October 18, 1981
Oh dear notebook, things are not going smoothly at all, and I've got so much catching up to do. I hope I can do it all. Today is Jed's 17th birthday, and he is taking his driver's test tomorrow. I hope he passes.
I went outside to help my mother and Kevin with some stuff for the Salvation Army. It reminded me of a day (a saturday) in the beginning of this past summer. It was cloudy and there was nothing to do, (and my mother wasn't married yet). I was depressed that day and ate Suzie Q's. I wrote about it in this book. The date was June 20, 1981.
The beginning of Eleventh grade was wonderful. Now things are so rough. I think it's depressing me. I know I have to get out of the house today but I have so much homework. I don't know what I'm going to do if this doesn't RELIEVE the slight bit of pain I'm feeling now. Please help me. I really need someone to talk to. Sometimes I get so frustrated with my mother. I don't know how to handle some of the things she says. She changes her mind, her opinions, actions constantly. I can't keep up with her moods. Me, well, I think I may do the same thing, but it doesn't affect her the way it affects the people who see it most at school. They get angry at me, or rather feel kind of hurt by my actions at times. It makes me look like a mean person. I know for a fact I'm not a mean person. I'm not.
What is really bothering me now, and something I can't control is Mrs. Chasan. I really want to be friends with her again and I think she's never going to let me. I need some older female companion who I can talk to like someone who has a sister who she adores. Maybe this is a phase, and it probably is, but I know I want to be friends with Mrs. Chasan through college and afterwards. Right now I think she's acting weird, and rather aloof with me. It really is getting to me, and hurting me. One day when get up the nerve I'm going to talk with her about it. But I hope that passes soon anyway. I am going to write her a note at Christmas (don't forget Patricia). I'm so sorry for what happened last year. She was going to quit because of me. I never would have forgiven myself. Ever! I would have been so so sorry. And I am now anyway. But I really was fucked up all of last year. My head was on upside down and I had trouble seeing, lots of trouble. Everything was distorted. I got sick of making the effort to see something which I had utterly no control over. I really didn't.
I'm a bit better now. More than a bit! I won't be goingto a psychiatrist anymore. Last year I hated myself and everything aroudn me, school, mother Kevin, his family. It was such a sad situation. I loved Barbara and Ellen though. They were my saviors. That's when and why I got rid of Mrs. Chasan. I was afriad of her. I didn't want to tell her anything. I don't even know if this would make any sense to her. I really don't thinnk it would. Nobody understands me! I hate it. I've asked God before, give me someone. That guy Mark G. likes me, but I don't think I'll gorw to love him. Mrs Dewitt is definitely right. I do need someone to lovem, who loves me. Maria told me the other day that she looked up tome like a big sister, and that she knew that I understood her, and I do, very much so understand her. But I think I understand Mrs. Chasan, Ellen, Barbara, Ray, Kevin, my mother (sometimes). Who else? I think I understand many people. But God tell me who the hell understands Patricia? I think it's my turn to be given someone to understand me. It's my turn alright. I've been needing someone. And if there is someone there already, I suer don't see, the give me that ability to. God! I know I'm not in as bad a shape as I was last year. I'm well aware, and I never want that to ahppen again, ever. But I know I won't kill myself. There were about 10 days during that time that I absolutely couldn't stand to live anymore. I think I know how I got through them. The worst of them all was the day I thought I was all alone and had lost my best firend. That was the day Ray and I became very close friends. We thought we understood each other and we did. We really did. I said, my God, here is the person who God has sent for me, to understand me! Here he is, a boy! Our friendship lasted six weeks. Things got better in my life and worse in his. He chose to seek help in someone else and to drop me. I was hurt but I knew exactly why and what he had left me (as a friend) for. It was Ellen and Barbara, the same two people I left Mrs. Chasan for. One day I think he'll come back to me and we'll be friends again, and I hope the same happensa with Mrs. Chasan.
In any case, I was just thinking. Now I am happy for who I am, and how lucky I am that I realize that I have the avility to make myself as best as can be. It seems like such a simple idea, but how long it's taken me to realize this and what I've gone throught to learn this! Even if I don't get what I want all the time ( for I know I will get what I want some of the time).
