect me personally. I've sort of retarded my own self a bit, a few months ago, because of my inability.

At 13, I said I became quite insightful. I still am, in the same degree. I don't think any more though. But I lost my insight last year when I experienced a few problems. Now, I think I can look back and analyze what happened.

Compared to 13, I think at this moment I'm differnet. I'm not sure though. I will try to decide while I list some things about me now:

1. I still sometimes think I'm more intelligent than others - I don't know if that's good or not
2. I degrade myself and ask a lot from me
3. rarely do I have self-confidence - which is not good
4. have, in last few years, brough grades down, am working at bringing them up
5. think a lot about where I'm heading, therfore very concerned with my presence and present situation
6. am trying to do something about getting myself into good physical shape physically (as well as mentally)
7. have stopped seeing psychiatrist but worry about it I was ready to do so or not
8. will become independent of psychiatrist or at least try very hard to because not everyone goes to one so therfore I don't want to either, but then again, I know a few young and welathy couples who don't have marital problems, who got to psychiatrists, just because it's the "in" thing to do with your money now. Who know? I think they help though
9. love my mother
10. accepting Kevin's flaws (he has a lot) but so do I
11. accepting home situation
12. can't wait for mother to get pregnant
13. longed for a boyfriend for so long bu now that I've been given an opportunity- I don't want it. It's either me or him. I haven't figured it out yet
14. am regaining my scruples - did a few bad things in last few months that I wish I never had
15. daydream a lot about my future
16. trying to think about now
17. getting in touch with maternal relatives for first time
18. am so happy because of that
19. trying not to act hyper anymore - trying not to act too happy and make a fool out of myself - at 13 I could see myself the way others saw me, now I'm trying to regaion that sill
20. of what I'm realizing I know I regret very, very much my actions last year, but I know I could not help myself. Knowing how to help myself and not feel sorry for myself was extremely difficult. It was like being in another country, and deaf, and not being able to communicate with people to ask where the bathroom is, then you get upset because a while has gone by and you have to excrete really badly, then you cry because you're in pain. People look at you weirdly, you can't even mutter any sounds of any speaking language, its gets worse, you either finally find a bathroom or you sadly can't hold it any longer, then your's a real mess, now what? It adds to the problem, but you feel better cause you let it out, and you can go on from there. You run into more obstacles, you become uncomfotable like when a baby needs to be changed. You now feel a different kind of pain. This may even be worse, or if you're lucky, you can hack it easier. This I hope, is a good analogy of what I went through, only it last about 7 or 8 months.
21. got much warranted negative attention at school- was on probabion
22. God, I was always a pretty nice kid, amazing how a body can change!
23. seeked an ideal mother. My mother - to me- was dead. She no longer existed. She had found someone else. I felt she no longer wanted me. I left (sort of). Our very wonderful simple, mother-daughter relationship was severed. The only person in the world who loved me was gone. I didn't want her. I did not want to stick around for more rejection. I found a new mother, Barbara. To me she was the best person. Her and Ellen were the only two people who mattered. I loved them. I would have quit school if they asked me to. I loved them more than anything or anybody. I moved in for 10 days. I could go on, but I want to say that I no longer feel that way and I know it's ridiculous, but I can analyze my thinking.
24. Me and everyone who knew me, knew I was sick. I don't know how people think now. I know I', better though, and I hope that very soon, I won't have a thing in the world to worry my little head over. I never did before. I guess it's just when things don't go my way, but this doesn't happen at schoo. I mean, it may to some small degree byt I'm truly not aware if it goes further. It's just my personal life. I know I would not go crazy if the school moved next year and I didn't want it to.
25. Right now I want people to understand me, I guess that will never happen though, but I really think I understand people who I observe a lot. I don't want people probing my innermost thoughts though. (Of course not), but that would be interesting though, as long as I knew about it and the insightful person went nowhere with my thoughts.
26. Eleventh grade seems to be okay so far. The beginning was great. Now it's not so wonderful any more. I can't wait until it's over.
27. I'll never let what happened to me happen again. My life could not possibly get worse.
28. I feel now that I really need a companion.
29. At 13, I think I couldn't care less about having a close friend.
30. I hope I have friends when I'm an adult.
31. I hope for a husband and children and other simple pleasures
32. I've written some things about Patricia at 16 but it was easier writing about what happened at 13, but then again I'm alot more accurate writing now
33. I'm honest, considerate, and can't wait to rid myself of peer pressure. I've weakened since 10. I always thought I'd be just what I wanted to be and I wasn't, but that still doesn't stop me for the future even though I've screwed up. I'm not fully sure how much yet.
34. I think what I'm trying to do is find myself another psychiatrist. I really do. But not a real one, but a friend. But I guess I can't expect it. Even if one day, I have a close friend who happens to be a psychiatrist or psychologist, would I want her (or him) to analyze me? NO! But maybe my idea is distorted, and the frienship wouldn't be like that anyway.
35. Oh yea, I forgot. I have a distorted view of things many people think. I do wish everybody in this world was nice and wonderful, but I think that some people don't wish everyone was nice. But I really, really do know many, many nice people, and I sincerely believe that the nice people I know, know even more nice people than I do
36. My mother thinks my views are childish
37. I would very much like to remain innocent. I don't care what happens to me, only to the people I love
38. I'm practising self-discipline or at least trying to
39. I know when I've dona a wrong thing, don't always know how to correct it, hate myself for a while afterwards
40. Try to be a good person but will never be god-fearing
41. This is how I've become in almost 4 years
42. Within another 4 years, things will be good sooner

(Author's note: Here was another very long entry that took me days to type in and I probably lost several readers along the way. This was written for some sort of assignment I had to do for English class. I believe it was optional as it was never handed in or graded. Whatever the assignment was, I jumped at it because I saw it as an opportunity to express myself and to possibly give my English teacher a glimpse into my soul. Like every teenager, I was confused and lonely at the time. Writing, especially for English class, gave me an opportunity to share what was inside of me, even if it was just an opinion on a piece of literature.

So, as you can see, I really got into this assignment, whatever it was. I took it so seriously in fact because I saw it as my one and only opportunity to be understood. I don't believe my English teacher ever asked for it or read it in the end. And I don't think I was that disappointed. After all, I had gotten a lot out and it was very therapeutic for me just to write it. I even remember writing it. Also, don't forget, I hadn't written in months. I let all summer go by without ever documenting my mother's marriage or how any of the new "official" house arrangements with my mother's new husband, my new "official" stepfather, were working out. I never documented any of that and what a waste. And I know it was because I was self-conscious about my English teacher reading my notebook. That's okay. On the page after this compare and contrast was written, I see I have written about my mother's wedding. I will cover that in my next post. It is the only written document I have of my mother's wedding. And after writing all of the above, and about the wedding, I am full-throttle back into my writing on a semi-daily basis.

What is most interesting to me from my adult's point of view, is how I was able to do at 16, what I am doing now at 41. I am commenting on my own life and my own personality. I believe that every child does this. It is clear here that I even remembered being 10 vividly still. The fact that I remembered that I would not permit myself to fall prey to peer pressue, and then did, at 16, when I tried pot for the first time that August, 2 months after my mother's wedding, out of sheer defeat about trying to be a "good" person. I was so dead-set on never doing drugs or falling prey to peer pressure, but when my mother got married, I truly felt that she, the person who instilled these morals into me, didn't care about me, that I stopped caring too. My first toke on a joint is therefore also not documented as I was not writing from June to October 1981).