April 26, 1981

To my dear notebook which I hold many personal thoughts in. I'm just being a little crazy. I just want to point that out just in case anybody ever read this. I don't leave this book open for people to read of course, but the stuff I write about myself is personal, yet I rationalize that I would not be upset because reading my notebook would not change a person's thoughts about me. It is the stuff I write about Ellen and Barbara that would upset me if someone read this book of mine and therefore I must simply keep this book to myself. If I die soon, I will let Ellen keep this. If she'd like to, she can read it, if not, she doesn't have to, and if she doesn't want it at all, she may throw it out. Although I've always wanted something like this in a museum. My personal thoughts mean nothing to anyone else either. Just me. I'm always afraid that people will find out about me. That's why I don't have many friends. I guess there's nothing much to find out. I am the illegitimate child (as the term is used) of P.C.S., daughter of H.E. and L.G.D., whom I adored, and A.Y.P. So what. I only found out in August 1979, it was some shock yea! But I came about the same way Ellen and Thomas did. To name but a few in a world full of children. I told my mother I'm doing homework. It may look that way. It may not.

Today, I am very depressed. I hate being this way so much. I don't understand this feeling. I want to be happy. Why do I have problems? What are my problems? For one thing which is quite a new feeling, and my psychiatrist said this is normal, I feel absolutely no love toward my mother at all. You know, how can Kevin's family be mine when they don't even know about me. They don't know about Mike or my illegitimacy. Some family relations. The only people I care about in the entire world are, the only people who I love, and hopefully this will only be for the while because I'm so afraid I am abnormal, are Ellen and Barbara. I hope I have a right even to love them. And I want to be close to Ellen and Barbara and anyone related to them for the rest of my life. Oh if there is a God, please allow this, and please let them understand me and try to like me a lot. Barbara loves me I know, and so does Ellen in the way that friends do, but I can't seem to be able to deal with this fact. I'm so afraid that it's not true. I'm so weird sometimes. I wonder how people even want to go near me. But I want to tell Ellen that I'm illegitimate. I'm 100% sure she won't make a deal of it. So what. But, maybe I'm using this secret as an attention- getter. I don't know. It's like when some girl gets her period. So what. Practically every woman does. It's normal, but yet a girl or even a woman has a small desire to tell someone. But's it's like having to go to the bathroom, except one doesn't have the desire to share the secret of one's urination with anyone. I wonder how I know this. I know because I feel that way, but maybe I've heard it from another woman. And, ya know, I don't think I'm even feminine enough to have this desire to tell anyone. Rather, the right to desire to tell anyone.

Let me finish this here. I suppress this small desire that I believe lots of menstruating females have. But of course, the only people I would have the desire to tell, even though it's no big issue are Ellen, Barbara and my husband if and when I have one, and my children, and if I ever acquire anymore friends.

Another point is: I'm not used to living with a man. I feel uncomfortable because I am a girl.

Another thing is: Is it normal for people to discuss their problems with other people? It must be but I don't know how and I sure do feel uncomfortable doing so. I feel like I'm putting another person in a bind, stranded, uncomfortable. I don't like to do bad things to people. I've always prided myself with being rather Stoic, having the wonderfully intelligent, and insightful ability to clearly think over my scarce, and extremely infrequent problems by myself.

I wonder if Ellen would care to read this. What if she read it and said, "You are really weird." Or what if she felt sincerely compassionate towards me, or kind of, and realized that I think the same way she does. That's what I really want in life. To have people understand me. I try my best to understand others. I think that's what would make me really happy. I'm not special. I'm far from perfect. I do love people. I could be a great humanitarian, but I don't know if I'm right or not. I have so many anxieties, so many frustrations. I'm so afraid that Ellen and Barbara would think I am bringing it all on myself. I couldn't deal with this disapproval. Or, if I'm really mentally ill and people don't think the way I do, then will the two people I love most in the world help me and then when I'm all better with their kind help, will they then allow me to watch over them forever? Maybe not. Because Barbara's got so many problems. Of what I see.

Of course, I'd be very glad to give both Ellen and Barbara lots of space. I don't mean take care of me like a hawk. That's what I mean by inflicting myself on others. My whole motivation at the present is to continue with the psychiatrist and become as best as I can so that I can get positive attention from Ellen and Barbara. In the mean time, I'm really depressed. When I'm depressed I'm confused. When I'm confused I can't deal with practically anything. Lately I've pulled myself together and am being happy. But I swear, I haven't done this all by myself. Barbara has been in good moods. And God, I swear on my grandmother's grave, my children to be, my cats, and the lives of all the wonderful people who live or have lived in this world that Barbara's good moods have helped me be happy so much, such a considerable amount. Because, I just mostly sometimes DO NOT have the ability to be a regular happy person. I need Ellen and Barbara to be happy too. I do need their happiness. Please, if nothing else is understood about me, understand what I have been expressing about Ellen and Barbara's moods. And please God, I want nothing else in the world than for them to be happy and absolutely everything they want to turn out just as they would like!!! I SWEAR!!

So, when I'm depressed and they or one of them isn't feeling well, how do I cope? Must I wait till my next appointment to find out? HOW EXACTLY DO I COPE WHEN I CAN'T STAND ON MY OWN TWO GOD DAMNED FEET? I can't be of any service to them. I want to understand and be understood. This is certainly not a profound wish.

