October 20, 1981

I was really depressed this afternoon. I really and truly think Mrs. Chasan does not like me. I'm really paranoid or I can't take it. I really like her a lot. I wish she was my big sister just like I've wished for many other older females to be my big sister. I'll keep trying, subtly. I showed her the poem Ellen wrote me. She said, "You two are such good friends!" with tears in her eyes, and her nose scrunched up to her eyes. She meant it. Everyone else who read it felt the very same way. What am I going to do for her? Don't worry about it. You can write her something but I've got to get into it. I know I will one day. I must! She thinks Ellen was mad that I ... Never mind - this is too upsetting. I don't think I can talk to her anymore - not Ellen, Mrs. Chasan. Why do I let myself get into these situations? I really feel neglected. I'm so sorry for being mean to her, but I turned off everybody - almost, but I had a problem! I didn't mean anything at all. I want Mrs. Chasan and I to be friends. Is this a phase? or what? It would make me happy for her to be nice and like me. It would make me really happy, but I am sad because she is acting cold. You know notebook, I'm starting to write about Mrs. Chasan the I wrote about Ellen and Barbara. What should I make of this? I guess time will tell. Anyway, I sure do hope things turn out okay and that Mrs. Chasan likes me again. This really is bothering me a lot! I need help again but I deeply understand that this will all pass eventually. God, why must I even go through any pain then? I guess so I'll leanr. You know, come to think of it, Ellen and Barbara aren't that close to me anymore!! I'm losing all my friends!!!!!

I'm going to be like I was the first two weeks of school, quiet, minded my own business, sweet, did all homework at night. I think I liked myself then.

*****

Later...

I've decided that if Mrs. Chasan can't forgive for my uncontrollable actions, and if she simply can't understand me, then forget it. I don't need or want her friendship. She should see and realize the kind of person I am. I don't want to hurt anyone! Not a soul. I love love people and so much time goes by until you really can get to know what a person is all about. I used to think that Mrs. Chasan and I were alike. Well, we're not at all! She acts the way I thinkQ And I may act the way she thinks.

Eg. She talks and does nice things for people. Some say, "Wow, she's nice." Others see it as phoney. I always thought that those kinds of people just couldn't accept someone so nice but alas I'm wrong ever again. Her thinking is mean. I don't like some things that she says to me like "Do you want the English award?" and "Wasn't Ellen mad at you for asking me...?" So why does she tell me all this stuff about herself!

Wow, am I going to analyze her! You see, 98% of the time, I think nice thoughts or try my hardest.. I don't know about Mrs. Chasan. She needs attention and sympathy. I'll still be her friend. I've just got to watch out! I especially want her to understand my desire to be a "good" person. Nonone except Maria and my mother does understand. That to me is the most important thing about being Patricia A.Y.S.

*****
You really learn so much about yourself when you write about yourself because you are semi-cogently figuiring out on paper. I'ts very interesting.

(Author's note: There will many more entries about Mrs. Chasan to come).