(Author's note: Thus began and very codependent relationship).
I went outside to help my mother and Kevin with some stuff for the Salvation Army. It reminded me of a day (a saturday) in the beginning of this past summer. It was cloudy and there was nothing to do, (and my mother wasn't married yet). I was depressed that day and ate Suzie Q's. I wrote about it in this book. The date was June 20, 1981.
The beginning of Eleventh grade was wonderful. Now things are so rough. I think it's depressing me. I know I have to get out of the house today but I have so much homework. I don't know what I'm going to do if this doesn't RELIEVE the slight bit of pain I'm feeling now. Please help me. I really need someone to talk to. Sometimes I get so frustrated with my mother. I don't know how to handle some of the things she says. She changes her mind, her opinions, actions constantly. I can't keep up with her moods. Me, well, I think I may do the same thing, but it doesn't affect her the way it affects the people who see it most at school. They get angry at me, or rather feel kind of hurt by my actions at times. It makes me look like a mean person. I know for a fact I'm not a mean person. I'm not.
What is really bothering me now, and something I can't control is Mrs. Chasan. I really want to be friends with her again and I think she's never going to let me. I need some older female companion who I can talk to like someone who has a sister who she adores. Maybe this is a phase, and it probably is, but I know I want to be friends with Mrs. Chasan through college and afterwards. Right now I think she's acting weird, and rather aloof with me. It really is getting to me, and hurting me. One day when get up the nerve I'm going to talk with her about it. But I hope that passes soon anyway. I am going to write her a note at Christmas (don't forget Patricia). I'm so sorry for what happened last year. She was going to quit because of me. I never would have forgiven myself. Ever! I would have been so so sorry. And I am now anyway. But I really was fucked up all of last year. My head was on upside down and I had trouble seeing, lots of trouble. Everything was distorted. I got sick of making the effort to see something which I had utterly no control over. I really didn't.
I'm a bit better now. More than a bit! I won't be goingto a psychiatrist anymore. Last year I hated myself and everything aroudn me, school, mother Kevin, his family. It was such a sad situation. I loved Barbara and Ellen though. They were my saviors. That's when and why I got rid of Mrs. Chasan. I was afriad of her. I didn't want to tell her anything. I don't even know if this would make any sense to her. I really don't thinnk it would. Nobody understands me! I hate it. I've asked God before, give me someone. That guy Mark G. likes me, but I don't think I'll gorw to love him. Mrs Dewitt is definitely right. I do need someone to lovem, who loves me. Maria told me the other day that she looked up tome like a big sister, and that she knew that I understood her, and I do, very much so understand her. But I think I understand Mrs. Chasan, Ellen, Barbara, Ray, Kevin, my mother (sometimes). Who else? I think I understand many people. But God tell me who the hell understands Patricia? I think it's my turn to be given someone to understand me. It's my turn alright. I've been needing someone. And if there is someone there already, I suer don't see, the give me that ability to. God! I know I'm not in as bad a shape as I was last year. I'm well aware, and I never want that to ahppen again, ever. But I know I won't kill myself. There were about 10 days during that time that I absolutely couldn't stand to live anymore. I think I know how I got through them. The worst of them all was the day I thought I was all alone and had lost my best firend. That was the day Ray and I became very close friends. We thought we understood each other and we did. We really did. I said, my God, here is the person who God has sent for me, to understand me! Here he is, a boy! Our friendship lasted six weeks. Things got better in my life and worse in his. He chose to seek help in someone else and to drop me. I was hurt but I knew exactly why and what he had left me (as a friend) for. It was Ellen and Barbara, the same two people I left Mrs. Chasan for. One day I think he'll come back to me and we'll be friends again, and I hope the same happensa with Mrs. Chasan.In any case, I was just thinking. Now I am happy for who I am, and how lucky I am that I realize that I have the avility to make myself as best as can be. It seems like such a simple idea, but how long it's taken me to realize this and what I've gone throught to learn this! Even if I don't get what I want all the time ( for I know I will get what I want some of the time).
(Author's note: Thus began and very codependent relationship).
posted by Grand Inquisitor at 7:27 AM
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