June 20, 1981

12:40 P.M.

I'm having problems dieting. All I want to ear are Suzie Q's, and I know that if I eat too much, I'll just get sick of them anyway. I want those Suzie Q's so bad. I know they'll taste so so good. But God I want to be thin so bad! Who doesn't? It's so god damn hard for me to not eat that. I'm putting so much money into this diet and still that's not incentive enough, and then my mom said she'd buy me a whole new wardrobe, and that's not incentive enough. I'm not hungry, but things just drive me to eat. I hope that next week, I don't eat that much, because I'll be with my mother all week, and then the week after that, I know I won't eat because I'll be at Ellen's house. I don't like to stuff my face with food there. I lost 10 lbs. so far. That's good. But even if I just had 5 pounds to go, I'd still eat those Suzie Q's. They are good yet disgusting. I used to hate food like that. I know I only feel like eating when I'm depressed and lonely. When my mother gets back from her honeymoon, I'll be starting my job, and exercise routine. I know I can't wait, but then, I couldn't wait to start this protein diet either. I thought it was going to help but it's not. I always keep a positive attitude though. I realize that running and everything is also going to be very hard.

I have many chores to do today and instead I retreated to the park when I found out that Kevin was staying home with me. That minute I felt like eating and I'm not hungry! But I had to eat, so I ate turkey and lettuce heavily salted. Well, it's better than crap, but if I eat my crap I feel, I'll be able to handle the situation , even with a smile. Later, I'll feel really guilty about eating.

I really can't wait until school starts again. No doubt I feel I need this vacation but it's making me lonely and depressed. I haven't seen my friends in close to two weeks. They really don't call. I call hardly also. That's because I'm sitting indoors doing nothing but reading, watching T.V., practicing the piano, or eating. Sometimes I lay out in the sun in the park. I should be writing in here more. I don't know why I don't. These past two weeks have been wasted terribly. The above mentioned is all I've been doing. There is really nothing else to do.

And I don't want to sit down and eat dinner with Kevin and my mother.

3:10 P.M.

I came outside again because it got sunny. Thank God!! To be alone, on a Saturday, when it's cloudy, is murder. It makes me want to eat.

I ate my package of Suzie Q's and I feel really guilty about it. But I savored every bite and I don't feel like getting another one. If I do, I'll die. I can't handle the cravings. I just can't stop myself.

(Author's note: This would be my last diary entry for 4 months. My mother was to be married in 6 days time, and curiously, I did not write about the one thing that I had thought at the time, completely turned my life upside down).