May 5, 1981

I've got to work on the backdrop today. Then I go to Barbara's house at 5:00. I can really get some work done in study hall then. I love to write. I enjoy it. Gregg and Melissa V. are moving to the high-rise in Secaucus. They won't be coming here next year. That's too bad. They are nice people. Oh God, I had such diarrhea this morning and I feel so sick now. Today is the first day of my fast. There is nothing at all that I want to eat. It's amazing how Mr. Viall never suspects these notes. Or maybe he does. Then I'm in trouble. I'm so tired. When Gregg came to visit in January, he thought I was a teacher, and today Miss Goldman told me that they saw a picture of Ingrid Bergman last night and she reminded both Gale and Patrick of me. How nice. I really am flat-tired. Oh God. I have such bad cramps now. I'm gonna die. Please, if there is a God, sacrifice me if I deserve but one thing, have me die! Please! I don't want to live. I don't. I just read a story in English about a boy who witnessed a suicide. It changed his life. I just don't understand anything now. Therefore I can't be happy. I can't see clearly. I want to establish and everlasting relationship with Ellen and her family. I want to go to Vail-Deane, get great grades, and lose weight. I want to love Ali as my beau and I want to go to a real good college. I want to be able to see clearly. I watn to have all my wants in life to be open to me, so that I, like a normal, whole, and healthy person, may have control over my life. That's all I want and it's not much. I feel nauseous again. I got so dizzy when I talked to Barbara last night. That's because of the content of our discussion. The first time I ever got nauseous was on March 17th, at the hairdresser. We were talking about my mom getting married. I never felt that way before. Margaret, Susan, and my mother and me are going to the WTC thursday. Kevin is picking me up today. I want to die. I've really got to cry. I really want to cry hard. Barbara did scare me last night. Stop. Jed is changing.

Later on that day...

I went to the psychiatrist today. We laughed a lot, or rather, he made me laugh. I feel so guilty because the psychiatrist said that the strong emotion I'm feeling for Ellen and Barbara may pass. He said that I don't love my mother, which is true, and have chosen Barbara as my new mother, therefore I don't need Pat. I really am sick. I don't mean to be negative but I feel so guilty. What I should do now is be good to mother. Barbara will like me better, Ellen will, my friends, and school, and Kevin. Life could be so good to me. God when I get better and can tell Carole that I'm illegitimate, the reason why I want her to know must be because I have adopted Barbara as my mother. I want to tell Ellen first.

God, I hope Ellen is okay. She really should be though. I hope she isn't in trouble. She should not be. I don't know. I don't want her to be. I hope Mr.s Hoffman is okay, or gets better. Tom answered the phone tonight. I asked him how he was and he said okay and I said thank you. I could just die. I was mortified. But oh well. I feel stupid and guilty, but it's understandable. I wasn't listening. I was tired and thinking of something else. We'll forget about it. It's nice that my mother is getting married but what if it doesn't work out? If Ellen is not okay I'll die. I'm sorry I didn't talk to her much today. I shouldn't do that. I must wash my hair and body tonight. I hope we don't have too much homework tomorrow. I'll be so tired by then. I was going to work on the backdrop tomorrwo afternoon but I'm not because I'm going to Ellen's after school instead. I hope I get A's on my geometry quiz and Biology test tomorrow. After Kevin goes to bed I will do my exercises, watch Mary Tyler Moore, take a shower and study hard. I want, or rather, I feel like apologizing to Ellen and Barbara. But I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to try my very best to make myself wonderful.

I do enjoy writing and will probably be writing in here a couples of hours of History,

When I'm not writing, I'm bored, and I'm going to fall asleep. I want to be a beautiful person at this wedding.

I thought I really really had problems when my mother told me she was getting married, bigger problems than anything. And to me, it was devastating. But I'm learning how to handle it now, so it is no longer a problem. There may be other things that are wrong with me but my problems are never as big as other people's problems. I want to be another "Melanie Hamilton" so it should be easy for me to forget myself and think of other's problems. Starting today. I don't know if that's right but I'll learn through Trial and Error. This is step # one: My Diet: NO FOOD! JUST WATER.

After 3 days of dieting I wrote something when I was doing good, under control and not hungry. Well I'm not hungry but I do want to eat. If I work on my term paper all night and tomorrow and finish it, then I won't think about food so much. I'll go running, or sleep afterwards and I'll read my term paper over and over. Hopefully, I'll get together with Ellen on Sunday. I've got to get thin because my whole class will be seeing me in a bathing suit. I remember going crazy on my fifth day of dieting. My fourth day was no problem, but my fifth! Forget it! And that's the way I feel now on my 2nd day. I really want to lose weight fast, 30 pounds by next Thursday. 150 lbs, maybe 155.

(Author's note: I really thought that the root of all problems was my weight and my looks, and that if I could just control both those things, I'd miraculously improve my life).