May 21, 1981

My psychiatrist says that it's better that I don't write and I agree because that means that less is on my mind. I shall not spend this whole period writing as I really don't feel that I need to. But I would like to exercise my mind a bit and try to meditate how to get started on losing weight. I only feel under pressue when it comes time to eat and I must refrain myself. I haven't gone on a diet because I feel under pressure. Why don't I just add one more pressure on my lists of pressures at this time:

• lose weight
• take exams
• pull up grades on test
• finish typing term paper
• worry about the ramifications of not seeing Ellen and Barbara for a while (a long while this summer) and accept the fact that I may not be able to go to Maine with the entire Torrance family

Now as we all know very well, that if I pulled my goddamn self together, (which is by the way definitely doing better) then I will feel good about myself and thus be respected as a better person. The most important of course to impress with my new, thin, smart self will be Ellen first, then Barbara, then Tom, then Thomas, then my friends, then people I will associate with this summer, then my teachers when school starts again, then Barbara's friends if I see them in Maryland (which is most important), then my psychiatrist and mother. And maybe after I'm looking better, and feeling just great, I'll be under less pressure because Ellen, Tom, and Barbara and those who look at me with disgrace will now and forever respect me. I'll be so happy. Now exactly how to get started on this wonderfully goddamned endeavor:

1. begin a fast (as it is your most successful diet). It's a shame you can't do it with 2 diet pills a day.
2. always drink water before eating, always concentrate on what you are eating, one bite for every two bites of another person, always put fork down and chew at least 20 times, drink water between every bite. This is very important.
3. drink nothing but water
4. accept willingly to eat foods that you don't like, never say no thank you, and choose a food you do like
5. never eat sugar or salt or anything but water
6. only eat when you can't avoid it because you'd be being rude, that means never eat at school or home
7. as soon as school gets out, I'll be running 10 laps around Grove Park every day a week. That equals 5 miles a day = 35 miles a week, a very good amount
8. exercise
9. act on weekends if I get together with Ellen and Mary
10. swim at South Orange pool on weekends if I don't get together with Ellen and and play racquetball

Now this is important and another thing I won't be able to deal with when I'm thin, beautiful, and happy, and able to participate in activities with my mother and Kevin, Barbara and my mom will be very proud. But! I DON'T WANT TO NOT SEE ELLEN AND Barbara this summer because I'm preoccupied with my mother and Kevin. That I won't be able to deal with. I'll cry. I wish Mary wasn't taking acting lessons with Ellen and I because now I honestly don't want to take them. I was just sitting here, taking a break from my writing, chipping my nail polish off (Mr. Viall talking about Hitler and I'm writing about nail polish...) when I was thinking about talking to Ellen about how upset I was that Mary was taking lessons with us, I raised my head and Ellen was smiling at me. That made me feel good. We always smile at each other. I used to not do that becasue I didn't like her that much but that was my fault. We both had problems that neither of us knew about. How unhealthy! Should I talk to Ellen?