Letter to Ellen, never sent

I don't really want to write this down because I'd rather listen to Pygmalion and because it may be better to discuss it face to face, but I really don't mind writing yo you first because you want me to, and I don't mind at all doing what you'd rather and second of all because maybe I'll be able to express myself better by writing. In any case we can discuss this afterwards without the paper and pen.

First of all, I hope it's okay that I talk to you about this minor thing that's been bothering me. I don't know why. That means I don't understand why I feel this way and I'm sure this negative feeling will change, and I'm optimistic about this negative feeling changing, but I don't know when. All I know is that it will change when I feel better (mentally and emotionally). Now, this has nothing to do with you, meaning that it's in no way at all your fault I feel this way. I just want you to know that I certainly realize this.

Now with you considering what I've said in the above paragraph, what has been slightly bothering me is the fact that Mary is taking acting lessons with us this summer. For some reason I have negative feelings about her taking acting with us at the Whole Theatre Co. and like I said, I haven't been able to figure out or analyze this horrible feeling and therefore I can't understand it. Therefore I don't want to take acting at all with you and her. I have been avoiding mentioning this to you as I do honestly think that it is petty, and will be able to be dealt with in the near future. Nonetheless any negative feeling of any kind minor or major is not a good feeling, and therefore has been bothering me.

This feeling has not been stirred by you or her. I'm blaming myself for feeling this way. I hate to have an aversion to someone. I'd like to think that I can get along with everybody, think everyone is nice, and try to make people like me, but never become very close to people. And if I don't like a certain person, I cope with any situations that call for me to be involved with that person. I force myself. But in this case, I don't feel like forcing myself to take acting lessons with Mary when I don't really want to. I can't seem to find the energy because I think I'll get depressed doing so, and I want to avoid any pressure causing situations. But then again it bothers me to think if I'm hurting myself in any way by missing out on this fun.

I don't dislike Mary and I don't know why I don't want to take acting lessons with her. No matter how stupid I sound to me as I read over the last part where I told you about Mary and my forcing myself to do stuff with people, I'm not going to omit it even though I'm embarassed and because I don't want to.