April 27, 1981

History-

Ali didn't come today. I'll keep waiting for him. Today is going to be a yucky day. I do hope it turns out well. I hope Barbara's in a good mood this afternoon. That's a key thing. My mother didn't say goodbye to me this morning. I don't really even care. I don't.

This weekend I went on a binge. Now, I want to fast again this week. I sure hope I can do it. In fact, I just better do it. I hate being fat. I want to change, really change, and be beautiful. Maybe people would be in awe of me. I want amenorrhea and to be so thin that my bust size will be decreased dramatically.

Mr. Viall is such a boring history teacher. I'm so tired now. I want to sleep. Our term paper is due on Friday, May 22nd, one month. This week, I write my outline Saturday. I'll start my rough copy. Work on it dilligently. Make it long. Nice and long. The typing is going to be a bitch. This class is a bitch. I couldn't do my geometry homework. I read the story in English but I didn't study the English or the Biology. I'll try to do as much homework as possible in school today. Maybe I'll talk to Barbara after school, and I'll study my homework. I just can't take notes. Even when I don't feel like writing. I don't pay attention. I'm bad. School will be over soon. I must do good. This weekend I'll be with Heidi. We'll have fun but I'd rather be with Ellen. The next weekend, I sure hope, and the following weekend. I do get happy and excited when I know I'm going there. Maybe if I keep on writing about them, I won't be so preoccupied by these beautiful people. Why am I even preoccupied with thoughts of Ellen and Barbara. I'm weird. I can't wait until they go away. Hopefully I'll be able to stay with them in Maine. Oh please Tom! Oh please God! Let me stay. You won't see me that much this summer. I'll be going to summer school and working. Ellen will come to my house maybe once a week and maybe I'll see Ellen on the weekends. I'm going to run 35 miles a week and starve myself to death in any case. My mother can get married but why must I live with Kevin? He has nothing to do with me and he is a man. Tomorrow I'll do the backdrop. I don't want to today. I'm too tired. Tomorrow I'm going to the library. I'll get things accomplished. I'm so tired I can't stand it. Everyone is so thin except me. Ellen, Barbara, Mary. I want to be beautiful! So beautiful. I want Ali to come back and be attracted to me. My personality too. I want his attention and love. Tomorrow we're having a party for Mrs. Chasan. I'm not going to eat. Please God, help me.

(Author's note: Ali Ali Ali, you never came back from Iran. During the Iranian Hostage Crisis in 1979-1981, we had two Iranian students enter our tiny private school. I don't know how they found us, but Ali lived with Jed, a boy in my class, and during my freshman year, Ali and I started liking each other. He was very very shy though and I remember him calling me up and asking me if I wanted to go to the movies with him. Of course I said, but sadly we never did go to the movies. I think he worked up all the nerve he had just to ask me to the movies, and then he just couldn't go through with it. Sometimes I think these types of things are way harder for boys than for girls. Anyway, Ali had been in the U.S. (his parents sent him out of Iran) for nearly 2 years and he was missing his parents terribly. He desperately wanted to go back to Iran and there was a great chance that he would not be allowed back into the U.S. That is exactly what happened. The United States government did not let the one prospect I had in high school back into the U.S. His parents had wanted him to stay but he wanted to go. Our very last meeting together we were talking under the porte-cochère of the mansion which was our tiny school and Ali had this look in his eyes that this goodbye would be a forever goodbye. I didn't want him to go and although we never even went on an "official" date, there was an understanding between us that we were a couple who would at least like to get to know each other better. For years after this, I kept asking Jed's parents, "when is Ali coming back?" They always said, "soon, soon," but he never did come back. I've googled him and I think he is a doctor at Columbia-Presbyterian but I would never contact him. I turned out to be a lesbian and I guess I just don't want him to know that. Plus it would be so awkward as, like I said, we were never an "official" couple. But for years I did wait for him).