May 22, 1981

Ellen can't possibly like me because of my stupid self which I am all the time. I really do act stupid, and say stupid things, and I don't take care of myself, and I don't have many friends. Ellen can't possibly like me for any of these things. And I swear I can't blame her. Besides being like this, is there anything else she doesn't like about me? I can't see it. I can believe it though. I know I have got to change myself. The things that I do, and say (which I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph) must go. They are not my assets. I'm so hurt now because of an incident that happened between Ellen and I today. I can't blame her for her feelings, whether they are justified or not. I don't expect her to blame me for mine, justified or not. The same I hold true with everybody. I swear I am not mad that she neglected to ask me to go with her to Warinaco yesterday and today. I'm just sensitive and that's why I'm hurt. I can't help feeling this way now. I know I'm not right mentally. I hope Ellen hasn't been feeling sorry for me. That would mean that she's reaching her breaking point now. I can't blame her and I swear I don't.

I'm feeling so lonely now. I'm so depressed. I feel like shit. I can't talk to anyone. I can call my psychiatrist but I'm afraid to. I need to get away from here. I don't want to go on the class trip. I have no friends. I might make some one day, but I wish I was dead. I'm so confused! My mind doesn't understand anything! It's so filled up with so many questions and they're driving me crazy. I can't answer them, and this always makes me very sad. Ellen is my only friend. I guess she thinks I'm too whatever. All I can think of is I'm simply not doing my part in our friendship. I swear I can believe that I am wrong. I swear that if she told me I was doing something wrong, I would believe her. I would then change myself just to do the right thing. But not change myself ridiculously like I know I have, and this has
screwed us up. Not her, but I'm sure she's getting tired of it.

What if she just doesn't like me? Oh God. Things may never get straightened out. I do enjoy her mother's attention. I don't want to come between her and her mother because I'd be denying her of something and I just can't successfully deny someone something without feeling like a horrible person. I think I'm justified in this respect. But what I could do in return is just never see Barbara. Not because I was mad or anything but because I'd feel unwanted and uncomfortable. Maybe if she and Ellen had never given me this attention, well I know things would be different. I'd be more myself, and finally I'd break out in some way. I'm no psychiatric judge but I somehow think it's mentally unhealthy to keep things to oneself. I don't know, but it looks to me as if it's plain human nature to need to talk to another person. I can't talk to Ellen, although she has been around about this marriage thing. I haven't regretted that. I'm afraid to talk to Ellen. Very afraid. Should I talk to her then? I have been holding myself back from getting any sympathetic ears even though I may have wanted them in a way because I've been too possessive of Ellen especially, and then Barbara. I didn't want to hurt their feelings by turning to someone else. I don't pride myself in this either. Have I been putting burdens on them? I loved staying over their house. I hate mine. What am I going to do if Ellen doesn't want my company? It's not her fault. And anyway, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't have the slightest idea whether she was being selfish or not. Probablt not. I feel so lonely now. I just want to be with someone that I could talk to for a real long time. I started talking to Mrs. Chasan. I'm so fickle in the way that I may not want to talk to her again. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO!! I can't talk to my only friend. I don't want to fool myself anymore. I don't want to force myself to feel a certain way. I really want to be with Ali because I like him as a boyfriend. I liked to talking to Paul too. I know I'm changing. For the better, I DON'T KNOW. But I hope so, and I hope I can maintain a friendship with Ellen still. I won't be so obsessed with her and her mother anymore. I've got to find someone to talk to WHO? WHO will talk to me?

God, I know there is someone for everyone. Give me someone now. I'm ready for opening myself. I don't know how to get new friends though, since I know that I won't be able to help them that much now. You know I hate to be a burden. You know I want to help others. But I need that person more now. I'm not ready to think of them yet. I'm thinking of myself. I have this urge to clear my miund of what's on it. I don't want to be selfish. I don't. Can I too have someone? I'm sure I can but before I go crazy? I'm not trying to get out of doing my term paper or studying for tests, or doing homework, but I can't think of anything else then what's bothering me. I CAN'T STAND USING THIS OUTLET. I DON'T HONESTLY KNOW IF SUBCONSCIOUSLY I'M SHIRKING RESPONSIBILITIES I SWEAR I DON'T FEEL I AM. AND I SWEAR I DON'T WANT TO. I know I don't want to got to Barbara's on Memorial Day. I'm not in the frame of mind to enjoy myself. I'm ashamed to say that it might be because I'm feeling friction between Ellen and I. I can't cope with this fricion, and even though Barbara will be upset, I don't want to force myself to deal with this. I just really want to avoid it. I hope she can understnad. I know if I talk to Ellen, what I say to her is not going to be my most intelligent things. I really need to talkj to somebody quick.