Maybe if I let Ellen and maybe Barbara read this. Will they understand me, or will they consider this a burden, an illegitimate writing, insincere, an attention-getter? I have always done what I wanted, and even if Ellen and Barbara grow apart from me, I want them to know how much they mean to me. But one problem may stem. Will they believe, because maybe I haven't been that nice and therefore convincing. I'm not trying to fool anyone. I do worry about this. But surely, many people or all people in the world must have such strong closeness and affection to others. Maybe even stronger, although I can't imagine any emotion being stronger than the adoration, love and respect I have for Barbara and Ellen. I have had idols in my life, counselors at camp and Margarita's sister Isolina. And maybe I will have more or maybe I've grown out of idolizing people. But that's what Ellen and Barbara are like to me. I wonder if they even know this. I just realized on Feb. 6, '81, the first day of my 10 day visit, how much Ellen liked me. STUPID, how stupid I was for never realizing this. And the things that Barbara says to me, let me see that she really does love me. Or what if she doesn't, what a disappointment, but I wouldn't want to hold her to anything. I would never allow myself to let Ellen and Barbara feel uncomfortable around me. I would KILL myself first. Or feel awful if I slipped.

I want to tell Barbara, that I feel the same way she does about me being there so much. I never ever minded. I just felt so guilty. Will I ever be able to express myself?

Before I was thinking of a question. I think it was (because I forgot) how do two people cope with a situation in which one person likes a person but the liked person doesn't like the other?

I never thought of myself as problemed yet I get very upset when I think about Mike. I cry because my mother and he hurt me so much. Oh! Everybody's had hardships. I'm too embarassed to talk about my past. Yesterday I talked to Ellen about Mike. I wonder if anything good came out of my telling Ellen about Mike.

I have so many misconceptions of myself. My view of the world is distorted.

Let me clarify this paragraph. I never ever disliked being at Ellen's house. I always, always looked forward to going. I liked going to Ellen's house so much that I felt guilty that I shouldn't invade so much. I'm very fortunate to have Ellen and Barbara. And Tom is so nice to let me there so much.

I'm so confused.

I'd really like Ellen and Barbara to read this. I just want to be so close to them. But am I maybe not that crazy about Ellen and Barbara. No, I am.

I want to be thin.

I want to have Ali like Michelle has Gary. That's what else I want in life. I want to grow up. See the way life is elsewhere, and just learn what life is all about. And I want to share my beautiful discoveries with my children and give my new self to help Ellen and Barbara. I'm always talking about helping them. I don't know what I mean but I just want to be around if I am ever needed just as I want Ellen and Barbara to be around at least once a year. When I could be with them when I needed to be understood by people who understand me already.

I haven't come to any conclusions although I am no longer depressed. Of course that could be because I have written my time away. I have gained a new perspective anyway. I should talk to Barbara some time and ask her the stupid questions I constantly ponder. I will write Barbara a nice letter if she doesn't read this. I sort of don't want her to but I have a desire for her to, yet I am very personal. Maybe I'm not anymore. And for Ellen, I'll write a poem or two. I realized I have dwelled on Ellen and Barbara and my own personal problems. They are the only people I want to talk to and am afraid so instead I write in here. Maybe I'm pretending I'm talking to them but in any case I feel better. Maybe I'm fooling myself but I don't know.

(Author's note: Whew!!!!! I typed all the above by hand. This is going to be a slow-going project at this rate.

I remember writing this particular entry vividly. I was sitting on the edge of my bed for hours. It was a Sunday and I was stuck at home with Kevin and my mother. I so wanted to be at Ellen's house since that is often where I spent my weekends, but I was just so scared at the time to be bothering them. Barbara says even today that I was welcome there and that if it had been a bother, don't worry, we wouldn't have had you. And even though I had no concept of boundaries back then, somehow I knew that I was violating boundaries by being there so much. I just never could have articulated it back then.

What is most poignant to me about this entry is how depressed I was. Being with Ellen was definitely a welcome distraction for me, and when I wasn't around her and her mother, I really felt my pain and loneliness. I was definitely lonely that Sunday afternoon and all I had was my notebook for friendship. This entry was a turning point for me as a writer. I even say here that I felt better after writing. It is also cold hard evidence of my codependency, something I certainly did not understand at 16. Never even heard the word until I was 26. I was a terribly needy person and therefore confused about both needing to fill my needs for friendship and understanding, as well as needing to know when to step back, and let other people live their lives, and not be so dependent and in their face all the time. It was a painful, confusing tightrope I walked and I just didn't understand it at the time. All I knew at 16 was that I loved these people and that I wanted to be with them all the time. That plus being lonely and depressed and I was one messed up teenager. Yep, there was a lot of pain there, and there would be more to come.

And where is my mother in all of this? Planning her wedding. Thinking about herself and not about her kid. Barbara was giving me so much love and attention, who wouldn't have flocked in her direction?

Also, two things stick out here that I want to share with adults. I was so afraid of being told, "you're not fooling anyone," and "you just want attention," that I was afraid that this is what people would think about me. My problems were real. I was truly truly depressed. I was suicidal. Don't ever say those things to a kid. It makes them fear that people really won't believe them when they say they are depressed. This was the most painful period of my life. So much so that I still have an inner 16-year-old who wants to kill herself because she feels she needs to prove how hurt she is. I am still working on getting past this, but 25 years later, I still haven't gotten over the fact that I didn't get the help I needed then. Ellen and Barbara were fantastic distractions for me, but what I really needed was professional help and my mother. I felt abandoned by my mother and I will write more on the psychiatrist I was seeing later).