April 23, 1981

Physically I think I'm under control because I'm not hungry. It is a good feeling not to be hungry because it's very hard to diet when one is hungry.

Of course I'm writing in history class now. It's a fun class. Mr. V is being funny. At the beginning of the class we had an altercation. I think I will apologize no matter what. Ellen was so sick last night from about 3-5:30. After, she felt better. Jim was over. Barbara, Ellen, Jim and I had a great evening. We really had a great evening! But I wish Barbara wouldn't smoke. God! Poor Ellen gets upset about her mom drinking. I agree with Ellen but I'm not going to say anything. We watched Luna last night. Jill Clayburgh was good, but the movie subject, I did not appreciate. Thomas and I went to bed at 12:30. I woke up at 6:30. I curled my hair, took a shower, made my bed and Thomas', and fixed up the kitchen. On the way to school, I found a beautiful black butterfly on Kempshall, and ran to school with a butterfly between my hands with the greatest of care, brought it to Miss K and put it in the terrarium.

(Author's note: The butterfly ended up dying because I held it's wings together so it couldn't fly away. I actually broke it's wings. But not on purpose. I felt terrible.

The movie subject that I didn't appreciate was mother/son incest. I don't think I got it at all.

I also don't remember the altercation I had with Mr. Viall, but I do remember being a sometimes nasty, big-mouthed kid, and I was definitely disrespectful. I see it now, but back then I thought I was always right and that it was just that everyone in the world was against me. I had serious attitude and behavior problems. I did a lot of acting out back then, and I regret to say, that as an adult, I still do a lot of acting out. I've definitely still got stuff to work on.

I was caught practicing my apology when my classmate, Camile, saw my notebook and asked what I was doing. I wrote down a few things I could say:

"I'm sorry we had that altercation at the beginning of class."

"I want to apologize to you for being so obstinate when you reprimanded me for being late at the beginning of class."

"I'm sorry I was so obstinate when I was wrong for being late."

And in a note to Camile I wrote:

Mr. Viall and I had a fight before you came in. He yelled at me for being late and I yelled back. Now I want to apologize and I'm thinking of the right words. Understand?).