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Later...

I just called Ray. I told him that I really needed someone to talk to I wanted to call him. I had to talk to someone and he's all I could think of and I reallyu wanted to talk to him and I did. I called him. I got up my nerve and I called him, and now I hope I did a normal thing. I hope I'm not taking advantage of the fact that I needed to talk face to face, and he was all I could think of. But I really don't mind talking to him and I seat I greatly appreciate thi.s God believe me. I needed to talk to someone face to face and I appreciate this. I feel better now, knowing that I'm going to talk to someon. I feel really good now. Things aren't off my chest, but I'm more relaxed now. I was getting so hyper before because I was afraid that my need to talk to someone wouldn't be satisfied.

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Returning to my writing...

Can I tell you honestly that I was becoming very tense and nervous. I didn't become so bad that I was actually going to end my life though. But I really felt hyper I really felt jumpy and tnse. Thank God Ray is being so good to me. Right now, I don't think I even care if he discloses any of my feelings that I might relate to him. Before I was saying that I asked Ray because he had a car, but I really don't think I could talk to Melissa, Mary, or Heidi, or Elaine, or Paul, or Suzie, and it's a shame on my part, I can't even talk to who I consider my best friend, Ellen. But if Ray can't come, I don't know if I could talk on the phone with him. I can't. I wouldn't want to. I don't know why but I just can't. If I'm abnormal, then when I am normal, I think I will be able to talk on the phone.

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This is not how I planned my Friday night. I want to work on my term paper from the minute I got home all through the night until I finished it sometime tomorrow. Maybe I'd rather work on it all day Monday so I don't have to spend Memorial Day at Ellen's I so was looking forward to it, and it would have been so nice. It still will be except, I really am not in the mood. I'm really sorry Barbara. This isn't meant maliciously towards you and Ellen, but I can't help the way I feel. Please understand and have a good time. Gosh, what if Ellen really didn't care to be my friend anymore? Gosh, I just don't know, the way I feel now is that I think I would crawl up in a hole somewhere far from anybody so I wouldn't get hurt anymore.

Ask me questions so I can give you answers and in that way you can understand me because I don't know where to begin to help you help me find out what I did wrong. I can relate my part very honestly but there are some parts I may leave out just because I just can't see them. I don't have the insight. I don't know where I went wrong. It wouldn't do any good to stop being nice to Ellen. But what could I do to change the things that I have done wrong in our relationship because I have such a warped sense of things? That's because I don't know how to act, what to say. One day I will know, but I think the stuff I did and said to and for Ellen was (some of it) a wrong way to be. I'm just writing this because I feel so way down because I feel I'm losing my best friend. I'm not saying this because of my obsession.

(Author's note: This was one of the most painful nights of my depression, although I was to have many. Lots of things were building up inside of me and this was the night that I acknowledged to myself that I had been sexually abused. And at the same time that I acknowledged this to myself, I felt the urge to tell someone. I don't know why, but I did. I didn't feel that I could call Ellen, because there was some friction between us, but also because I didn't feel I could reveal what I had to tell over the phone. Ray, because he drove, was my only option and I was greatful. It was to be a big night for me as I was to tell someone for the first time looking them in the eye, that I had been being abused all those years with Mike, and it was to be a big night for Ray as well, as he too had a secret to share. He was gay. It felt GREAT to share secrets with someone else and not have to carry it around all by myself. I think Ray felt better too.

When I called Ray, I was feeling desperate. For the first time I was actually thinking of a way to kill myself. I was going to stick my head in the oven. That's how desperate I was. I was bursting at the seems with needing to talk to someone and I was scared to death to call my psychiatrist. I just didn't have a good relationship with him. Plus there was the pressure of getting a term paper done and I was just beside myself with confusion and loneliness over the possibility of Ellen and I not being friends any more. I wished to death that I didn't feel that way about Mary but it had nothing to do with her. At 16, I couldn't articulate all of my emotions. At 41, I can say that I was depressed and that my state of mind was often unpredictable. I could be okay one minute, and not okay the next and the only person in the world I felt comfortable around with these moods was Ellen. I was afraid to show my depression to Mary. I was too ashamed of it. So it wasn't her fault. Plus, as should be evident in the writing, I was really using my writing and my notebook as a way of thinking the problem through. Writing was to become the single most important tool in my toolbox as writing was not only companionship for me, but helped me to clear my mind).